NIAW : Resolve to Know

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." NLT Isaiah 41:10

Day 1 of patiently waiting and trying to stay distracted has been a success so far.  I feel a strange sense of peace that I did not feel after our previous IUI cycles. I am not going to tip-toe around and treat myself as if I'm already pregnant. I plan to simply continue taking care of myself, resting as I should, and praying for our babies to find a cozy spot. We are hopeful this is our cycle, but we are trying very hard not to let the unknown consume us for the next 3 weeks. We have done everything we can do to prepare our bodies and hearts for this cycle. We have prayed every way we know how to pray. We have reached out to all of our prayer warriors and asked for extra prayers the next couple of weeks. We just have to wait and see if God has chosen this month to be the month our babies come to us. At this point, we are 110% leaning on God. Wait. I'm not leaning. I'm sitting in His lap actually. We have to continue being patient. We've been patiently awaiting these precious little ones for almost 2 years. What's 3 more weeks, right? 


As many of you already know, this week is National Infertility Awareness Week. It has been a blessing reading the stories of so many strong, determined, inspiring women as they try to bring awareness to this disease. The strength of the women (and men) in this community is absolutely inspiring. 

After our first IUI failed in October of 2013, I was not in a good place emotionally. I was preparing myself mentally for my very first surgery. We found ourselves not able to relate to our friends who were announcing pregnancies. I was struggling to stay focused at work. Physically I was in a lot of pain from endometriosis and OHSS from Clomid. Our specialist we had been seeing since April 2013 was almost at the end of his rope with us. Each time he would see us, he would tell us he felt he was running out of options. We had already done 4 rounds of Femara, 2 rounds of Clomid, 1 IUI, and 1 surgery with him. He felt our issue was something that needed to be handled in Nashville at a clinic that specialized strictly in reproductive medicine. My husband and I were not open to the idea of leaving our specialist quite yet, but after he gave us an hour long pep talk we decided to give Nashville a try. We trusted our specialist. We felt if he was wanting us to go to Nashville, then we should at least try it. We prayed about it and asked God to show us which path we should take. A few days later the decision was made to keep fighting. Before we scheduled our consultation with the fertility clinic in Nashville, my husband and I felt I would probably benefit from speaking with a counselor who specialized in coping with infertility first. I was having trouble sorting through my feelings in a healthy way. I had also had numerous people say hurtful things to me, which lead to me not being able to own my feelings. One of the exercises the counselor had me do one day was think about what I would tell someone who was new on the infertility journey. At first I struggled with this exercise because I was so hurt and broken. I did not feel like I was in the place to tell ANYONE how to handle this disease. I felt like I was not even able to handle it myself. After several days of thinking long and hard about what I should say, it finally hit me and the ideas poured out on the paper. The next week, my counselor was impressed with the progress I had made. 

 What Has Infertility Taught Me?  

• You are not alone. Infertility effects so many people. 1 in 8 to be exact. Some couples choose to keep their battle silent, but some choose to be open with their battle. You should never, ever feel like you are alone. You aren't. 
• People will say hurtful things. Brush it off. I would never tell someone who was battling cancer to stop trying to battle cancer so hard and it will go away. Just like you shouldn't tell someone to stop trying to battle infertility so hard. People will tell you to "relax" or "take a vacation". People will tell you to get your heart right with God and He will bless you. Infertility is a disease! It is not mental. The desire to have a child is not something you can just turn off.  
• This goes along with my point...But you already have a child. Yes. I do. Are there things you were able to do in your late teens/ early 20s that you cannot do today? Do all of your body parts and organs work the same as they did in elementary school, high school, and college? Great. Mine don't and if you are completely honest, you will realize yours don't either. I have a child from a previous marriage. My husband does not have any children. Should he be denied the joys and excitement of parenthood just because I have a child we see for a few hours 2 days a week? No. 
• You know yourself and your body better than anyone. If you feel like your current doctor is not giving you the attention you need, find a new doctor. I went through 3 local OB/GYNs, numerous pointless tests, a birth control prescription (ugh. That still makes me so mad!) and lots of begging before I finally had my medical records sent to a specialist... on my own. I didn't wait for a referral. I knew something was not right and I wanted someone to listen to my concerns. I was not getting that from the local OB/GYNs so I took everything into my own hands. This ended up being the best decision we could have made. 
• Talk about it. You do not have to start a blog, join a support group, or make an announcement in your Sunday School class if you do not feel like you are ready for that. If you simply want to keep your struggle private, that is fine. Talk to your spouse though. Infertility can be male factor, female factor, a combination of both, or completely unexplained. Either way, you and your spouse are in this together. He may not be as vocal about his disappointments as you are, but you have to keep in mind he wants this child as much as you do. You're in this together. Talk about it together. He is your husband today. He will be your husband tomorrow. He will be your husband if you have children or if you do not have children. Your relationship with your husband is so important. He will be the one to cry with you or rejoice with you each month. Infertility tends to cause a strain on relationships. Do not let your relationship with your husband suffer. Understand when he does not want to discuss the latest test results. If he simply wants to listen (like my husband does) that is ok. 
• Lean on God. You know your relationship with God. Lean on Him. Lean on His promises. 
• Find a stress reliever. My stress reliever was running until my doctor gave me a very strong "talkin' to" discouraging me from running while doing my FSH cycles. Now my stress reliever is walking, body weight exercises, BLOGGING, and reading books. Find your stress reliever and stick with it. For the sake of your sanity, you need to do this. 
• Do not let infertility define you. My name is Kari. I'm the same Kari I have always been. You can still talk to me, invite me to hang out, and call me. I'm still me. I'm just having problems conceiving a baby. 
• Do not feel like you have to attend every baby shower you are invited to. I struggled with this at first myself. Every time I received an invitation in the mail, I immediately felt like I had to go out and buy a gift the next day. I was afraid I would hurt someone's feelings if I missed their shower. There was one month I went to a different baby shower every weekend. It was overwhelming at times, but I made it through. I did go home and cry after a few of them. It's ok if you do too. If you are not in a good place emotionally to attend the shower, simply explain to your friend you will gladly send a gift to her, but you are not sure you are emotionally prepared to attend. If she is not a close friend... don't sweat explaining yourself. Simply send a gift card in the mail with a note, "Sorry I missed your shower! Congrats!" Do not feel like you have to explain yourself to anyone if you do not want to. 
• You are not broken. You are not being punished. You are not. It is plain and simple. You are no less of a woman than any of those pregnant folks sitting in the waiting room around you. God is not punishing you. You were chosen for this journey because you are strong enough to handle it with grace and poise. 
• There will be days when you will ugly cry, throw fits, and cry out to God. Even on those days, you are not being punished. God is a big boy. He wants you to give your broken heart to Him. Do it. Give Him every single broken piece of it. Pray for strength on those days. Those will be the days you feel like you need to stop fighting for your babies. Those will be the days you feel defeated. Those are the days you need to give every ounce of doubt, fear, and pain to God. Do not EVER let anyone tell you it is not ok to do so. Own. Your. Feelings. Allow yourself to be still and listen for God on those days. He is still there even when it feels like He is so far away. 

So that's my novel for Infertility Awareness Week. If you or someone you know are interested in learning more about infertility, please check out the following website. It is full of information! 

http://www.resolve.org/

If you would like to read more blogs about infertility awareness, check out my fellow IF fighters and bloggers! 

Elena over at baby Ridley bump

Jenni at Unconceivably Blessed

Holly at Oh Baby, Baby

IUI #3

 Today was the big day! 

What is done is done. The only thing left for me to do is pray constantly and make sure I take wonderful care of myself over the next 3 weeks. Yes. I said 3 weeks. I do not get the luxury of the typical 2 week wait. I get an extra week due to the last hCg injection I have to give myself. With previous cycles, good 'ol AF (Aunt Flo) showed up 2 weeks after my IUI, so I'm just hoping, praying, and believing that will not be the case this time. AF needs to stay away for the next 9 months! 

As usual, the procedure went well. There isn't really a whole lot of excitement that goes into a nurse practitioner injecting your husband's washed sperm into your uterus. Considering this was our 3rd IUI, we knew what to expect and how it would all unfold. I just laid there and let her do her job. Trey read a magazine on the other side of the room. How romantic, right? When she was finished, she gave us our instructions for the next few weeks, elevated my bottom on the exam table, and set the timer for 15 minutes. Trey and I said yet another prayer as we waited for my 15 minutes to be up. 

I feel more confident with this cycle. I'm not necessarily confident it will work, but I'm confident no matter the outcome of this cycle, I know I did everything in my power to give my husband a child of his own. If this fails, we will be sad. We have poured so much time, prayer, energy, and nearly ALL of our savings into these medications, treatments, and doctor visits. Unfortunately Tennessee does not have a mandate for ART (assisted reproductive technology) coverage so we have poured thousands of dollars into getting pregnant with Baby Bell. It's just money though. We will make more. Baby Bell is completely worth every penny we have spent on him/her. It is hard to put a price tag on having a child.  It isn't about the money though. It is about the dream we have had since before we said "I Do". It is about Trey telling me in pre-marital counseling that he wants to be a daddy and have children with me. It is about our baby having his dark, curly hair, my ears, and our blue eyes. It is about the dream we have in our hearts for our extra bedroom to be a nursery instead of a room full of random stuff. I long for the day when I wake up and get to spend the entire day being a Mommy to our little miracles. I feel like I have to add we do know God is working on our perfect miracle and we shouldn't be selfish and so on. We know that. We really really do. We know it is in HIS time and not ours, but at the same time we are allowed to be hopeful and dream of how we will glorify God with our story and how we raise our miracle babies. 

I want to make it to the other side of this battle so I can point and say, "I never gave up! Even when people and doctors tried to discourage me, I kept fighting!" I want to prove that God is bigger than medicine and just because a doctor told me 7 years ago that I would never carry another child doesn't mean I won't. I will carry a child. I will carry our miracle babies because my God is SO much bigger than what that doctor said to me. God is bigger than the people who have said hurtful, harmful things to me the past 2 years. God and MY FAITH are going to get me through this. God has given me an overwhelming strength to keep pushing forward no matter what bumps I meet in the road to our babies. I am STRONG. I am DETERMINED. I am pregnant with hope for our babies. I hope with every ounce of me being that one day I will have a huge, pregnant belly. I hope my husband gets to feel our miracle s wiggle and kick in my stomach. I hope I have morning sickness, back aches, and a puffy face. I hope someone reads our story and is encouraged to keep fighting for their own miracle. I hope God uses us and our story to give other couples hope. I hope nobody else I know has to suffer through this. 

In the next 3 weeks, I plan to take this blog in the direction of helping others instead of focusing on my own journey. This week is National Infertility Awareness week, so I plan to bring awareness to this disease. I will go from dealing with it on your own to helping someone else cope and whatever else my little heart feels needs to be said. If you know of someone who is on their own infertility journey, please share my blog with them! Give them my email address. Give them my phone number! Please. I want to help. They are not alone! 

*excuse any typos. I composed this on my iPhone as I rode home from Nashville.*

Pinch Me Please

This is really happening, right? What? 

I meant to blog yesterday about my monitoring appointment. Let's be honest though. I was in a state of panic when I returned to work and that later spilled over into my time at home before and after G's baseball game. So basically I'm making up excuses for not updating everyone yesterday. Please accept my sincerest apologies. 

I arrived at NFC fifteen minutes before my appointment time as usual. One of my sweet nurses called my name before I even had a chance to get my book out of my purse. She took me back to the blood draw area for my E2, then escorted me to a room for my ultrasound. When the sonographer entered the room, she greeted me with a smile as usual. She handed me the clipboard to record my follicle sizes and began what is hopefully my last monitoring ultrasound! Keep in mind I'm pumped full of hormones. I did 13 nights of FSH injections. Last Friday (Follie Friday), I had four follicles over 10mm, but they were not quite big enough for me to do a trigger shot. Yesterday I had four beautiful, big, perfect follicles. Three of the four appeared to be ready for action, but I had to wait for my E2 blood work to come back from the lab that afternoon before we could be sure. So, the sonographer laid out the options. She said they would either have me do one more night of Follistim injections (my FSH) or they would have me trigger and come back in for my IUI in the next few days. I left NFC with the biggest smile on my face and the greatest sense of peace! I called my husband to give him the scoop. He said he was ready to do whatever we needed to do. We've been ready for this for so long! 

At 3:35pm, I called the clinic to listen to my voice mail box. The nurse instructed me to call the clinic to schedule our IUI for Wednesday. She told me to do my trigger shot 36 hours prior to my appointment. She said my E2 level was 1,103 and there is a high risk for multiples since I have 3 follicles ready to mature. We have prepared ourselves from the beginning for multiples. That is just a risk you take when you start these injections. We realize twin pregnancies are high risk. We are ok with that. If God gives us twins, we know we were meant to be parents of twins! 

So this is it. We go in tomorrow morning. I am trying so very hard not to get my hopes up like I did with our previous IUIs because I do not want to go through the sadness, disappointment, and anger I went through when they failed. But.... I feel really good about this cycle. My doctors and nurses monitored me more. I did more injections. I wasn't stressed. I wasn't worried. God wrapped me up in His arms and gave me strength to push forward and keep fighting. We have four follicles this time versus the one we had with our last cycle. We triggered 36 hours prior to IUI this time versus 24 hours in our last cycle. I feel like everything is pointing toward THIS being the cycle for our miracles. Our babies are coming. I can just feel it. 

Please pray with us tomorrow morning. Pray for doctors and nurses to have the knowledge to complete the procedure to the best of their ability. Pray that our babies are conceived. Pray that no matter what the outcome of this cycle, we will continue to have the peace and comfort we have had the past 16 days. Pray that my womb is ready to receive our blessings. Please just pray with us. Sometimes I have felt I do not have the right words or I do not know how to pray for this. For that, please just pray. We have hoped, dreamed, longed, and wished for these precious little miracles for almost 2 years. We have prayed every way we know how to pray for them. We are fully believing our miracles will be in my womb soon. God is in complete control and we know He has heard our cries. 

Infertility Awareness Week

If someone had told me 18 years ago that one day I would spend two to three days a week in a fertility clinic, I would've thought they were crazy. If someone had told me 18 years ago when I first started my period that I would stop having periods by my 28th birthday, I would've probably rejoiced! Yay periods are so inconvenient to an 11 year old girl anyway, right? If someone told me that one day I would give myself an injection in the stomach each night, I would've probably cried. Give myself a shot?! I hate shots! You've gotta be kidding me, right? 

This is my reality. These are the cards I have been dealt. I am 1 in 8. I am battling infertility with every ounce of my being. I am determined to overcome and win this battle. This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. I would like to encourage each of my readers to remember those of us who have a dream in our hearts and empty wombs. We have been chosen to fight this physical, emotional battle of infertility. If you are not familiar with infertility, I would like to encourage you to educate yourself just a little. Chances are someone you know and love is or will be fighting this silent battle. 1 in 8. 

On a side note, I'm currently in the waiting room of the clinic. I will be updating on my follicle count later today! 

*hugs* 

Follie Friday

I'll make this post brief since I'm sure my post on Monday will be filled with more info. I had my E2 blood draw and monitoring ultrasound this morning. When the super sweet sonographer began my ultrasound, she handed me a clipboard to write down my follicle sizes just like she has my previous 3 monitoring appointments for this cycle. This was the first day I actually had anything to write down for this cycle! All glory goes to God. I had FOUR follicles over 10mm this morning! They aren't quite big enough for an IUI, so I will continue my 150IU of Follistim injections over the weekend. I go back to NFC on Monday morning for another E2 blood draw and ultrasound. I'm fully trusting and believing we will see pretty, mature, perfect follicles on Monday so we can have our IUI next week! 

This morning I felt completely saturated in God's peace. Our prayer for the past few months has been for God to take full control of our situation. I have told my husband before that I almost feel like I am only participating in this journey. I'm not in control. I'm not worried about it. I'm not stressing over it anymore. I simply feel like I'm just going through the steps God has laid out before us. God is in complete control as He been for the past two years. Please pray with us over the weekend for us to continue to feel this amazing sense of peace and comfort. We also pray we will have perfect little follies on Monday. Who knows. Maybe one (or two) of those follicles will hold part of our precious little miracle(s). 

I hope each of you have a blessed and wonderful Easter weekend! Sending hugs to each of you! 

IF Adventures

Remember my long story about my left ovary? Ya know-- The one I had surgery on in November. To get to scoop on that ordeal, you can read about it here. I gave a brief explanation about lefty's (a.k.a my left ovary) reproductive confusion on Friday of last week. My doctor increased my Follistim dosage to 150IU over the weekend in hopes of stimulating some perfect, mature follicles. No such luck. I had prepared myself for this news though. In previous treatment cycles, I have felt like my belly was full of water balloons and my clothes were super snug around ovulation time. I actually lost weight this time. Seriously, how does someone lose weight while injecting tons of hormones into their system everyday? I am slightly puzzled by that. Back to my story. . . 

It is amazing the things that go through my mind on my 4 hour journey to and from Nashville. On the way to Nashville this morning, all I could do was just remain in prayer with God. I didn't want to say "amen" until I was certain I had given every doubt, fear, worry, hesitation to God. I did not want to walk in NFC with a single ounce of fear. Mission Accomplished. I was completely at peace as I sat in the waiting room. When my name was finally called, I was escorted to the blood draw area. The NP drew my blood then put me in an ultrasound room. When the sonographer came in the room, she greeted me with a smile. I told her I was ready to see some pretty follicles! She seemed confident we would see something today. As she poked and prodded around with the ultrasound wand, she noted my lining was good. She noted I did not have anything on my right ovary. She then poked around on my left side. Nothing. I did not have a single follicle. I have been injecting FSH (follicle stimulating hormones) into my belly for the past 6 nights. My left ovary has apparently given up on functioning like an ovary should. On the way to work from Nashville, I had a chat with God that went a little like this: 

"You are completely in control of this. I'm just along for the ride. Whatever these tests reveal, I know I can continue pressing on because our miracles are on their way. I know I'm strong enough and determined enough to handle whatever is thrown at me today. Please let me feel Your peace and presence when I receive my results this evening."  

We're still in the game. My doctor and nurse are keeping my dosage at 150IU for the next 4 nights. I go back in on Friday for my E2 blood draw and monitoring ultrasound. Keep those prayers coming! I am believing God is working on our miracles right now! Our perfect little babies are on their way to my womb. I can just feel it! 

Come On Lefty!

"I think I can. I think I can. I think I can."  

Is it weird I'm cheering my left ovary on? For you fertile folks who don't know which ovary you are ovulating from this month, here's a crash course in ovaries as told by yours truly. 

You have 2 ovaries. One on the right. One on the left. 

Each cycle you will ovulate from ONE ovary. 

If you ovulate on the right this cycle, next cycle...

You ovulate on the LEFT. 

Now that we are all on the same page, let me explain to you MY ovaries! I have two just like every other female out there. There's a catch though. My right ovary is perfect, wonderful, and works amazing. My right tube doesn't flow the way a normal ovary should though. It's like a clogged bathtub drain. My left ovary--well, she's a little confused. Sometimes it decides to grow these enormous 8cm cysts instead of releasing an egg. Sometimes she completely forgets it is her turn to send an egg down the chute. It's just whatever she feels like doing that month. The tube to my left ovary is clear as could be! Therein lies the problem. 

Right Side = Good Ovary, Bad Tube

Left Side= Bad Ovary, Good Tube

This cycle, it is good 'ol Lefty's turn. I started my FSH injections on Tuesday evening at 125IU. I did injections Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday evenings. I went back to NFC today for my monitoring appointment. Much to everyone's surprise, I did not have a single follicle over 10mm. Not. a. single. one. My estradiol level was 79 on Tuesday when they did my baseline blood draw. Today it was a whopping 50. My nurse and doctor have decided to increase my dosage of Follistim to 150IU for the weekend. I'm hoping, praying, and believing I will not wake up Monday morning with a swollen belly. I'm praying I do not overstimulate and have to cancel our cycle. I mean I've spent over $800 on meds this week alone on top of the $410 I paid for my monitoring appointments. So we're looking at $1,210 in one week. It will all be worth it when we see our precious miracle(s) on that ultrasound screen though! 

So what are we praying for this weekend? First and foremost, we are thanking God for picking us up and giving us the strength, courage, and means to pick ourselves up from the sad hole we were in a week ago. Contrary to what some may believe, we never gave up on our faith in God and His power. We were sad. Wouldn't you be sad if you just KNEW you were pregnant only to find out you weren't for the 20th month in a row? Yes. You would. Did you catch I said we "WERE" sad. Yeah. We were. We aren't anymore. Monday morning I woke up with the attitude of a superwoman. I know that wasn't ME though. It was God. It was completely God. The day before I barely had the energy to put make up on. God gave me the strength to pick myself up and press forward. So that's one thing we are adding to our prayers, our never ending list of thanks to God for everything He has shown us and brought us through. We are also praying for some pretty, awesome, perfect follicles to make an appearance on Monday at my monitoring appointment. Oh and Let's also pray I do not eat everything in sight this weekend. These hormones are no joke. I could eat constantly if I had enough food on hand. 

So that's what going on. I have a happy face. I'm ready to do this! 

Dust Yourself Off

After grieving for three days straight, it is time to put on our game faces and continue pressing forward. The first step in pressing forward was to deactivate my Facebook account for a few weeks. Let's be honest, the people who want to know how I'm doing ask me via text, phone call, email, or blog comment. I feel like taking a step back from Facebook will help me fully focus on what we are up against the next few weeks. 

What am I up against?

Well if I learned anything over the weekend, I learned I'm NOT a quitter. Just because we struck out on our first cycle with injections does't mean we are out of the game. I will be honest, there were moments over the weekend when I wanted to just call the clinic, thank them for their support, and encouragement, tuck my tail and hide in my closet. That is NOT the Kari I know. The Kari I know is not a quitter. The Kari I know does not take not pregnant no for an answer! [insert Rocky theme music] We are still in this and by God's power, we have dusted ourselves off and are ready for the next steps. 

I have my baseline u/s and blood draw tomorrow morning. Please pray and believe with me that I will be cyst free, my lining will be thin, and my levels will be where they should be. If for some reason my body is not ready for another cycle, we are prepared to take a month off so I can lose some of this fertility drug weight, relax, and focus on our upcoming anniversary and new ventures. We are actively believing our miracles are on the way and we will NOT let anyone discourage us! 

I Have No Words

My fear was we would pour all of this time, money, prayer, and energy into an injectible IUI cycle and then it would fail. I had honestly prepared myself for an OHSS (ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome) diagnosis early in the cycle since I had so much trouble with it when we did the oral meds in previous treatment cycles --Clomid especially. Much to our surprise and God's wonderful power, I did not have OHSS this cycle. I did ovulate this cycle. My lining was great. My husband's counts were "out of the ball park" to quote a Nurse Practitioner. I had one perfect, beautiful mature follicle after 5 days of Follistim injections. My trigger shot went well.  On the day of our IUI, the NP commented that my cervical mucus was "great" and there was a lot of it, which was another plus. In my mind and heart, I knew this was our cycle. Everything was going so smoothly. Everything was by the book perfect. The problems we had during our previous treatment cycles were nowhere to be seen. We just KNEW we would finally have our miracle baby in December 2014. 

Last night all of those dreams came crashing down. Every single one of them. There will not be a baby in December 2014. We will not be announcing on Fathers' Day that Trey will finally become a daddy. We will not be cleaning out the extra bedroom so we can turn it into a nursery. I don't need to buy loose spring clothes to hide a growing belly. I don't need that $48 workout by trimester DVD I purchased. I won't be giving Trey his "I love Daddy" book and a positive pregnancy test on Friday. Our IUI failed. I have started my period after a very very faint positive pregnancy test that gave us hope yesterday that my spotting was implantation bleeding. Nope. There is not a baby in my belly. The sense of peace, confidence, and hope are gone. 

Last night as I was brushing my teeth, I stared at the sharps container on our bathroom counter. I suddenly had an overwhelming sense of resentment for each of the 7 needles in that container. I finished brushing my teeth. I picked up the sharps container and shook it at my husband. "I went through all of this! Our romantic evenings of baby making began with you giving me a shot. There are people who can hop in bed with whoever for a one night stand and they can get pregnant but not us! This so unfair." That rant was followed by me using the bathroom only to find my period had gotten heavier. My husband literally had to pick me up out of the floor as I sobbed uncontrollably on the bathroom floor. 

I would be lying if I told you I'm not mad. I am so mad. So so mad. I'm mad/sad/disappointed/upset/hurt/confused. What have I done wrong in my life? Why did God lay this desire on my heart, dangle it in front of my face, then snatch it away from me in the blink of an eye? Why? Why can't my husband be a father to a child of his own? Why can't we raise a child together? Why do we feel like God has opened doors only to slam them in our faces? 

I'm furious. I'm sad. I wanna scream. I'm so mad at God. Four years ago I was on my hands and knees praying to save my first marriage. It didn't work. Within 3 months, we were in a lawyer's office filing for divorce. Then I prayed I would not lose my child. I lost custody of him anyway. I prayed every time Gavin would scream, "I hate you! I want my daddy! I don't wanna stay with you!" I prayed God would help him understand and that I would have my sweet, baby back. For an entire year my child would not stay the night with me during my small allotted time with him because he wanted his daddy more. For almost 2 years I have prayed to give my amazing, loving, husband who is my best friend a child of his own for us to raise and love TOGETHER in a loving, caring, Christian home. For almost 2 years I have prayed for this child that for some reason I'm not deserving enough to have. For 2 years I have watched everyone around me get pregnant and make cute gender reveal announcements. I have attended baby shower after baby shower to celebrate new little ones on the way and hoped one day those people would attend a baby shower for me. I have  daydreamed about how cute it would be for Trey to announce he is going to be a daddy on Fathers Day. I have had to treat my body as if I am pregnant for the past 5 months.... But my womb is empty. I'm not deserving enough of an answered prayer. I'm not deserving enough to get to actually be a real mom to the one and only child who has ever make it into this world from my womb. This sucks more than anything I've ever dealt with the past 2 years. This isn't just another month of no baby. This is dreams shattered. This is my savings account blown. This is me being completely upset with God. Why not me? Why can't I give my husband a child? 

Excuse me if I stepped on any toes or stuck someone as rude. I'm hurting. I'm disappointed. These are my thoughts and I had to share them. I had to get them out in the open. 

My God is Bigger

We need lots of prayers. I had cramping yesterday and started spotting last night. The doc on call said there's nothing they can do, but I know God can do something. Praying for a miracle and that our baby is digging a spot to stay for the next several months. I know everything medical points towards this not being a viable pregnancy, but I know God is bigger than medicine. Praying. For the past 2 weeks we have prayed for our baby to find a spot and for God to take care of our little miracle. I am absolutely devastated. For the past 2 weeks we have believed THIS was it. We have talked about "our baby". I text my husband daily to tell him what I have fed "our baby" for lunch. I even ordered a super special "I Love My Daddy" gift for my husband. I'm determined. God is so much bigger than anything a doctor can say. Please pray with us. Please. 

Dear Baby: 

I do not know what's going on, but I'm scared. Please hold on tight in there. We love you so much already. Please little one... 

Love, 

Mommy 

I've put myself on bedrest for the day. My little fur baby is watching out for me. 

Prayers Please

I've started spotting. I'm nervous, scared, and worried. Prayers please. Baby Bell needs to hold on tight in there. 

I Did Something Stupid...

I took a pregnancy test. . . a week sooner than my doctor instructed me to. 

Earlier in the week, I was 94.35784% positive I was pregnant. My boobs had grown a cup size. I was exhausted. I was a slight bit nauseous. Oh and let's not forget how cranky/ happy/ sad/ mad I was all within an 8 hour period of time. I was convinced I tell you! Convinced! Maybe it was all from the last Ovidrel injection we did on March 28th. Maybe I had myself all hyped up. Who knows. Regardless of whatever it was. The so-called pregnancy symptoms faded by Wednesday and I was back to my normal infertile feeling self. So just for the heck of it, I decided to POAS (pee on a stick for those of you who are not familiar with the infertile lingo) this morning. It IS a little early. I'm 14dpo, 13dpIUI, and it has been 7 days since my last progesterone injection. It was not a positive pregnancy test. I'm not going to say the "N" word. I refuse at this point to allow myself to think the opposite of positive. 

I will say this though... 
I was ok with the non-positive test this morning until I had to tell my husband what the results were. I had already trashed the test, so it wasn't like I could tell him to go look for himself. I had to say out loud the words I have dreaded saying to him for the past 4 weeks. We have poured so much prayer into this cycle. If this cycle fails, I am not fully convinced I can walk down this path again. A year ago when we started seeing a specialist, I said from the very beginning that if we ever got to the point where the Clomid or Femara were not working and our next option was injections... I would be through. As each month passed that I didn't ovulate, I slowly began to warm up to the idea of injections. After my surgery in early November, it became evident our next steps would be a referral to a fertility clinic and we would be leaving our amazing OB/GYN with a strong passion for treating infertility. We had our consultation with Dr. W at the fertility clinic in Nashville in early December. After a full exam, ultrasound and a few blood draws, Dr. W laid our options out for us. We could continue with oral meds or move on to injections. I'm not sure what happened to me, but I looked at Trey then looked at Dr. W and said the words I never thought would ever come out of my mouth. 

"I'm ready to move forward with injections. My body has not responded to the oral meds the way it was expected to. I'm ready to try something else." 

If you have followed our journey, you know we did not get to start our injection cycle until late March. We hit several road blocks with genetic testing, cysts, and I went over 70 days without full period. I feel like we spent 3 months just praying for God to take away our anxiety and stress and just take control of the situation and show us what our next steps should be. This morning as I stared at the not positive pregnancy test, I prayed for Baby Bell to hang on tight in there. I thought about how hard it was to hold a needle in front of my belly and try to give myself an injection each day. I thought about how excited we were when the nurse told us I had a mature follicle. When she showed me the follicle on the ultrasound screen, I thought, "This is part of our miracle baby." I thought about how badly my Ovidrel injections hurt. I was all over the place emotionally. Maybe it is too early for his/ her little self to have made my hormones do what they should do. We still have hope. 

When I changed my blog around a bit several months ago, I had every intention of making my blog more about letters to our miracle child. So here it goes. 

Dear Little Baby Bell:

We do not even know if you are in there or not yet. We just know we have been praying for you for almost 2 years. If you are in there, baby, please hold on tight. Please. Mommy and Daddy love you so much already. We can't wait to see your little face. We are not through fighting for you, little one. Mommy especially. Mommy will do whatever she needs to do to bring you into this world, baby. Daddy can't wait to see you and feel you kicking inside Mommy's belly. Please hang on tight in there and find a cozy spot. 

Love, 
Mommy and Daddy

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