I Have No Words

My fear was we would pour all of this time, money, prayer, and energy into an injectible IUI cycle and then it would fail. I had honestly prepared myself for an OHSS (ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome) diagnosis early in the cycle since I had so much trouble with it when we did the oral meds in previous treatment cycles --Clomid especially. Much to our surprise and God's wonderful power, I did not have OHSS this cycle. I did ovulate this cycle. My lining was great. My husband's counts were "out of the ball park" to quote a Nurse Practitioner. I had one perfect, beautiful mature follicle after 5 days of Follistim injections. My trigger shot went well.  On the day of our IUI, the NP commented that my cervical mucus was "great" and there was a lot of it, which was another plus. In my mind and heart, I knew this was our cycle. Everything was going so smoothly. Everything was by the book perfect. The problems we had during our previous treatment cycles were nowhere to be seen. We just KNEW we would finally have our miracle baby in December 2014. 

Last night all of those dreams came crashing down. Every single one of them. There will not be a baby in December 2014. We will not be announcing on Fathers' Day that Trey will finally become a daddy. We will not be cleaning out the extra bedroom so we can turn it into a nursery. I don't need to buy loose spring clothes to hide a growing belly. I don't need that $48 workout by trimester DVD I purchased. I won't be giving Trey his "I love Daddy" book and a positive pregnancy test on Friday. Our IUI failed. I have started my period after a very very faint positive pregnancy test that gave us hope yesterday that my spotting was implantation bleeding. Nope. There is not a baby in my belly. The sense of peace, confidence, and hope are gone. 

Last night as I was brushing my teeth, I stared at the sharps container on our bathroom counter. I suddenly had an overwhelming sense of resentment for each of the 7 needles in that container. I finished brushing my teeth. I picked up the sharps container and shook it at my husband. "I went through all of this! Our romantic evenings of baby making began with you giving me a shot. There are people who can hop in bed with whoever for a one night stand and they can get pregnant but not us! This so unfair." That rant was followed by me using the bathroom only to find my period had gotten heavier. My husband literally had to pick me up out of the floor as I sobbed uncontrollably on the bathroom floor. 

I would be lying if I told you I'm not mad. I am so mad. So so mad. I'm mad/sad/disappointed/upset/hurt/confused. What have I done wrong in my life? Why did God lay this desire on my heart, dangle it in front of my face, then snatch it away from me in the blink of an eye? Why? Why can't my husband be a father to a child of his own? Why can't we raise a child together? Why do we feel like God has opened doors only to slam them in our faces? 

I'm furious. I'm sad. I wanna scream. I'm so mad at God. Four years ago I was on my hands and knees praying to save my first marriage. It didn't work. Within 3 months, we were in a lawyer's office filing for divorce. Then I prayed I would not lose my child. I lost custody of him anyway. I prayed every time Gavin would scream, "I hate you! I want my daddy! I don't wanna stay with you!" I prayed God would help him understand and that I would have my sweet, baby back. For an entire year my child would not stay the night with me during my small allotted time with him because he wanted his daddy more. For almost 2 years I have prayed to give my amazing, loving, husband who is my best friend a child of his own for us to raise and love TOGETHER in a loving, caring, Christian home. For almost 2 years I have prayed for this child that for some reason I'm not deserving enough to have. For 2 years I have watched everyone around me get pregnant and make cute gender reveal announcements. I have attended baby shower after baby shower to celebrate new little ones on the way and hoped one day those people would attend a baby shower for me. I have  daydreamed about how cute it would be for Trey to announce he is going to be a daddy on Fathers Day. I have had to treat my body as if I am pregnant for the past 5 months.... But my womb is empty. I'm not deserving enough of an answered prayer. I'm not deserving enough to get to actually be a real mom to the one and only child who has ever make it into this world from my womb. This sucks more than anything I've ever dealt with the past 2 years. This isn't just another month of no baby. This is dreams shattered. This is my savings account blown. This is me being completely upset with God. Why not me? Why can't I give my husband a child? 

Excuse me if I stepped on any toes or stuck someone as rude. I'm hurting. I'm disappointed. These are my thoughts and I had to share them. I had to get them out in the open.