We have taken an officially unofficial break.
Oh hello my blogger friends. It seems it has been a while since I've posted anything on here. I would like to take a moment to congratulate each of my fertility-challenged blog followers who have finally experienced their BFP (big fat positive) moments. You each have given me an ounce of hope that I too will finally see two lines or "Pregnant" on one of those sticks I pee on every month.
We have taken a break. I wouldn't say it is a break from trying. It has just been a break from life. It had become so overwhelming answering questions and receiving the "so have you started your period yet?" "how long until you know if you are pregnant?" text messages, phone calls, etc. Each time I would have to answer those questions, it was just a reminder that I did not have good news to share. It was also creeping me out that people other than me were counting the days of my cycle. That's just weird. Please don't do that. That being said, I'm not going to tell you what day of my cycle I am on. It really does not matter at this point because I don't ovulate regularly, and I didn't really feel like testing this month. I know I should start my cycle sometime between today and February 1st. That's all I know. I have quit trying to figure out when to expect my cycle. It shows up when it wants.
So what do I mean by this "break"? Well we aren't telling anyone when we go to the doctor or what the doctor says. I started a BBT (basal body temp) chart for this cycle but stopped after about 10 days because my temps were all over the place. Clearly I wasn't doing something right. I had an OPK left from two cycles ago. I thought, "what the heck?" and gave it a go this month too. When it gave me a smiley face on day 8 of my cycle, it just made me mad. Day 8? Really? There's no way that is possible! So I threw the rest of the kit in the garbage and went along my merry little way. So now we wait patiently. It is funny to say that. I mean, haven't we been waiting patiently this entire time? Yeah. So Patiently.
The good news is I have been given a new game plan. The bad news is.... I'm 99% sure my new game plan is going to cause me to (a) lose my job (b) go insane or (c) all of the above. So that's that.
If you have some extra time in your prayers the next few weeks, please pray for my sanity. I have a strong feeling I will in fact have to resort to the new game plan. I'm anxious. I'm nervous. I'm heartbroken. Please pray for a miracle. Please pray for me to be strong. I've begged my husband before to let me quit. I've begged for him to just let this madness be over and we can travel the world and buy pretty things. I didn't mean any of it, but I still begged. He said we would do whatever we need to do. I know he wants children though, and I know I want to be the Mommy to his children. We will continue to press on.
I'm at a complete loss right now. It makes my heart sad to think of the women who get to roll around in the sheets with their loving husbands and conceive a beautiful biological child after only trying for two or three months. They make it sound so easy. Why is this so hard to us?!? Why?!? It makes me sad. I know God has an amazing plan for us. I know his plan is way bigger and way greater than anything I can ever imagine, but right now I'm just sad. I feel like I've been through a lot already and it isn't even over yet.