I Did Something Stupid...

I took a pregnancy test. . . a week sooner than my doctor instructed me to. 

Earlier in the week, I was 94.35784% positive I was pregnant. My boobs had grown a cup size. I was exhausted. I was a slight bit nauseous. Oh and let's not forget how cranky/ happy/ sad/ mad I was all within an 8 hour period of time. I was convinced I tell you! Convinced! Maybe it was all from the last Ovidrel injection we did on March 28th. Maybe I had myself all hyped up. Who knows. Regardless of whatever it was. The so-called pregnancy symptoms faded by Wednesday and I was back to my normal infertile feeling self. So just for the heck of it, I decided to POAS (pee on a stick for those of you who are not familiar with the infertile lingo) this morning. It IS a little early. I'm 14dpo, 13dpIUI, and it has been 7 days since my last progesterone injection. It was not a positive pregnancy test. I'm not going to say the "N" word. I refuse at this point to allow myself to think the opposite of positive. 

I will say this though... 
I was ok with the non-positive test this morning until I had to tell my husband what the results were. I had already trashed the test, so it wasn't like I could tell him to go look for himself. I had to say out loud the words I have dreaded saying to him for the past 4 weeks. We have poured so much prayer into this cycle. If this cycle fails, I am not fully convinced I can walk down this path again. A year ago when we started seeing a specialist, I said from the very beginning that if we ever got to the point where the Clomid or Femara were not working and our next option was injections... I would be through. As each month passed that I didn't ovulate, I slowly began to warm up to the idea of injections. After my surgery in early November, it became evident our next steps would be a referral to a fertility clinic and we would be leaving our amazing OB/GYN with a strong passion for treating infertility. We had our consultation with Dr. W at the fertility clinic in Nashville in early December. After a full exam, ultrasound and a few blood draws, Dr. W laid our options out for us. We could continue with oral meds or move on to injections. I'm not sure what happened to me, but I looked at Trey then looked at Dr. W and said the words I never thought would ever come out of my mouth. 

"I'm ready to move forward with injections. My body has not responded to the oral meds the way it was expected to. I'm ready to try something else." 

If you have followed our journey, you know we did not get to start our injection cycle until late March. We hit several road blocks with genetic testing, cysts, and I went over 70 days without full period. I feel like we spent 3 months just praying for God to take away our anxiety and stress and just take control of the situation and show us what our next steps should be. This morning as I stared at the not positive pregnancy test, I prayed for Baby Bell to hang on tight in there. I thought about how hard it was to hold a needle in front of my belly and try to give myself an injection each day. I thought about how excited we were when the nurse told us I had a mature follicle. When she showed me the follicle on the ultrasound screen, I thought, "This is part of our miracle baby." I thought about how badly my Ovidrel injections hurt. I was all over the place emotionally. Maybe it is too early for his/ her little self to have made my hormones do what they should do. We still have hope. 

When I changed my blog around a bit several months ago, I had every intention of making my blog more about letters to our miracle child. So here it goes. 

Dear Little Baby Bell:

We do not even know if you are in there or not yet. We just know we have been praying for you for almost 2 years. If you are in there, baby, please hold on tight. Please. Mommy and Daddy love you so much already. We can't wait to see your little face. We are not through fighting for you, little one. Mommy especially. Mommy will do whatever she needs to do to bring you into this world, baby. Daddy can't wait to see you and feel you kicking inside Mommy's belly. Please hang on tight in there and find a cozy spot. 

Love, 
Mommy and Daddy