Today as I was doing a little reading, *Yes. I had a moment to read while I was drinking my coffee!* I came across a quote I had highlighted in a book a few years ago. "You are not lost to God. He sees your struggle, He knows your heartache, and He longs to bless the seed of hope He planted in your heart." The author of the book goes on to say, "You are already pregnant with hope. That hope is a gift from the God who loves you and who longs to bless you beyond what you can ask or imagine." (quote from Pregnant With Hope: Good News For Infertile Couples)
In the middle of our infertility journey, I probably read this quote through squinted, tear-filled eyes. I knew in my mind this was true, but I was having such a hard time holding onto this truth in my heart. It is hard to see outside of the tiny infertility box sometimes. Your vision gets a little cloudy and your heart becomes guarded. You try not to become too hopeful because it hurts. It was hard for me to see beyond the heartache. I even reached a point where I just didn't know HOW to pray anymore. I felt like I had given God everything, but really I was still struggling to stay hopeful month after month. I'm not an expert, but I feel like it is safe to say this is common among the couples who struggle with infertility. Am I right?
I'm on the other side of this now. In April of 2014, our infertility journey became a pregnancy journey. I now have twins who turned one last week. As I read through my journals and blog posts from our journey, I can still feel the pain in my words. The heartache and loss of hope are too familiar to me. I can look back on it now and see how that time in my life was falling apart so God could mold something much bigger than I had ever imagined. I see that NOW, but two years ago I couldn't see that. I knew what I needed to believe. I knew where I needed to place my hope, but in the middle of our journey, I struggled tremendously with holding hope in my heart.
If you are struggling with holding hope in your heart, you are not alone. My prayer is that your vision will become clearer, your heart will become open, and you will receive the comfort and strength you need during this trying time in your life.
Hugs to all of you.