"It's not only children who grow.  Parents do too.  As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours.  I can't tell my children to reach for the sun.  All I can do is reach for it, myself." --Joyce Maynard

I am currently fighting an inner battle with myself and a more noticeable battle with my 7 year old precious angel, Gavin. As a parent, you always want what is best for your child. Luckily I grew up in a home with a loving father and mother who at times I felt were too strict and had too many rules. It wasn't until I became a parent myself that I finally realized why they did the things they did.

Being a parent isn't about buying your child everything they could possibly want. It isn't about rewarding your child for good behavior with a video game.  It isn't a contest to see who can be the favorite. Unfortunately my child does not see it that way.  I can't help but blame myself for this.  When I was pregnant with Gavin, I made my mind up that I would graduate college with a bachelors degree.  From January of 2004- August 2008, I was enrolled as a full time student in college.  I worked through college as well.  The entire time I kept telling myself this would all be worth it one day because if I would be able to provide for Gavin when he got older.  Little did I know that at the age of 7 my sweet little angel who I love with my entire heart and soul would one day "hate me" for not being the fun parent. Yesterday Gavin broke my heart into a million pieces by saying things to me that a 7 year old would not normally say.  If I spoke to my mother the way Gavin spoke to me yesterday, my Daddy would have "jerked my tail up" and made me apologize to my mother.  With Gavin, I can't do that.... he is only repeating what he has overheard.  With Gavin, if I hurt his feelings or he doesn't get what he wants... he automatically requests to "go home" and starts telling me how terrible of a mother I am and how much he loves his Daddy and he can't wait until he no longer has to see me.  Coming from my sweet little baby... this rips my heart out every time.  For those of you who knew the struggles I had with my pregnancy, you probably understand why this breaks my heart so much.

Yesterday I reached a point where I had enough.  I told Gavin I loved him and if he doesn't want to spend time with me just because I won't shower him with gifts or take him everywhere he wants to go... that's fine. I tried to explain to him that "giving him things" isn't what being a parent is about.  He then tried to argue that his Daddy loves him more than me.  I looked at him with tear filled eyes, shook my head, and walked out of the room.  I shut myself in the bathroom and cried my eyes out to the point where I couldn't cry anymore. While I was in the bathroom, Gavin cried and screamed "I want my Daddy. I hate you! I don't like being here!" I pray that one day when Gavin is older he will understand.  I don't want him to know all of the details. I just want him to understand why I had to move out. I want him to understand why I always had homework. I want him to understand why I couldn't afford to take him everywhere he wanted to go. I want him to understand what a healthy relationship is.  I want him to understand what a happy marriage is.  Maybe once he understands those things... things will be different. Until then, I just have to pray. I have to rely on God for the strength I need to get through this trying time.

What else is going on with me?  Well personally I want someone to lose my cell phone number.  Funny how alcohol sometimes makes you want to text someone you shouldn't, right? I cannot even believe I am allowing this to bother me, but I just don't understand why someone would treat another human being the way I was treated.  Just when I thought I was over it and putting the pieces to my shattered heart and soul back together, I get these stupid text messages.

Needless to say, my weekend was not as fantastic as I had hoped it would be.  I did have the chance to laugh and have fun before everything fell apart.   Jonathan made the trip to Tennessee on Friday to visit and meet several of my friends. Yes...he is "that boy" I referred to in one of my previous posts. Hopefully we haven't scared him off.

Until next time...

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