- Harrison Ford
A few months ago a friend told me that before I could expect myself to be happy in a relationship, I had to first be happy with myself. This advice not only applies to relationships with members of the male gender, but also relationships with friends and family. It is so hard to believe that there was a point in my life where I felt the need to shut people out just because I was so unhappy with myself. I allowed myself to become someone I did not even know. I was unhappy with my decisions. I questioned everything I did. I tried to fill a void with unhealthy relationships with people who did not even deserve my time. The crazy thing is, my best friend of 17 years told me time and time again that I deserved better. I was settling for what I felt was what I needed to make myself "happy" and could not even see for myself that I was actually bringing myself down. After tears, stress, heartbreak, and prayer after prayer after prayer... and of course leaning on great friends, I finally realized.
Moving forward from my realization, I had to discover Kari. I had to sit alone in my apartment and cry sad, lonely tears on Friday nights. I had to wake up and feel completely empty and used. I had to go to the movies alone. I had to go out to eat by myself. I had to learn to be alone. At my rock bottom point, I realized what was missing in my life. I grew up in church. My parents took me to church every Sunday for the 21 years and 11 months I lived with them unless I was sick. Somewhere between the age of 21 and 25 I put my relationship with God on the back burner. I quit attending church on a regular basis and started making excuses. About a month ago I realized the only way I could get myself out of my funk was to "let go and let God". I had to turn my troubles over to God. The Sunday morning after I finally realized this, I woke up, got dressed, grabbed my Bible, and went to church. I didn't know anyone at the church I chose to attend that Sunday, but by the end of the service, I had met a few friendly faces. I listened oh so closely to the message and I felt so relieved and whole after the service. It was almost like that was a piece of me that had been missing. I wanted to hear more, so I called my parents and invited them to attend the Sunday night service with me. That night, my parents drove 30 minutes to Shelbyville just to go to church with me. I am still working on my relationship with God. I know He is still working on me though. I know He has a plan for me and I shouldn't stress or worry.
After placing my trust with God, I was able to work on my relationship with my family and friends. A simple "good morning" text can put a smile on someone's face, so I made it a point to send "good night" or "good morning" texts to friends. I started calling my parents more. I stopped sitting at home alone and instead went home to Lynchburg to be with my family. Surrounding myself with positive people who love me was just what I needed. :)
So here I am today, January 7, 2011. I am at a happy place in my life. I wake up and cannot wait to see what amazing things the day has in store for me. I thrive on the happiness of others. If someone tells me I made them laugh or smile, it warms my heart. It makes me happy to know I made someone else happy. I still have things about myself that I need to work on. I do have weaknesses, but I know for the first time in as long as I can remember, I am happy. Words cannot even begin to explain the warmth I feel inside each morning when I wake up.
Until next time...