I Fell in a Sad Hole...

What's a sad hole? Well it is what my therapist referred to as my hopeless, sad funk I tend to get myself into from time to time. I did everything she told me to do to try and pump the brakes and STOP myself from the downward spiral into the ugliest depression ever. I really did try. I failed. 

I am not even sure how to explain what has happened to me in the past three days. Maybe it is the progesterone? I'm on day 6 of my progesterone protocol to trick my body into thinking, "Hey! It's time to shed this ten week old lining!". I had hoped we were past this whole menstrual cycle induction thing. I really did. I was slightly crushed when NP read me my blood work results from two weeks ago. She informed me my body was stuck in the follicular phase. Translation: I'm not ovulating. I just keep growing this super thick lining waiting for one of my precious little eggs to find a sperm friend and hang out for 9 months. It is what it is though. So tomorrow is my last day of oral progesterone. Then we wait... 

Back to this sad hole thing. On Friday I was fine. I was slightly exhausted and really wanted some pizza, but other than that, I was fine. Cue Saturday morning. I woke up, put my workout clothes on, and headed outside. I had every intention of going for a nice, long run. The weather wasn't exactly perfect. I didn't feel 100% amazing. I tried to make the best of the situation. It didn't work. One mile into my walk-jog-not-quite-run, I decided I just wasn't feeling it. I walked back home feeling a little defeated. That began the downward spiral. I cried at the drop of a hat most of the day Saturday and ALL day Sunday. I felt like I didn't belong. I felt like I didn't fit in at church since I'm not expecting. I don't have a small child. I'm divorced from my 10 year old's dad, which means 75% of the time, I'm unable to participate in the mother/son fun events at church. I'm not sure WHY the divorced thing has crept up on me and suddenly started bothering me again. It has been almost five years since Gav's dad and I chose to go our separate ways. This isn't something new I'm dealing with, but for some reason it has started bothering me in the past few days. Weird. 

One of my least favorite things to hear when someone is attempting to comfort me is this.... 

"At least you have one child."

I realize there are women who have never and will never experience pregnancy or childbirth. I know I'm blessed to have received the gift of a child ten years ago. I also know I want to share the joys of pregnancy, childbirth, and so on with my husband. I want to raise a child WITH my husband. I want to give my husband one of the greatest gifts... a child of his own. It has become pretty evident in the past few years, my chances of carrying another child are slim. If you need a quick refresher on what started this journey, you can read my blog post from April 2013. We are almost at the end of our assisted reproductive technology journey. It is time to grieve and pray for God to comfort me. It is time for me to accept the fact my body is giving out and the dreams having a biological child with my husband may never come true. I have to be okay with not having a baby Bell. I am thankful God gave me three pregnancies. I have one precious child here on Earth and two precious angel babies waiting for me in heaven. I have so much to be thankful for, but at the same time I'm so sad. 

This is not the end. My husband and I are in agreement we will pray for Baby Bell until we feel the Lord is leading us to live the remainder of our lives together without Baby Bell. My husband is still confident God will hear our pleas for a child and we will have a child. I'm to the point I do not want to get my hopes up. It seems every time I am positive with high hopes, I get crushed. I'm almost numb to this process. I have no idea what cycle day I'm on. I don't even care what day I'm on. I just know I have to have a period in order to get pregnant. I know I can't have huge cysts on my ovaries. I know being in this sad hole isn't going to get my prayers answered. At the same time, I just want to be sad.