Why Do You Read This?

Seriously. Tell me. Why? 

A year ago I decided to break my silence. I decided it was time to share the extremely emotional journey I've been on since 2006 when I lost my baby. I wanted to share my journey for the sole purpose of maybe finding someone out there in either blogger land or Facebook who either needed me to support them or they could support me. I have been extremely blessed by the number of women (and even men) who have reached out to me since I laid every, single, personal detail out there for the entire Facebook and Blogger world to read. I have had people wrap us up in their prayers. I have had people offer words of encouragement. I have had people cry with me. I have had people rejoice with me. I have also formed a relationship with a handful of amazing, strong women who know EXACTLY how I feel. They understand how frustrating it is to be "out this cycle". They have scars on their bellies from surgeries just like I do. I do NOT have a single regret for opening up about my journey. 

I do regret letting the negative people tear me down though. I had a woman- whom I have not spoken to in YEARS- tell me felt she couldn't share her pregnancy happiness on her Facebook because of me. Let's pump the brakes a minute here. I am surrounded by baby bumps, baby shower invites, babies, and pregnancy announcements. I am HAPPY for each woman who does not have to endure the pain, frustration, or disappointment I have been through. Did you catch that? I said I AM HAPPY FOR THEM!  I have held so many babies over the past eight years. I get a little teary-eyed holding newborns from time to time, but that's about it. I'm aware of my limits. I know what throws me into a downward emotional spiral, and I know how to avoid those situations. Part of dealing with infertility, is learning how to deal with being around super-fertile people. It happens. It's life. Just because my reproductive system has forgotten how to function, does mean I'm suddenly overwhelmingly angry AT pregnant people, nor do I want someone to feel like I'm trying to overshadow them by sharing my own journey. 

Let me make this crystal clear so I do not step on any toes. I'm happy for those who are able to share the joys, excitement, and happiness of pregnancy with their spouses, friends, and family. I'M HAPPY! At the same time, I still hope and dream of having that same experience with my husband. There is nothing wrong with that. So many times I have had people trample tell me I should not feel that way and I should be thankful for what I already have. Yes. I am thankful for everything I have. Not a day goes by that I do not thank God for giving me my amazing husband, home, job, and Gav. I'm a woman. It is natural for me to want to be a mother. 

Now that we've addressed that elephant in the room...Let's move on. Shall we? 

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