Million Miles Away...

"Sharp pain in my soul, no car on the county road I can't stand to be going home, I'm so mad, I'm so alone

I made some big mistakes, but I can't take back yesterday It's just too hard to live this way, when your heart is a million miles away

I get tired and it makes me mean, but cruel words aren't what you need I know, we both agreed, but sometimes life gets down on me

Two hours on the interstate I get quiet and start to pray but it feels like I've lost my fate when we can't work it out"

2 hours. $250+. 1 slap on the wrist from my doctor.

I'm offically "normal" again? or whatever the opposite of being a complete pain in the @$$ is.  Lesson learned: Being numb to the people, situations, and events around me is a much better alternative than what I have put myself through this week. I will listen to my doctor and do as she says from now on.

Happy Friday. I started my morning off by consuming more coffee than a human should be allowed to have in an entire week. ONE ENTIRE POT OF COFFEE all to myself. I'm convinced the massive amount of caffeine flowing through my bloodstream did not help my panic attack / horrific emotional breakdown. Not taking my medicine in 2 weeks probably didn't help matters much either.

I was tired of feeling numb. I was tired of having this super "I can handle anything" attitude. Inside I was slowly breaking down. Today was inevitable. It was going to happen sooner or later. I knew I would wake up and realize I have to deal with my emotions and feelings. I can't just wake up, pop a pill, and expect life to be filled with rainbows and sunshine all of the time.

I hate talking about "what's wrong". I wish people would give me a dollar instead of ask me what's wrong. NOTHING is wrong with me. I'm fine.  Everything around me is WRONG.  I feel like I have been removed from my comfort zone and thrown into a completely unfamiliar place. I'm learning who people really are. That pretty little picture that was painted for me in the beginning of this so-called happiness has slowly revealed the ugly truth. Unfortunely, I knew this day would come. The day when I realize I have no clue where I'm going or who I am.  I felt like I had a grip on reality and had put the demons of my past where they belong; however, in reality I never really did. I just tucked them away in the back of mind in hopes they wouldn't show their faces again. Hello reality.

I've lost sleep. I've lost my appetite. That dark cloud that followed me around for so many months is back, and I am not happy about it. What can I do?  I rack my brain daily trying to figure out where I went wrong.  At what point did I stop being happy Kari and sink back into this funk? Why is this so hard for me?

What if....

... I move to a new city?
... I take a vacation for 1 to some far away beach?
... I change my phone number and start over?
... I just deactivate my Facebook account?

OR What if I just put my big girl panties on and DEAL WITH WHAT HAS BEEN HANDED TO ME? I always try to run and hide from my problems. Instead of dealing with them... I choose to hide. Instead of confonting the issue and/ or person... I ignore them. I'm not saying a light bulb has come on. I'm definitley not about to go around and confont everyone who has ever made me feel sad or icky. Let's get real. That would take all weekend!

From this point on, I will try  to get over this. I cannot make any promises other than I promise I won't start breathing fire and tearing down cities. At this point, I cannot even promise I will not fall of the face of the Earth for a few days.

hang with me here... I'm trying.

Until next time...

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