We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.
-- Joseph Campbell
This week has been a completely OFF week for me. I do not even know where to begin. Monday morning I managed to make it to work on time, which is highly unusual for me. Shortly after my arrival, I nice flower delivery fella walked into the lobby with a beautiful bouquet of flowers! I secretly hoped they were for me. Maybe my daddy decided to have flowers delivered to my work this year?? The flower delivery guy said, "I'm looking for Kari Neal." As I tried to control the HUGE smile across my face, I replied with "That's me!". He handed me the bouquet and I somehow managed to do some sort of skip/gallop/ jump move without dropping my beautiful bouquet of flowers. I read the card... "Happy Valentine's Day Sweetheart - Jonathan". Monday was a great day!
If you know me, you know why I despise this week. February 15 & 16th have been stamped in my mind as dates to remember. Tuesday morning, I woke up wishing there was some way I could just sleep until the 18th. If only I could wake up and say "Oh darn, I really [insert sarcastic tone] hate I slept through that." I have been in a rotten mood the last 3 days and I do not even know why!! Sure I hate this week. Sure my entire life changed FOREVER during those days way back when, but WHY am I bothered by them now?
After picking a fight with someone who didn't even do anything, I realized what is wrong with me. I'm holding onto things I shouldn't. I'm putting that stupid wall back up because I'm scared of getting hurt. The smallest things (actions, words, Facebook drama even) trigger some awful experience from my past, and the wheels in my brain start turning. As those wheels turn, I guess that wall slowly goes back up. I automatically assume the worst. I am afraid of revisiting that empty, hurt, lost feeling I had for so long.
I had my whole life planned out up to the time I realized I was pregnant with Gavin. Getting pregnant before finishing high school was definitely not part of my plan. Pregnancy threw quite a kink in everything, so I had to come up with a new plan. I would finish college, get married, have another baby, and live happily ever after. I guess in the mind of 17 year-old Kari, storybook lives were common and marriage would be easy. A few short weeks later, I found myself alone in the pregnancy journey and hurting emotionally. Time for a new plan again.
I know my past has only made me stronger. I know I need to let go of the past and enjoy the present before I ruin my future. *Yes. I read that on some cheesy website.* Sometimes it is just hard though. I know it is time to stop trying to plan my life. I can set goals, make a bucket list, and do things that make me happy. The old plan is out the door. I'm supposed to be starting a new chapter in my life. I'm the author of my own book! I had to go back and read my "Closing Chapters" Facebook note this morning just to remind myself what the big picture is here. I have to let go of the things that happened in the past and embrace what I have now before it slips through my fingers...
This isn't one my best blogs ever, but I do feel better putting everything into words. Maybe someone will read it. Maybe someone will say, "Hey! I know that feeling!" Maybe someone will say, "Good grief she sucks at life." Either way, I feel better now... I think.
Until next time...