I'm Back!

Well hello blog world! I'm back! I hope I can briefly fill you in on what has happened in the past few weeks. Here are the high points:

• We celebrated Trey's 29th birthday.
• We traveled to Las Vegas for a much needed 4 night getaway. If you have never been to Vegas, add it to your to do list RIGHT NOW! It is gorgeous.
• I had an extremely challenging week back to work.
• We received our results from Trey's gene sequencing test. He is NOT also a carrier for CF. So now we are back to doing an injectable and IUI cycle sometime in the next few months. Yay! Belly shots!
• I promised myself I would stick to a healthier lifestyle...for our children.
• I finished reading Pregnant With Hope .

Now that you know the highlights, I will dig into the important stuff.

The story of Hannah has been heavy on my heart lately. I actually saw a pregnancy announcement yesterday with 1Samuel 1:27 in it.**It was one of those slideshow announcements.** Hannah has a beautiful story. The first time I read the story of Hannah and her desire to become a mother, I had just lost my second baby. A co-worker at the time had sent me a card or a note with the scripture written in beautiful handwriting. I didn't realize how important that scripture would be to me until several years later. Here I am. I'm constantly going back to that verse and being reminded of God's power. Only God can overcome infertility. Doctors and nurses may have the God given talents and knowledge to help, but God receives all of the glory for overcoming infertility. Every. single. child. is a blessing from God.

In Hannah's time, infertility was a source of shame and humiliation. Like myself, Hannah was strongly influenced by her culture. Women were having baby after baby after baby in Hannah's time. Hannah was barren (the phrase "her womb was closed" is often used in the Bible to reference infertility) and unable to conceive a child. She felt like she didn't fit in. Sometimes I feel like I don't fit in. Hannah drew her self-esteem from what others thought she should be like. Did you catch that? Hannah drew her self-esteem from what others thought she should be like. I draw my self-esteem from how others think I should act, pray, or feel. I have caught myself several times lately letting how others think I should act or feel  make me feel .... gasp.... unworthy or like I'm not doing something right. I have felt like something is wrong with me when I have a hard, trying day and I want to cry. I have felt like I'm not supposed to be upset when I receive news that I'm out another cycle. I have cried at the sight of my period only to be told, "This is God's plan. You shouldn't be upset."  I am then upset and feel like something is wrong with me because I'm upset and I'm not supposed to be upset. It doesn't help. At. All. It is such a vicious cycle.

Several months ago, I saw a therapist once a week. Yeah. I said it. I was in therapy. While in therapy, I was encouraged to write down everything positive I had in my life. I was told to keep a list of rational thoughts with me and pull out my list whenever I felt myself slipping into a sad hole. If someone said something to me that made feel like less of a woman, I was to really think about what the person was saying, determine if it was meant in a different way than the way they said it, and not let it get to me. I was also encouraged to consider the source. Was this person trying to be helpful or hurtful? Was this person familiar with my feelings and situation or were they being judgmental of me. Folks, I struggle with this. I then look at Hannah's story and realize, I'm not the only person who struggles with it. I'm sure there are people reading this post right now and nodding their heads. Yep. I'm not the only one! Hannah was taunted by the women around her who so easily conceived and carried children. I have not been taunted per se, but I can relate to Hannah's feelings of low self esteem. It took a lot of tearful prayers for me to finally overcome my feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness.

I encourage anyone who is reading this to pick up or download a copy of Pregnant with Hope. There is a section about Hannah as well as a section about Abraham and Sarah. It will change your outlook. God has His fingerprints all over that book. If you are in a sad hole, please let me know so I can add you to my prayers. If you just need prayers this week, let me know that too! I feel encouraged when I know others are praying for me. I would love to pray for you. 

Until next time....