I. Am. With. You.

Yesterday was by far one of the most emotionally challenging days I have had during this eighteen month journey to bring home a healthy baby. At one point I even asked God, "Where are you? 'Cause I definitely do not feel You right now!?" Yeah. I was upset, sad, heartbroken. I realize I'm not supposed to question God or His will, His plan, etc. etc. etc. Well I did. I'm sorry. I did. 

Stay with me. I have a point. 

On Monday, I went for a nice long run / jog around the neighborhood. I did not have my headphones with me. It was just me running my little heart out trying to clear my head. Last week we received Trey's results from his gene sequencing test. We were expecting a call from NFC any day now with our next steps. Low and behold, I received "the call" from NFC almost as soon as I made it back to the house. When I answered the phone, my sweet nurse informed me they are ready to move forward. She told me to go ahead and order the rest of my Follistim and Ovidrel so I would have all of my meds when my cycle started. The craziest thing happened Monday evening. I started bleeding. I was super, duper, over-the-moon excited! This is it! We FINALLY get to start our injections and God is going to hold my hand and be with me through all of it and I'm not going to be scared...and... and... maybe we will be pregnant with our miracles soon! The excitement was overwhelming! I could not wait to call the clinic the next day to let them know I was ready to come in for my baseline ultrasound and blood draw. Tuesday morning (yesterday) I called the clinic right at 8:01 AM. The receptionist was very kind and almost seemed excited FOR me! It was great. She told me to be at the clinic before 11 and they would do my ultrasound and blood draw. I could barely contain myself at work. I was jumping from one thing to another. I was constantly looking at the clock and counting down the minutes until I could leave for Nashville. I kept thinking, "This is amazing! We are so blessed that God led us to NFC!" I arrived at NFC at 10:47. Shew. I could barely sit still in the waiting room. I got out my phone and started looking at pregnancy announcement ideas on Pinterest. I just KNEW this would be it! I just knew this would be the cycle God would bless us with our miracle(s).... 

Not even a minute into my ultrasound, I heard these dreaded words: 

"You have two large cysts on your right ovary and your lining is really thick." 

 Come to find out, the bleeding wasn't my period. In fact, I haven't had a period since December. I have not shed the lining of my uterus in over 2 months. It has just been building up and building up waiting for my ovaries to release an egg. My ovaries haven't released an egg because my ovaries just plain don't work the way normally functioning ovaries should. This isn't a newsflash. This is something I've known for the past few years.  I have 2 cysts the size of quarters on my right ovary. I'm back at square one. The nurse said it wouldn't be safe for me to start an injection cycle with the cysts on my ovaries because the cysts would absorb all of the FSH and they would just get bigger. She also said my lining was entirely too thick already and we didn't need to risk making it any thicker. We are out this cycle. 

So that's that. I did my best to keep my happy face on while I was in the clinic. One of the nurses was really apologetic. I told her, "Oh I'm use to it. We will just try again another time!" The truth is, on the inside I wanted to scream. I wanted to bust through the exit doors and just cry my eyes out. I convinced myself I could make it to the elevator before I started crying. Well, I made it to the elevator, but there was someone else on it. I couldn't lose my mind in front of a stranger, so I made myself wait until I got to the parking garage. Yep. I was the lady in the Centennial Medical Center parking garage who was curled up in a ball beside her car, dumping her purse looking for her keys, and crying her eyes out. That. was. me. I don't even care if anyone saw me. I was sad.  I was disappointed. I was heartbroken. The drive back to work from Nashville was not fun. Every song on the radio annoyed me. That "Hey Pretty Girl" song came on and made me cry. I called my Granny. She made me cry. I passed a car with 2 toddlers in the backseat. That made me cry. Long story short: I cried a lot on my hour and a half drive back to work. 

I know God has an amazing plan. I know He is the only One who can overcome infertility. I've said it before and I will say it again, when we finally have our healthy little miracle baby, God will get ALL of the glory. It is because of Him that every child is born. It is because of Him that any child is conceived. God gives the doctors and nurses the knowledge and ability to help couples, but GOD IS THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN OVERCOME INFERTILITY. I know He was with me yesterday even though it felt like I was so alone. I know yesterday was all part of His plan. I know one day I will look back on February 18th and think, "God was molding me for something better that day!" I know all of these things. I know He is always with me. I know this. I really really do, but at the same time I'm sad. I just knew our blessing was coming soon. I just knew God had wrapped me up and taken complete control of this situation. I just knew it. I had allowed myself to get my hopes up. I was at peace. I was excited. Now ... I'm disappointed. I'm sad. I'm heartbroken. I'm ... I'm... at a loss. My hands are open when I pray. I pray every single way I can think of. I pray long prayers. I pray short prayers. I pray for my body to heal. I pray for God to restore the fruitfulness of my womb. I pray for this to not happen to anyone else I know. I am super careful what I eat and drink. I exercise. I pray for God to use my situation so I can help someone else if it be His will. I don't know what else to say. What have I done wrong? Why do I still have these cysts? Why do my ovaries not work? Why can't I have a period like a normal woman? Why can't I give my husband a child? Why? Why? Why?!? 

Please remember me in your prayers this week. I'm so weak right now. I am at a loss. I know only God can take away the physical pain and discomfort I feel (along with this huge non-pregnant belly). Please pray for healing...physical and emotional. 

Until next time...