Over the past week, I have had a lot of time to read. There is absolutely nothing worth watching on TV, and I was bound to a chair or couch for almost four days. Reading became my friend. One book I spent some time with was When Empty Arms Become a Heavy Burden by Sandra Glahn and William Cutrer, M.D. There was a paragraph that really grabbed me by the collar yesterday. Well, it grabbed me by the neck of my hoodie maybe. Read this and ponder on it a minute....
"Tell God how you feel. So often we lick our wounds, calling friends who will help us bash any insensitive brutes who hurt us. Yet the psalmists express their anger, frustration, and pain to God."
The paragraph goes on to discuss how Hannah cried out to the Lord when the other mother she lived with taunted her while Hannah dealt with her own fertility issues. If you aren't familiar with Hannah, I encourage you to read her story in 1 Samuel. Back to my point... God wants us to bring our anger, frustration, and pain to HIM. God offers a remedy for all of our pain. That remedy is prayer. Fervent prayer. "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." (Phil 4:6-7)
Can you say, "Wow!"? I'm so guilty of harvesting my feelings on the inside, when really all I have to do is lay it all out there for God. Someone once told me God would not bless us with a child since I had such a negative, angry attitude. I'm not sure what scripture that person was using to back that statement, but from everything I've studied in the past several months... God wants to know when I'm upset. God wants to know when I'm sad at Him. Yes. I said sad. I've been sad he has blessed others and not us. I have felt like He hasn't heard my prayers. *Stay with me here. I have a point.* I have felt like I was being punished. I have felt like maybe I was unworthy. I have felt like nobody understood. I have hit what I thought was THE BOTTOM only to find out I had not quite reached THE ABSOLUTE BOTTOM yet. Ladies and gentlemen, I have sat in my bathroom floor and held so many negative pregnancy tests as I wept. I didn't cry. I wept to the point I felt like I couldn't breath. I wept to the point I felt too weak to even wipe the tears from my face. This has been hard. This has been a very hard, lonely, challenging journey. How can someone expect me to walk around with a permanent smile on my face as I spout stories of rainbows, sunshine, unicorns and marshmallows when that IS NOT what I'm experiencing? Did God instruct me to put on a fake smile and be tough? No. Did God instruct me to be something I'm not? No. God instructed me to trust in Him. Have I done that? Yes. I've often wondered if He could speed up his plan a smidge, but I've still trusted him. God also instructed me to bring my anger, frustration, and pain to him. Have I done that? Yes. I have brought it to Him over and over and over again.
I've told you all of that to tell you this. You might want to have a seat. This is kind of a big deal. I've been praying over this for several days. I can't think of a better way to share my "ah-ha" moment than through this blog. I. Am. At. Peace. The prayer I said before the nurse inserted my IV last Wednesday sealed the deal. I prayed for God to give me the strength I needed to accept the things I am not able to change. I now accept the fact I cannot conceive nor carry a child at this point. I prayed for God to comfort me. I prayed for God to watch over me. I prayed for God to let his will be done in this journey.
If we are on this journey solely for the purpose of sharing God's message with others and giving others encouragement and hope, that is ok. If we are on this journey so we can help others, that's ok too. If we are not able to conceive our own biological piece of heaven, that is God's will. Maybe He has a bigger and better plan for us. Does this make me sad? No. It humbles me. If I do not give birth to a little Trey Bell child, it is because God has something better in store for us. . . something grander than anything I could ever imagine.
Tomorrow holds a new beginning. Fasten your seatbelts.