I told myself I would not blog until the end of the week. Oh well. I've caught myself several times wishing I could just write a book on Chris' wall. I have posted twice on his page, but it doesn't seem to ease my pain at all.
I laid on the couch this morning -his couch that he let me "borrow"- and cried and cried and cried. There is so much I wish I could say to him right now. I know he is listening, but it just isn't the same. I want to hear that laugh. I want to see that smile. I want to give him a hug and tell him how much I love him because I don't feel like he knew just HOW MUCH I really do love him. I want to walk onto the patio at Casa and see that big fella sitting there waiting for me. I want this empty feeling to go away. I want my big brother back. I have so much to say to him. Life will just not be the same without him. This afternoon I stood in the front door of my parents' house waiting for the rest of the family to arrive for dinner, and it just broke my heart as I realized that blue Corolla would not be rolling into the driveway. Chris would not be getting out of his car in a wrinkly shirt. He wouldn't come walking up the sidewalk this time... We are all gathering to eat dinner for him, not with him.
I guess I was in shock yesterday for most of the day. It didn't fully sink in until I got in my car last night and drove back to Shelbyville. It seemed so unreal. When I got the phone call yesterday morning, I felt as if my heart stopped right before it shattered into a million pieces. It just didn't make sense. I couldn't figure out why I couldn't cry. Chris and I were so close. Why couldn't I cry?!? I curled up into a ball and kept telling myself this isn't really happening. Chris can't be gone. This can't be happening. Not now. The tears finally came when I had to say it out loud to my boyfriend. . . "My cousin, Chris, got killed in a car wreck this morning." The tears have flowed since that moment.
I find comfort in knowing I now have 2 angels in heaven looking down on me. Our Papa has been gone for 7 and a half years almost. I have no doubt in my mind that Papa held his hand out early yesterday morning and welcomed Chris home. . . I'm sure Papa gave him a hug. I'm sure they are both sitting up there right now looking down on me losing my mind and talking about how overly dramatic I can be about things.
I also find comfort in knowing my tiny small town has wrapped its arms around us. I am just in awe. The outpouring of love, support, kind words, acts of kindness, etc. They all mean the world to us. My mom and I stopped at Dollar General yesterday morning and were stopped by at least 4 people who told us they were thinking about us. Only in Lynchburg, TN can you walk into a store and have something like that happen to you. Only in a small town.
I'm trying so hard to be strong and not fall apart, but at this point I find it difficult to do so.
I miss you so much, Chris. Life will not be the same without you... ever. I love you so much!!
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