"There is a difference between giving up, and knowing when you have had enough."
As September fast approaches, I am reminded of what I was doing a year ago. A year ago I was planting the thought of a Baby Bell into my husband's mind. I had baby fever, and it was NOT going away. We got a puppy thinking it would cure my baby fever. Wrong. I would see babies in public, babies on Facebook, babies at church. Babies were everywhere and I was ready to make the next step in our marriage. I was ready for our family to grow 2 extra feet. I was ready for a baby.
One year later... we are still waiting. We are still ready one year later. One long, trying year later I sit here trying to convince myself that it will ok if we do not have a biological child of our own. One year later I log in to Facebook to see pictures of 3 month olds who were just a mere blob on an ultrasound a year ago. I am facing the reality that I may never feel a baby kick inside me ever again without going to the extremes that I promised myself I would never go to.
Over the past several months, a few people have commented on how open we have been about our journey. Honestly, if it wasn't for other women sharing their journeys via blogs, books, notes on Facebook, etc... I would have gone crazy long ago. I am not alone. I never want a woman to hear the word "infertility" and think she is alone. I never want a woman to feel like it isn't normal or ok for her to kick and scream as she reads about the procedures and cost associated with intrauterine insemination or in vitro fertilization. It isn't a journey filled with rainbows, sunshine, and warm, fuzzy feelings. It is a journey filled with pokes, praying, shots, tests, more tests, more praying, transvaginal ultrasounds, HSG tests, predictor kits, thermometers, tears, screaming, praying, praying, praying and screaming some more.
The day Nashville Fertility and IVF were laid out as options, I lost it. IVF is expensive. IVF is time consuming. It would require a lot of missed work days. It would involve me handing over $10,000 and hoping I wouldn't be buying tampons in the next 9 months. I'm not a risky person. I don't like to gamble. I don't like to take risks. Ask my husband. I don't just toss $10k around like it is nothing. I save and save and save just in case. I like black and white. I have to see what the end result will be. I like to have everything laid out and planned in front of me. You get the point. IVF involves me taking a risk and praying I'm making the right decision.
I've often caught myself making bargains or deals with God. I've promised I will do better this time around if He would just give me one more chance. I have said I will be a better mom and not let work get in the way this time around. I have hit my knees in my bathroom floor while holding so many "not pregnant" pregnancy tests while I prayed for patience and strength to get me through the day. I have hidden in the bathroom stalls at work just so I wouldn't have to see a newborn baby or a pregnant woman. I have laid in bed on a heating pad while giant tears streamed down my face as I read my Bible. I have called my mom while she was at work and begged her to come hold me. I have sat in the parking lot at work and thrown my phone across the car after getting bad test results. I. Have. Hit. Bottom.
On the flip side of all of that... I have attended a handful of baby showers. I have shopped in the baby section. I have celebrated friends' pregnancy announcements and offered a helping hand to friends who were expecting. I have rejoiced at first words, first steps, and first birthday parties. I have listened to Gavin pray sweet, precious prayers over me. I have become closer to God. I have become closer to 5 little 4 year olds at church. I have become a better wife. I have become a better friend. I have learned patience. I have learned to turn things over to God versus trying to carry the weight of the world on my own.
According to several medical professionals, it is a pure miracle I ever got pregnant with Gavin. God has a HUGE plan for Gavin. He is almost 10, but sometimes acts 30. I'm blessed to have the chance to spend 3 days a week this precious gift.
I've often asked the question, "Why me?" I know this is not my will. This is God's will. Maybe one day this will all be worth the wait... Or maybe one day God will take my longing for a Trey Bell baby away. Either way, God chose us for this journey and we will glorify Him through the way we handle it. I'm not giving up...
