Moving!

I am so excited to announce Dear Baby Bell is moving to www.dearbabybell.com. Please join me as I continue to share my thoughts, adventures with twins, and surviving my early 30s. 

Finding Comfort in the Uncomfortable

Thanks to the crazy Tennessee weather (and a couple toddler tantrums), I missed my regular Wednesday night prayer meeting with some amazing ladies. Have no fear. I spent time in prayer and studying yesterday, so I'm here now to share my reflections! Grab a seat. Have some coffee. Whatever. 

What do we miss when we hide within our comfort zone? 

Take the word "we" out for a second. What do I miss when I hide within my comfort zone? Personally, I feel like I have missed out on relationships! I'm so guilty of not reaching out to people from time to time who might need a little boost because... well... it might require me to *gasp* talk to a stranger. This is not something new. I've been a little on the shy side for as long as I can remember. Once I get to know someone, and I'm comfortable around them, I open up. I'm a sealed little mystery until then though. With age, I've slowly begun to push myself outside of my own limits. I'm not moving mountains by any means, but I'm definitely working on it!

When I'm stuck in my comfort zone (a.k.a my own little, peaceful, drama free world), am I missing the fullness of God? YES! God wants me to be comfortable being uncomfortable! I have to step outside of my little box and have faith in God. I realize this comes easier for some than others. That's what makes this world a beautiful place though! If we were all the same, what fun would that be? If we all lived in the same little comfortable box, how could we really accomplish what God wants us to accomplish? We wouldn't! We would all be stuck in own little comfortable worlds. 

When I decided to write about our infertility journey, I was absolutely terrified. When I hit the publish button on that super long post in 2013, my heart sank. I had prayed over it for several days and finally just took the leap. I was uncomfortable, but at the same time I had high hopes somewhere, somehow someone would read my words and it would be an encouragement one day. After that first post, the future posts became easier. It wasn't always rainbows and sunshine though. I did hit a few bumps along the way, but in the end I felt like I was being called to share my story. I realize what I did is not something everyone feels called to do! I'm not saying we should all air our personal business online. I am saying sometimes we feel called to do things we wouldn't necessarily think we would do. In my case, sharing all of my reproductive issues with family, friends, and strangers was what I felt I needed to do at the time. 

Here I am today. I've been tossing a few ideas around for where I want my blog to go and how I want to continue. I have a very special place in my heart for women who are faced with an infertility journey, women who are dealing with pregnancy loss, and just women who just need someone to be real with! [waving hello] With that being said, I am so patiently waiting for God to show me where to go from here. I have been feeling a tiny little tug at my heart lately to start a prayer group specifically for these special women in my life. Nothing fancy. Just a little group who gathers together once a month or so just to pray with and for each other. I SO badly wanted to be a part of something like this when I was struggling along my own journey, but I never knew how, where, or when to get the ball rolling. Doing something like this will be a bit out of my comfort zone. I feel a little anxious just typing all of this out, but... but... but if we all stick with what we are comfortable with and what makes us always feel warm and fuzzy, how can we experience the fullness of God's plan for our lives? 

Ponder on this with me for a minute... 
If you never step outside of the box, how can you ever really see the big picture? It isn't about me. It isn't about you. It is all about God. What does God want you to do? How can you use your life, your journey, your experience to help someone see God's greatness? 

Now put your coffee down and go be uncomfortable! 

I'll Hold You Tighter Today... and Always

I'll be honest. I do not even know how to write about this. 

I sat in a very familiar waiting room yesterday waiting for my name to be called. I've sat in that waiting room before as I held back tears of disappointment. My husband and I sat in that waiting room numerous times when we were pregnant with R&A. Yesterday I was surrounded by few women who were sitting with what I would assume to be their mothers... maybe? Perhaps they were future grandmothers waiting to sneak a peek at their little grandchild? I noticed a few college-age young ladies scrolling through their phones too. Then there was me... 

I was there for a follow up appointment for some postpartum issues. After I told the nurse about how much better I had been feeling mentally and emotionally thanks to some new coping methods and a bit of medication, I began telling her about my periods and how terrible they had become. If you have followed my journey for very long, you know I do not have a regular period. When I do have a period, it is typically very painful, heavy, and miserable. I had high hopes some lifestyle changes (regular exercise and some dietary changes) would help alleviate the symptoms, but after several months... it just wasn't working. When my doctor came in, I knew what we were about to discuss, but I silently prayed I was wrong. 

"You don't want anymore kids, right?" 

With my history, I knew this would come up. I have struggled with heavy, irregular, painful periods for almost 20 years.  I KNEW eventually I would have to have this discussion. I have been tremendously blessed with three amazing children. My womb brought three miracle babies into this world. Now we are faced with the reality that I will not be carrying anymore babies in my womb. At the age of 30, I sat in a room and heard the word "hysterectomy". I have joked with my mom for several years and said, "I wish someone would just take all of this out since it doesn't work right anyway." I was joking though. Now that I know I'm so close to that happening, it isn't funny. I'm 30. I.AM.30. 

My doctor did give another option before we go to the extreme of a hysterectomy though. He suggested an endometrial ablation. He also said he will go in laparoscopically (again) to clean up any endometriosis. There is a possibility I may have some fibroids causing some issues as well, so he feels these procedures will help. He was very straight forward when he told me this might not fix it. He said it will at least buy me a few more years before a hysterectomy though. 

I did not write this in hopes someone would offer me sympathy and say, "Oh poor Kari." Listen. I am a little overwhelmed by the fact I am facing this, but at the same time I am so thankful I was able to give my husband two beautiful babies. We both prayed and remained hopeful we would bring a child into this world. After a long, trying journey...We did. We were blessed with two at once. My reproductive organs do not function the way they should. In the bigger picture, I know taking care of this NOW will help me be a better mom and wife in the long run. It will be rough in the beginning for sure, but I am looking forward to living a life without heavy, painful periods. 

I'll leave you with this photo of my three little miracles. . . I'm squeezing them a little tighter this week. I know I beat all odds thanks to God and His amazing plan. God is so good and I pray He will be with us as we face what's next for me. 

To read about my last surgery here.

Worry Not

I'm a worrier. Surprise. Surprise, right? 
Last night in my Ladies' Prayer Group, we discussed the topic of worry and how God has called us NOT to worry. After reading through Matthew 6:25-34, I felt a slight sense of guilt. I feel like since becoming a mother almost 13 years ago, I have worried more. As the years have gone by, my worries have evolved and shifted. In the beginning I was worried I would not be a good enough mother to Gavin. As he got older, I worried for his safety. Now I worry about the world all three of my children are growing up in. I worry about if I'm teaching Gavin the things he will need to know when he moves out on his own one day. 

We are called NOT to worry though. So why do I worry about my children so much? Last night, I mentioned Ryker and his lack of fear. Ryker doesn't worry about anything. He will climb on top of an end table or try to jump off of the couch. He runs as fast as he can through all of the toys in the living room with no fear of falling. Ryker does not worry. Ryker is a child... a child who knows no matter what happens, Mommy or Daddy will kiss his boo-boo and "fix it". This is what God wants us to understand! There is no reason for us to worry. He will be there. He has it under control. "Can any one of [us] add a single hour to [our] lives by worrying?' (Matt 6:27). No. The key is to have faith that God is in control of a situation. 

In Matthew 6:34, we are called to "not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." What do we accomplish by worrying about tomorrow? Personally, I accomplish absolutely nothing. It is a waste of my precious time for me to worry about things I have absolutely no control over. I still find myself worrying though.  

It is no surprise I feel stretched very thin from time to time. Between keeping up with the twins, maintaining a household, being a wife, and co-parenting a preteen I wear many hats and have many important jobs. Right now, my heart is so consumed by my worry for Gavin and our relationship. He is at an age where I have to start letting go and allowing him to fail on his own. I cannot hover as much as I have in the past. If I want him to grow into a responsible adult, I have to start letting go. I have tried so hard to just cover him in prayer for the last few months. It might just be a phase, but I honestly feel like I'm losing him. I feel like my time with him is so so precious; however, he is at the age where he can decide what he wants to do (within reason). I worry he will resent me one day. I worry he and I will not have a very close relationship. I worry he will decide he wants to live with his dad permanently.

This week, I am praying for God to just take those worries away. I pray He will help me face the challenges I have ahead of me as I try to co-parent Gavin. I pray He will give me the strength and understanding to accept the things I have no control over. 
Amen. 

Toddler Time & Snow Storm 2016

As many of you already know, Tennessee (and the rest of the East) was hit with a snow storm. I originally thought it would be so much fun to be "snowed in" with all three kiddos, but that thought was short lived. It was very, very short lived. We were not officially "snowed in" until Saturday. Gavin's dad got into town a little earlier on Friday than he had originally expected, so Trey ended up getting out and driving on the yucky, icy mess to take Gavin home. Trey LOVES driving in the snow. Me? Eh. Not so much. Trey did manage to make it home safely so I ended up snowed in with Trey, Ryker, and Averlee sans Gavin. 

On Saturday, I convinced Trey we should take R&A out to play in the snow. I had dreams of Ryker throwing snow balls, rolling in the snow, and giggling at how much fun he was having. I imagined Averlee would enjoy sledding and tossing snow in the air. In reality though...Ryker and Averlee hated the snow. They equally hated being bundled up, wearing gloves, and not being able to walk in the 4 inches of snow. As soon as we put Ryker down, he face planted into a pile of snow. Averlee fell over and couldn't get up, so she joined in on the snow hating too. Basically we spent 15 minutes bundling everyone up. We spent 5 minutes in the snow. We made a huge mess in the laundry room with all of our boots and wet clothes. I have high hopes next year will be better. One can dream, right? 

Toddlers

If there is one thing I wasn't prepared for, it is this : TWO BABIES LEARNING TO WALK AT THE SAME TIME. They don't walk in the same direction. They don't walk the same speed. They defiantly do not want to hold my hand as I lead them away from whatever they are currently trying to destroy play with.  Obviously I knew they would sprout some confidence and take off one day, but I didn't realize I would blink and that day would be here so quickly. It is here though. 

They are also starting to talk. Of course 90% of the time I'm the only person who knows what they are trying to say. The other 10% of the time I think they are talking in their odd twin lingo. Ryker loves to say "ba" for ball. He says "tak-ku" for thank you, and "mik" for milk. Averlee talks about "cat", "bite", and "momma" on the regular. 

We have almost made the full transition to table foods. Almost. I have a lazy day from time to time where I will sneak them some baby food because I can barely even think straight. For the most part, they get their fruits, veggies, dairy, protein, and occasional sweet treats in. It's a win for everyone! 

When I Wasn't Looking

                           

Averlee took her first unassisted steps last night. She stood up, put her hands in the air, grinned ear to ear, and took her wobbly first steps. It was beautiful. It made me tear up. I was so very proud of her! 

I've never been one to make New Year Resolutions, but in an effort to organize my life and manage my anxiety, I decided this might be the year to make a few resolutions. One is to work on my own health and fitness (typical resolution... *blah blah*). The other is to live more in the moment and not let myself get caught up in the stress. 

I wouldn't say I've taken my time at home with the twins for granted, but I will say I've had a hard time shutting off my "working mommy" brain. I began working when I was 17 shortly after I discovered I would become a mom. I was in college and working until Gavin was 4 years old. Then, I began working full time. Those pay checks were so nice, but I was missing out on so much. I missed school functions. I was late for ballgames. I didn't get to help him with homework or stay home with him when he was sick. I felt so much guilt for missing out and not being present as a mother. I was doing what I had to do to pay off my student loans and save for his college though. I was doing my best. 

When Trey and I got married, I quit my great paying job so I could transition into a less demanding work schedule closer to home. No more hour commute. No more business trips out of town. No more meeting clients or co-workers to discuss business over dinner and drinks. It felt like a great move for our family and future kid(s). 

The moment Trey and I decided we wanted to have a child, we also decided it would be best for me to say home with him or her. As you know, it took us longer than we had planned to have a child. This made staying home even more important to me. I didn't want to miss out on all of the firsts! When we found out we were expecting twins, there was no question I would need to stay home! Daycare for two infants would be my entire paycheck! So the decision was easy... I would be a stay at home mom. Easy right? 

I love staying home with my twins and having the freedom to be there for Gavin when he has a school or sports event..... BUT.... For several months I struggled with not feeling like I had a purpose. I felt like a good day was defined by me taking a shower AND washing my hair. I constantly had family telling me I needed to "get away" from my kids and go do something else for a day each week. I felt like I wasn't making a difference. Sure. My kids were happy and healthy, but I always had someone chirping in my ear about things I "should do" or pushing me to leave my kids a few days a week. I felt like I wasn't a good enough stay at home mom. 

It is also important for me to note... I struggled silently with postpartum depression and anxiety for 10 months. I kick myself daily for not reaching out to my doctor for help sooner, but it is what it is. Honestly, it robbed me of a lot of joy. I reached a point where I wanted to completely isolate myself because being around others stressed me out. I'm doing much better now thanks to support from my doctor, friends, my mom, and my husband. 

So for 2016, I'm wiping my slate clean. I'm doing what I need to do to grow my relationship with my husband. I'm working on living in the moment and not worrying about what others around me think I should be doing. I spent so much of the twins first year feeling like I had to prove something. I felt so much pressure from others for me to go against what I was comfortable with. I felt like I had to prove that I COULD do this since I had so many people tell me I wouldn't be able to handle the twins by myself each day. I can. I plan to live in today and handle what is thrown at me... And enjoy each moment. This is MY job. I have 3 kiddos who depend on me, love me, and NEED me. I don't have to prove anything. I'm good enough. I'm doing the best I can. I'm loving my life and enjoying each day. This life is pretty amazing. Hectic and amazing. 

Twin Adventures - 13 Month Installment

Ryker and Averlee are 13 months old today! Do people say that? Or is it safe for me to just say, "They are 1" and leave it at that? Eh. They are 13 months. I must say, this is a FUN age, but it has also been a challenging age!

13 Months Old and dressed for church

Ryker is training for his first baby marathon I believe. He has two speeds. Sleeping and Running. There is nothing in between. He's either knocked out or he's running full speed ahead. He's still eating anything and everything we put in front of him. He has a total of 6 teeth (2 bottom and 4 top). He moved into his own room two nights ago. He loves to play with a ball, his bulldozer, his big brother, and his puppy, Harper. 

Never a dull moment with Ryker. He's quite busy! 

Averlee is still trying to decide if she wants to walk soon or not. I'm completely ok with her crawling for a little while longer since it is easier for me to chase Ryker if I'm carrying her versus chasing them both. I have a feeling she is about to take off though. She is such a picky eater! We still have to give her jar baby food from time to time because she refuses to cooperate when it comes to eating table foods sometimes. Typical girl. She loves to play with her tea pot, tea cups, and baby doll. She has even decided she can tolerate a small bow in her hair from time to time. *Score!* Averlee has 5 teeth (2 bottom and 3 top). 

Group photo...fail. 

As for me... I'm surviving. I've learned to just roll with the punches. There will be a day when I will be caught up on laundry. I will shower daily. My hair will not be in a messy bun. I will be able to read a book. I will have complete conversations with fellow adults. That day will not be today though. or tomorrow. or anytime in the next 4 years. I've learned WHEN to wave my little white flag and call my mom. I've allowed myself to admit when I need a break and it is completely ok for me to say, "I need a minute or 60 to myself". I went through a time where I felt so guilty for wanting some time by myself, but I now have no problem telling my husband he needs to handle things for a little while so I can take a breather. 

This is an adventure for sure. It is challenging. It is exhausting at times. It is rewarding. It is literally a dream come true. 

Holding Hope Close to Your Heart

"Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think." Ephesians 3:20 

Today as I was doing a little reading,  *Yes. I had a moment to read while I was drinking my coffee!* I came across a quote I had highlighted in a book a few years ago. "You are not lost to God. He sees your struggle, He knows your heartache, and He longs to bless the seed of hope He planted in your heart." The author of the book goes on to say, "You are already pregnant with hope. That hope is a gift from the God who loves you and who longs to bless you beyond what you can ask or imagine."  (quote from Pregnant With Hope: Good News For Infertile Couples)

In the middle of our infertility journey, I probably read this quote through squinted, tear-filled eyes. I knew in my mind this was true, but I was having such a hard time holding onto this truth in my heart. It is hard to see outside of the tiny infertility box sometimes. Your vision gets a little cloudy and your heart becomes guarded. You try not to become too hopeful because it hurts. It was hard for me to see beyond the heartache. I even reached a point where I just didn't know HOW to pray anymore. I felt like I had given God everything, but really I was still struggling to stay hopeful month after month. I'm not an expert, but I feel like it is safe to say this is common among the couples who struggle with infertility. Am I right? 

I'm on the other side of this now. In April of 2014, our infertility journey became a pregnancy journey. I now have twins who turned one last week. As I read through my journals and blog posts from our journey, I can still feel the pain in my words. The heartache and loss of hope are too familiar to me. I can look back on it now and see how that time in my life was falling apart so God could mold something much bigger than I had ever imagined. I see that NOW, but two years ago I couldn't see that. I knew what I needed to believe. I knew where I needed to place my hope, but in the middle of our journey, I struggled tremendously with holding hope in my heart. 

If you are struggling with holding hope in your heart, you are not alone. My prayer is that your vision will become clearer, your heart will become open, and you will receive the comfort and strength you need during this trying time in your life. 

Hugs to all of you. 

R&A Are One

Today we celebrate the birth of the two babies I was told I would never have. I am sitting in my kitchen drinking my second cup of coffee as I listen to R&A snore (thanks to some nasty colds) over the baby monitor. Even though they've physically been in my arms every day for the last year, I still cannot believe these two little lives are MINE. I cannot believe that shy, curly-headed, country boy I met five years ago is now my husband, and we are raising these two little humans together. I cannot believe I'm the mother of a middle school aged child. Is this real?! 

This morning, I sang "Happy Birthday" to each of my babies. They ate breakfast together, drank their juice (their very very watered down juice), and I told them the story of the day they were born. Every year I tell Gavin the story of the day he was born, so I guess this is just one of my weird mom traditions? Maybe so. Needless to say, R&A were not thrilled with their birth story. Ha. I have high hopes they will enjoy the story when they are older. 

After we wrapped up the mushy birth story phase of the celebration, I took them out of their high chairs and just watched them play together. I'm so grateful I have been here for them everyday since the day they were born. I've witnessed all of their firsts, kissed their boo-boos, and filled their tummies. I've held them when they were sick. I've rocked them when they couldn't sleep. I've laughed with them to the point of tears. This year has been hard, stressful, and a complete whirlwind. There are parts I would be okay with never revisiting. There are other parts I wish I could relive every single day of my life. With that being said, I'm forever grateful. This is all I ever hoped and dreamed of... and more. 

Happy Birthday, Ryker and Averlee. Mommy loves you! 

If you missed their birth story, you can find Part 1 here. and Part 2 here.

Breathing Through the Chaos

Life Lately

The last few weeks I've said numerous times, "It isn't rainbows, sunshine, and unicorns at my house." Contrary to what some may believe, I do not have it all together. I hired someone to clean my house every other week because I was overwhelmed by the amount of hair balls and dust bunnies in my house. Now, my house is clean for a few hours after my cleaning angel leaves every other week. Before I can even marvel at the sparkling kitchen floor, the cat will throw up or one of the kids will spill something. It never fails. This is life and that's ok. 

I have dabbled in the bandwagon that is running (or trying to run in my case) a business online. It seems everything I learned in college and all of the sales training I had when I actually worked in an office setting are no match for the social media world. Occasionally I'll have some time and a surge of great ideas will flood my mind. I've focused on trying to drive a wedge and set myself apart from others, but let's face it... My sales experience and knowledge of products means nothing when it comes to this stuff. Everyone is selling something these days....EVERYONE. In the last couple of weeks, I've made myself unplug and be less available via social media. I learned it doesn't pay off for me to be so present. I've talked to people, followed up, and invited. I've answered messages and emails within minutes. It doesn't matter though. My heart just isn't in it anymore. It is exhausting scheduling posts, setting up ads (for Facebook to deny by the way), and maintaining a presence just for people to say "oh I didn't know you sold that!". I'm not a pushy sales person. That's not how I was taught to sell. So in the last week or so I have stepped back so I can reevaluate my purpose as far as my business goes. In the end, I feel God will lead me to do something else. I honestly feel the tug from Him each day for me to hang it up. I just can't seem to make myself let go though. I want to help people. I feel like God is wanting to use me in a way where I can do just that, but overwhelming myself with social media posts, accountability groups, [dramatic] competition, and deviating from everything I ever learned about sales just doesn't seem like my calling. at. all. Stay tuned. 

Finally. The twins will be ONE on Thursday. I've been wrapped in this wonderful chaos for almost an entire year. I have survived... somewhat. There have been days where I have cried and convinced myself I cannot do this. There have been days when I felt like superwoman and wanted to take on the world with my twins in tow. I've prayed daily for God to just give me the patience and strength I need to be the mom He wants me to be to my 3 precious children. At the end of the day, I know this is what I've always wanted. I know this is the life I hoped and dreamed of for so long. I am a mother. I am a mother to twins who are into everything, refuse to nap at the same time, and put everything in their mouths except for their food. I have a 12 year old who tries my patience. He stays so busy with sports. It is hard for me keep up sometimes. He won't eat his veggies and drinks way too much sweet tea. I am a mother. I am a mother who doesn't shower everyday. My hair is rarely ever fixed. I've learned it's ok to go out in public without a full face of makeup on. Yoga leggings, Under Armor shirts, and Nikes are my daily uniform. I love it, but at the same time I feel so overwhelmed sometimes. My hands are full just like my heart. I'm exhausted, but I'm so blessed. I feel like I'm so unworthy of this life. 

Last but not least...  
I think I'm ready to be a blogger again. I'm not sure what direction I will go in yet, but I think I need this blog as an outlet and as a place to leave my thoughts. More to come on that later... 

I'll leave you with this picture... 

We are 11 Months Old

Three years ago, I never would've imagine I would one day be writing a blog update for my 11 month old baby. Today I'm writing a blog update for not one but TWO babies! I'm so grateful for these two little tots. 

Ryker and Averlee are into everything. EVERY. SINGLE. THING they can get their hands on. Playing in toilets, putting things in their mouths, pulling each others hair, throwing things at each other, chasing Harper (our 3 year old Shi tzu), and trying to "help" unload the dishwasher. There is never a dull moment with these 2. 

Here are a few pics from their 9 month 1photo session, which was actually a week before they turned 10 months. . . 

RYKER 



Nickname(s): We call him Ry, Ry or Ryker Roo

Favorite Food(s):  He loves bananas, fresh fruit, avocado, grilled cheese sandwiches, yogurt, steamed veggies and basically anything I've given him so far. The child will eat anything. I hope he continues to eat so well! 

Teeth: Ryker currently has 4 teeth. 2 top and 2 bottom. He likes to use them to eat, but he also uses them to bite me. Not cool at all. 

Words: He says "mama" "dada" "ball". He babbles all of the time. We just can't figure out what he's saying. ha! 

What's He Up To?: Crawling, pulling up, standing, eating, throwing his ball. He loves to hide and have someone find him. He lights up as soon as he hears his big brother's voice. He is so in love with his big brother. It just melts my heart. Ryker is a very patient, calm baby. He also recently decided he likes to be rocked to sleep. Ryker sleeps through the night all night, every night. 



AVERLEE 

Nickname(s): Averlee Beth, Vee Vee, or AB .... because saying "Averlee Elizabeth!!" 57 times a day is just too hard! 

Favorite Food(s):  Gerber Puffs. She's still not sure about all of the table food we have offered to her. She prefers to stick to baby food on a spoon for now. 

Teeth: Averlee has one bottom tooth! She had such an awful time cutting that ONE tooth. I'd be ok with her holding off on cutting anymore for a couple weeks. 

Words: She says "mama" and "dada". She also babbles a lot, but we can't decipher what she's saying half of the time. I'm sure there are a few words in there somewhere.  

What's She Up To?: Crawling, pulling up, standing, eating, torturing Ryker. Averlee likes to take stuff away from Ryker. If Ryker is playing with his ball, Averlee will take it from him. If Ryker is sipping his cup, she will take it away from him and drink out of it herself. Averlee is into everything. She likes to pull all of the diapers off of the changing table, tear pages out of books, smear food all over her highchair, her face, and her hair. She smiles with her entire face. She does not sleep through the night. We do good for her to sleep 3 hours solid. 

I cannot believe I am planning a birthday party. This all still seems so unreal to me. For so long I hoped and prayed for these 2 precious little lives and now they are here! 

Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day

I've spent the last few months trying to decide where I want my blog to go from here. I do not feel drawn to become a Mommy blogger. I don't have doctor appointments or test results to write about anymore. I sometimes do not even have time to shower daily so the thought of writing blog posts on a regular basis just seems far fetched to me. I'm still not sure where to go from here, but in the last few weeks I've had so many thoughts running through my head. I think this would be the best place to share those thoughts.... so here it goes. 

As many of you already know, today is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. As I scrolled through Facebook this morning while enjoying the sliver of silence in my home, I began thinking about my little babies in heaven. I wonder what they would have looked like. I wonder if they were boys or girls. I absolutely cannot wait to get my hands on them one day. I hope they know how much I wanted them here on Earth with me... I hope they know I loved them. 

Last week my Wednesday Night Ladies' Class was discussing grief and how people grieve. A few of the ladies were specifically speaking about losing a spouse, parent, or grandparent. As I was listening to their words, I felt the need to share what was on my own heart. Miscarriages. The loss of a pregnancy is something so many people just do not understand. So often friends and family do not know what to say to someone grieving the loss of a pregnancy. Some do not even realize that a grieving process is necessary even for an early pregnancy loss. 

Just a few weeks ago I had a sweet, young woman reach out to me. She was telling me about her struggle and how she felt like everyone around her was just brushing her miscarriage under the rug. On the day she reached out to me, she shared her baby would have been due that week. She was having such a hard time. My heart ached for her because I remember that feeling of loneliness. I did my best to reassure her she was not crazy and this was a normal feeling. It is part of the grieving process. I'm so glad God gave me the words to share with this precious girl. I'm glad I was able to help her not feel alone during such an important week. 

So often people do not know what to say or how to act when someone loses a child early in pregnancy. We all know that. Most of us in the infertility world have been there. We have been on the receiving end of some of the things people say. Personally, even though I've been there I still struggle sometimes with what to say to someone. I'm guilty of NOT saying the right things or being fully present when a dear friend needed me the most after her miscarriage. I was in the middle of my whirlwind of an infertility journey, and I just didn't have the right words or know what to do. I admit I'm not a pro when it comes to this stuff even though I've been on the other side of this. I am trying though. 

In late March of 2014 I hit my lowest point. I was grieving the loss of what we had thought was our answered prayer. I was upset. I was so raw and broken. Looking back on that post (you can find it here), I cringe. I remember trying to find a way to deal with my emotions and disappointment and coming up short. I felt so helpless. Please raise your hand if you've ever lost a loved one and just needed a minute to be real. [raises hand] Please raise your hand if you have ever felt your heart shatter in a million pieces at the news of a loved one dying [raises hand again]. I'm not the only one with my hand raised, am I? We are all humans here, right? I thought so. Losing a pregnancy early, later on, or giving birth to a sleeping baby is still a loss. Let me repeat that for those of you who might be wiping tears.... LOSING A BABY IS A LOSS NO MATTER WHEN IT HAPPENS. Grieving the loss is allowed. Grieving the loss is something a mother HAS TO DO.  I do not personally know the pain of losing a child in the 2nd or 3rd trimester, but I have unfortunately witnessed women who have had to endure such pain. I do know the pain of losing a pregnancy early on. I know the excitement of seeing those 2 solid lines .... then a few weeks later bleeding and being told you lost your pregnancy. I know the feeling of wanting something so badly in your heart that it hurts. I know the feeling of wanting your womb to be a safe place for your child to grow so one day you might hold them in your arms. I. know. THAT. pain. 

On this day and every other day, I ask that you remember the Mommies who didn't get to hold their babies and the Mommies who said hello and goodbye in the same breath. Being the Mommy of an angel is not an easy job. 

An Infertility Journey Does Not End at Birth

A few weeks ago I told my husband how badly I wished we could go out to eat with the twins and nobody interrupt our meal. I said it out of frustration. I didn't really mean it... well maybe I did just a little. R&A have recently fully graduated to high chairs in restaurants, which means they usually sit at the end of the table for all to see versus when we would tuck them away in the booth beside us. Now strangers come over and talk to us while we are either trying to feed the twins quickly before our own food arrives or when we are trying to eat our own food before one of the twins either (a) decides sitting in the high chair is no longer fun or (b) blows out their diaper. One of the two is always inevitable. A couple weeks ago a restaurant employee came over to talk to us. She was telling us about her daughter who has twins and the things her twins do. She then asked the question I despise the most (aside from the "are they identical?" question of course). She asked which one of us had twins in our family. Our response was of course, "No". She then proceeded to argue with me saying, "Well honey, one of you has to have twins in your family." I gave her a blank stare. Exhaled. Then the words just flowed out of my mouth. "Twins do not run in our family. Our twins are miracle babies. We waited two years for them." By that, she thought I meant they were adopted. I was trying so hard to avoid telling our infertility story in the middle of a restaurant. At this point the table beside us was already listening in on the conversation. The restaurant employee wouldn't let it go - or let us finish our meal without her 20 questions. So I told her, "No. They are not adopted. We had to do artificial insemenation." There ya go. In the middle of a restaurant while we were trying to eat and enjoy our time together as a family, I had to share that my husband and I could not have children on our own. All because a restaurant employee obviously couldn't mind her own business. 

I can see how we may have been able to blend into the crowd if had not had twins. People are so fascinated with twins. People ask so many questions. Some are good questions. Some are a little silly. Example: "Are they identical?" Do people even realize what it means to be an identical twin? I believe the first criteria would be for them to be the same gender. Just throwing that out there. 

The truth is, I'm ok with not blending into the crowd though. I love telling people how God gave us our precious miracles, but sometimes I'd really like to be able to make it through a dinner without having someone grill me about how I got pregnant with twins. 

The Day I Fell Apart

Today. Wednesday, September 16, 2015.... 

I love my children. I love all three of them with every ounce of my being. I love them more than I love Oreos (which is a whole dang lot). 

In March, I was desperate to whip my body back into shape. Desperate with a capital "D". I was doing literally everything I could think of within reason to lose the baby weight. One night while pumping,  I stumbled across a health and fitness page on Facebook. I watched as this woman who was currently pregnant did some pretty intense workouts. I wanted to be her. I looked at the videos of her working out while her two kids played in the background. I wanted to be her so bad. I wanted to be in shape so I could be a better mom for my kids. At the current time, I was still wearing maternity pants and shirts even! My kids were three months old and I was still wearing maternity clothes!!! It made me feel so icky. I have ZERO self confidence. 

Let me preface the rest of this story by telling you this... before we started fertility treatments, we agreed I would stay at home with the kids. All 3 of them. I wanted to be a full time mommy! 

So I joined a "sneak peek" group and realized there were tons of women just like me out there who also wanted to whip themselves back into shape after having kiddos.  I chatted with other twin moms and realized, "Hey! They are doing this too! So can I!" Long story short, a week after joining this group of women, I became a Beachbody coach. My original plan was to just use the sweet 25% discount to get my Shakeology shakes cheaper and I would get a discount on products (programs and equipment if the need came about). Well, as I started losing the weight, people started asking me what I was doing. I gladly told them what I was doing, but didn't really push any sales. I was NOT wanting to become one of those people who turned their social media accounts into a "PLEASE BUY THIS FROM ME" deal. There's nothing wrong with it if you are the type of person who does that sort of thing, but it just wasn't what I wanted to do.  I did make an attempt to let people know what I was doing though that way if they happened to want to join me or purchase products, they might think of me before buying off of Amazon or Ebay. Once again... I didn't want to spend a lot of time on this. My goal was to get myself back into shape. Period. 

Here I am today though. This afternoon I have no clue where my phone is because my twins crawled away with it when I refilled my water bottle. As earth shattering as that may seem, I'm so relieved I have no idea where it is right now.  Aside from me being on my laptop pounding my thoughts out on the keyboard.... I am officially UNPLUGGED. This afternoon I have realized I allowed myself to get sucked into working again. Yeah... its a little business. I'm not raking in the dough, but in the last month I have felt the need to be so present on social media so people will realize, "Hey! Kari sells that stuff I was reading about!" I feel like I have to reply to messages as quickly as possible out of fear I will lose a sale. I stay up late at night scheduling posts for my like page.. I sip coffee while I read up on the latest Beachbody news. I scroll Pinterest during nap times so I can find new and motivating things to post on my page or within my groups so maybe just maybe someone will choose ME as their coach. ON VACATION I STAYED UP LATE ONE NIGHT SENDING EMAILS OUT TO PROSPECTS because it was the end of the month and I was trying to close some sales. 

Don't get me wrong. It is fun helping people, but in the grand scheme of things... this isn't where I want to be. I will share my love for health and fitness with whoever asks! I will tell you what I do and what programs have worked for me. If you ask, I'll tell you about the Beachbody products. If you want to start a program with me, I'll gladly shoot you a text each day and we can help hold each other accountable. If you'd like to run with me at the park on Mondays or Tuesdays, I would gladly enjoy your company!! 

I have twins who are growing quicker than words can explain. I have an almost 12 year old who is involved in sports. I don't shower everyday because I feel like I have no time!  My hair is in a messy bun 99.8% of the time. I love the way I feel now physically. I'm healthier than I've ever been. I know how to eat and what to eat. I'm wearing the same size jeans I wore in high school. I'm also losing precious precious time because of my presence on social media... all so I can make some extra money. Money I don't necessarily need. What started out as just a hobby and a way to get a discount on my programs and shakes has totally taken over my day because I have let it. 

So today, Wednesday September 16, 2015 I'm telling you this: I don't have it all together. There are some days I hide in the bathroom just to reply to emails. I ate 5 Oreos last night because I was stress eating.  I will not reply as soon as you send me a message. I have no clue where my phone is. I need a shower. 

We Made It

9 Months

We made it to 9 months. I'm not going to sugar coat it for you. Being a twin mama has been rough. It's the good kind of rough though. It is challenging but oh so rewarding. Being the mom of a middle school student AND a twin mama while living at least 40 minutes away from family and friends and having a husband who works crazy, long hours and travels.... Eh.

When Trey and I decided I could be a stay at home mom, I had all of these amazing dreams ideas of what that would look like. I imagined mornings of sipping coffee while watching my children play in the floor. Afternoons of playing in the yard. Picnics under a tree. Trips to the park. Random shopping trips with friends. Playdates with fellow stay at home moms.  Can I be real for a second? When Ryker started crawling, which was probably 2 months ago, I went three days without a shower. You read that correctly. 3 days. No shower. If I haven't showered, I do not want to even think about going out in public. I put make up on once a week to go to church. I strike up conversations with the college kid cashier at the grocery store because I'm that desperate for adult interaction sometimes. My kids have not had a play date because everyone I know who has kids around R&As age either (a) work during the day or (b) live too far away. I do drink coffee in the mornings. I typically have to reheat it at least once because I usually sit it down after I pour it and forget where I left it. After I reheat it, I chug it. There's no time for sipping coffee in the mornings! ha. There are NO random shopping trips with friends. The thought of maneuvering my double stroller through multiple stores by myself is just overwhelming. Even the children's stores are not laid out well enough for a stroller! I do venture to consignment sales, but those are usually in and out real quick.

I'm not complaining. I'm just stating that what I had imagined staying at home would look like is not what staying at home actually looks like. Often family members assume since I do not work outside of the home, that I'm just sitting at home waiting on someone to come visit me. Negative. To be honest, there's not a lot of sitting. . . ever. I'm sitting right now only because the twins are asleep. *Thank you teething tablets!* In two hours I will load up R&A and we will go pick Big Brother up from school. I'll come home, fix dinner, and load everyone  back up and we will go to football practice... where I will push the stroller on a walking trail round and round in circles. I love it. I love how I've become so comfortable without make up on. My hair is rarely ever "fixed". I have officially given 95% of myself to taking care of my family. I cannot imagine anything more important than being the best wife and mother I can be to my family. If that means I have to strike up a convo with the grocery store cashier once a week while I'm convincing a little boy to sit in the buggy and not pull his sister's hair... I'm completely ok with that.

Family Vacation

Oh Hey!

The twins celebrated turning 9 months old while soaking up some sun in Orange Beach, Alabama this week. I must admit... I was dreading this vacation. I started packing a week before we left out of fear we would forget something. Needless to say, we did not forget anything, but we did have to run to the closest Walmart at least twice to buy more wipes and diapers! I guess I never realized just how many diapers we go through in a week since I always have a stock pile readily available in our nursery at home. In case you are wondering, the magic # was over 54 . Yes. Two little 9 month olds went through over 54 diapers in just 4 and a half days.

For the most part, we had a wonderful vacation! Ryker and Averlee were so well behaved (for 9 month olds) everywhere we went! Dinner was super easy each evening since we were at the beach during the off season. We walked right in and were seated immediately everywhere we went. Our food came out pretty quickly too which made things so much easier!

The twins also enjoyed having their big brother, Gavin with them all day everyday for 5 days solid! They enjoyed playing in the pool, the splash pad area, on the beach, and in the floor of the condo. Averlee loved playing in the sand more than Ryker. For some reason, Ryker always wanted to curl up under the beach shade and take a nap when we were on the beach.

Things I learned with babies at the beach:
☆ baby powder is great for getting sand off of hands and faces.
☆there's no such thing as having too many baby wipes
☆ babies eat sand... and it doesn't kill them. So don't fret when they keep putting their hands in their mouth. It happens.
☆ a wagon is a must! We had a collapsible on we use to haul our stuff at ballgames. It worked great for toting the babies from the condo, to the pool, then to the beach. We had room to put their toys, a small cooler, towels, and our beach bag too. It was a bit of a challenge rolling it in the sand, but totally worth the struggle!

I'll have their official 9 month post up after we make it back home to Tennessee! Happy Thursday!

7 Months Old and Other News

Ah yes. We have made it to the 7 month mark. *Actually we made it there almost a week ago. Forgive me please.* Where oh where has time gone?! I should probably start pondering 1st birthday themes, right? Too soon?


The last 7 months feel like a complete blur. People say "they'll be grown up before you know it!" Seriously. If it wasn't for my iPhone (which crashed a couple months ago btw), iPad, and our camera, I do not think I would be able to wrap my head around just how far we have come since the days of less than 5lbs, feedings every 2 hours, and the tiny, tiny outfits. They have grown and changed so much!

Ryker

Nickname(s): We've come to call him Ryker Roo or Ry Ry. I'm convinced he will grow up introducing himself as "Ryker Roo".

Favorite Food(s): Anything on a spoon. Seriously. The kid will eat anything. I have only come across one Gerber baby food he doesn't like and that's peas. I despise peas myself, so I cannot really blame him for not liking them!

What's He Up To?: Ryker has mastered the art of sitting up. He has started reaching for me if he wants me to pick him up. He wants to crawl so badly, but he hasn't figured out how to get his arms and legs to move at the same time. He wears a permanent smile on his face all of the time. He loves loves loves to play in the floor. He loves to drink water from his sippy cup. He enjoys trying to squeeze his sister's head, stealing her paci, and just touching her in general. Unfortunately, his sister does not enjoy having her head squeezed, paci stolen, or to be touched by him in general. He is determined to make her his best pal though. I admire his efforts. haha.

Averlee

 

 

 

 







Nickname(s): We pretty much just call her Averlee or Averlee Beth. Occasionally Gavin (big bro) will call her "little girl". I'm sure Ryker will give his sister a new name as soon as he is able to come up with one!

 

Favorite Food(s): She's a banana gal. We have had a lot of trouble with her super duper sensitive tummy and GERD . We have tried introducing baby foods very slowly; however, her poor little tummy just cannot handle much at once. Hence her small size. She does love to eat apples, bananas, peaches, and occasionally she will eat a container of green beans. She enjoys her bottles every 3 hours. We are currently giving her 4oz bottles during the day and a 6oz bottle at bedtime with an itty bitty sprinkle of rice cereal.

 

What's She Up To?: Averlee has mastered sitting up, reaching for objects, and throwing all of her toys off of her high chair tray and into the floor. She shows no desire to crawl at the moment. She seems more of a "watch and wait" type person. She watches Ryker bounce, scoot, and wiggle all over our living room. She is perfectly content sitting in one spot and playing with whatever she can get her hands on. Also, if there was a baby Olympics, she would be trying out for the swimming team. The girl LOVES to swim in the pool. I've been known to throw her little swim suit on her and get in the pool on days when nothing else seems to make her happy.

 

 

I have to say, THIS age has been my favorite so far! I do miss the cuddly, itty bitty newborn stage (just a little), but this age is much more fun. They are each growing into their individual personalities. I can sit them in the floor while I read book after book to them. They babble. They play together. They smile and giggle. I have told my husband numerous times that I wish I could just keep this size forever!

 

 

One more pic before I go....

 

photo credits to Jenna Henderson @  http://jennahenderson.com/



Four Months

We've made it. Ryker and Averlee are four months old! It was only fitting for them to turn four months old on April 3rd. Exactly one year after my first positive pregnancy test that ended up being a false positive. Here we are today. Our prayers were answered in God's time and not our own. I knew that would be the way it would work out all along. I knew God had a plan and I shouldn't question it. I knew that. I had trouble letting go of my own plan though. Today I sit here with messy, unwashed hair... spit up on my shirt... a dirty house... and a full heart. I feel like I could thank God daily for the rest of my life and it will never be enough. I'm so grateful for this experience. I'm so thankful for unanswered prayers that led to these two perfect little miracles.

I also want to add that in the last year, I have been contacted my a number of women who were touched or inspired by our journey. In the last year I have held hands, cried, and prayed with women who are walking a similar path I once walked. My heart aches for them. The pain of infertility is still so fresh in my heart. Everytime someone (often strangers) say, "Oh are they twins? Bless your heart. Your hands are full." I want to jump up and down and explain to them how hard I prayed and how long I fought just to have ONE baby. Don't say "Bless your heart." out of pity for me. I do not need pity! My heart is so full just like my hands. I love every moment of it. I fought hard to have this. There are so many women who would give anything to have just one baby. My heart still aches. Now my heart aches for those women and not myself though.



Here are a few pics from their 3 month photo session.