We have 83 days and 4 hours until the BIG DAY....
Thanks to our hectic schedules, we have become the couple who fall off the face of the Earth on random weekends just so we can get things done. Shew. Yesterday began bright and early with a breakfast from Hardee's drive thru, a quick trip to Trey's work, and an hour drive to McMinnville. We finished the day with our engagement session at Arrington Vineyards, picking up shirts and ties from Men's Warehouse, and dinner at Bonefish. This morning I woke up to go to Trey's so I could send him off on yet another work trip. Oh and did I mention all 175 of our wedding invitations arrived yesterday? *sigh*... I almost feel like we are on the home stretch now.
bridal.registry.
We ventured to McMinnville yesterday morning to register at this amazing store-- Southern Traditions. I fell in love as soon as I walked through the door and saw the Vera Bradley display. Since Vera Bradley gifts aren't part of a bridal registry, I had to put off my Vera browsing until after we were finished though.
Words cannot even begin to express how awesome this store is. I wanted 1 of everything! We managed to finally decide on some beautiful china, flatware, silver, and a few random fun serving pieces for the football parties we plan to have this year. It was so fun! I love how Trey has pretty much the same taste I do. We would be looking at some pieces, and he would say, "I like this one" or "I don't like that one". Luckily, the ones he liked were also the ones I liked. Registering for china was much easier than I had anticipated it would be since he DID offer input!
engagement.photos
I was so nervous. I was so so so nervous. I had never done anything like this before. I was unsure of what to expect. I couldn't decide what to wear. My blow dryer overheated halfway through me blow drying my hair. I couldn't get my hair to curl the way I had wanted it to. My bangs were in my face. I couldn't get my makeup to cover up how badly my face has broken out this week. It just seemed like I was doomed from the get-go.
Of course our engagement session HAD to take place at Arrington Vineyards. As soon as Stacy started snapping photos.... I was no longer nervous. It just seemed so natural. Trey was so calm and kept making me laugh. THIS WAS FUN!!!! Stacy is so creative and has such a good eye! She had a way of making us feel comfortable. I've never done well with the posed photos. I never knew what to do! Stacy didn't pose us thank goodness. We just acted the way we normally do and she snapped photos! It was great.
Trey also had a few tricks up his sleeve...
Our second location was on the side of the road near some train tracks. Just as we finished taking some pics in front of this beautiful fence, the train came by. Stacy sent us out to take some pics in front of the train. We were literally in the middle of the road! Trey picked me up and swung me around. I think he tried to warn me before he picked me up, but I didn't hear him due to the sound of the train! I cannot wait to see how those pictures turned out!
planning.the.wedding
In previous blogs, I have mentioned I am not scared one bit about getting married again. Even though we have only known each other for just over a year, and some may feel we are rushing this... when it is right, it is right! I know he will sit on the front porch with me in our rocking chairs when we are 95. I know he will take care of me when I'm sick. I know he will not go out and buy living room furniture without talking to me about it first. I know he will love me when I'm grey and wrinkly. I know no matter what, he will be with me until God calls one of us home. I KNOW with every ounce of my being that he will be beside me for the rest of my life. I know he is my best friend and I am his. So even though this may seem "thrown together" or "rushed", I feel like we have a better grip on what is going on than some people who may have dated 3+ years and were engaged for a year or more. We have both been through what may resemble hell in previous relationships, so we know what is important and what is not. We both know what we have is what we each have waited on and prayed for our entire lives.
Yesterday, Stacy gave us a gift. She gave us an amazing book about the first year of marriage and how important that first year is. I have read books on marriage before, but this book brought tears to my eyes after reading just the first two chapters. I have no doubt in my mind the first year will be a huge adjustment for us. I know it will be hard at times. I know it isn't going to always be rainbows, sunshine, bouquets of roses, and happy days. It will be hard. However hard it may be, I know we can handle it... TOGETHER. This is no longer just about me. We are a team now. As cheesy as it may sound, it is true. In all honesty though, it really isn't just all about Kari & Trey. God put us together. Through Him we finally made it to this point in our lives and through Him we will live our lives, raise our little Bell babies, and live happily ever after. A good marriage is based on Him. Loving my husband is me loving God. Respecting my husband is me obeying God's commands.
After May 26th, we will be husband and wife. The wedding planning will be over, but the marriage planning has just begun. . .
1.16.2012
Kari Bell. It has a nice ring to it....
Mission: Snatch Trey's Last Name.
Rachel Lowe said she is surprised I haven't blogged about my wedding planning, so here ya go! I'm blogging about wedding planning. If anyone has trouble sleeping at night, they can read my wedding planning blog and slip into dreamland in no time!
My wedding planning adventure is in full swing. We have a venue, a photographer, a bridal party, MY DRESS, a honeymoon destination, a plan, and 131 days. A month ago I was basking in the amazing thought of being Mrs. Trey Bell. I still am today, but the feeling is multiplied times 10. In 131 days the double doors of Fairlane will open. I will walk down the aisle to a man who is just as excited to marry me as I am to marry him. Tears will be shed. Big smiles will be present. I will finally know what it feels like to be loved by a husband.
Someone asked me today if I'm scared. Since I have been married before, and clearly that didn't go well at all... I guess the thought of getting married again should be a little scary. Honestly, there is not a single ounce of doubt or fear in me. I'm not scared because I know this is where God wants me to be. I know this is where I am meant to be. For so many years I wondered what it felt like to be loved by someone as much I felt I loved them. Don't get me wrong, the love from Gavin is an amazing feeling, but everyone deserves to be loved by a partner in life. Everyone deserves to feel like they are good enough. So as far as being scared, I'm not. This is what I've always wanted. I have found my partner in life. I have found the man who has enough patience to deal with me on my bad days. He has a heart big enough to love me and Gavin. He appreciates the small things I do. He never lets a day go by without reminding me how much he loves me. He cares about me. He makes me laugh and lets me cry on his shoulder when I'm upset. He looks at our marriage as a "team effort". He understands I am not perfect. He is my best friend. As cheesy as it may sound... he is. I feel complete.
Trey and I are blessed to have been part of a 14 week Love and Respect study at church before we got engaged. We were the only not engaged, unmarried couple in the class. The class was amazing. Not only did we learn from the weekly videos, but we also learned from the couples in the class who have been married 20 - 30+ years. We learned how to talk through things without coming across as defensive. I learned that even though sitting in the machine shop might not sound like a ton of fun, it is time spent with Trey & that makes sitting in the machine shop worth every single second. I learned to be thankful. I learned that loving Trey is me loving God. We are commanded to love and respect our spouses. I learned that men and women are different when it comes to conflict resolution.
THE. DRESS.
Let's be honest. 98% of women out there want to know about the dress. I found THE. DRESS this past weekend at an undisclosed store. After trying on 5 or 6 dresses... I stood in front of my mom, my aunt, my Granny Doris, Caity, and Rachel in a what was one of my favorite dresses, but I wasn't sure if it was THE. DRESS. Someone said, "Trey will cry"... Then, they put a veil on me. I had to bite my lip to try to hold back the overwhelming amount of emotion that hit me. I loved the dress. I loved the way it looked. I loved the little details of it. I knew this was the dress. This is the dress I wanted. This is the dress I will marry my best friend in.
SOMEONE SAID THERE'S A PARTY?
Ah yes. The bridal party! I couldn't be more pleased/ excited about the ladies who will be standing beside me on the most important / memorable day of my life.
I have the friend who planted the seed in my head that Trey would be a great boyfriend. After witnessing the train wreck of December 2010 and a brief Alabama trip, she knew what I needed. I needed a GOOD GUY. She just so happened to have "this friend". I knew her friend from previous group shindigs, but I didn't really think her friend would be into me due to the fact I'm super girly and probably not his type. After a few of her organized double dates, I was convinced. She was right.
I have my childhood pal who has been there for every breakup, broken heart, and clumsy fall. She has always reminded me the rotten ones along the way were not good enough for me. She has offered to beat up a few too. She has made me laugh. She has made me cry. For 17 years we have been friends. We drift together and apart from time to time, but I always know she's there. No background story is required. She knows everything.
I have the friend who is also joining the married club this year. Many double dates, four wheeler trips, lake adventures, and cheers on the side of mountains have been shared with her. I have known her almost as long as I have been dating Trey, and really my wedding day wouldn't be complete without her!
My flower girl is my soon-to-be niece. She personally requested to be the flower girl; however, I had already decided she would be part of the wedding. Her personality and girly-ness go well with the role, not to mention the fact she will be my niece! She has been a huge help with planning the wedding since she already has in mind how she plans to fix her hair, what color her dress should be, and what kind of shoes she would like to wear!
I have one more member of my bridal party, but she hasn't officially been asked, so my blog isn't really the place for her to find out!
So here it is... the first installment of my wedding blog. I will try to keep future blogs shorter! ha.
Until next time...
Rachel Lowe said she is surprised I haven't blogged about my wedding planning, so here ya go! I'm blogging about wedding planning. If anyone has trouble sleeping at night, they can read my wedding planning blog and slip into dreamland in no time!
My wedding planning adventure is in full swing. We have a venue, a photographer, a bridal party, MY DRESS, a honeymoon destination, a plan, and 131 days. A month ago I was basking in the amazing thought of being Mrs. Trey Bell. I still am today, but the feeling is multiplied times 10. In 131 days the double doors of Fairlane will open. I will walk down the aisle to a man who is just as excited to marry me as I am to marry him. Tears will be shed. Big smiles will be present. I will finally know what it feels like to be loved by a husband.
Someone asked me today if I'm scared. Since I have been married before, and clearly that didn't go well at all... I guess the thought of getting married again should be a little scary. Honestly, there is not a single ounce of doubt or fear in me. I'm not scared because I know this is where God wants me to be. I know this is where I am meant to be. For so many years I wondered what it felt like to be loved by someone as much I felt I loved them. Don't get me wrong, the love from Gavin is an amazing feeling, but everyone deserves to be loved by a partner in life. Everyone deserves to feel like they are good enough. So as far as being scared, I'm not. This is what I've always wanted. I have found my partner in life. I have found the man who has enough patience to deal with me on my bad days. He has a heart big enough to love me and Gavin. He appreciates the small things I do. He never lets a day go by without reminding me how much he loves me. He cares about me. He makes me laugh and lets me cry on his shoulder when I'm upset. He looks at our marriage as a "team effort". He understands I am not perfect. He is my best friend. As cheesy as it may sound... he is. I feel complete.
Trey and I are blessed to have been part of a 14 week Love and Respect study at church before we got engaged. We were the only not engaged, unmarried couple in the class. The class was amazing. Not only did we learn from the weekly videos, but we also learned from the couples in the class who have been married 20 - 30+ years. We learned how to talk through things without coming across as defensive. I learned that even though sitting in the machine shop might not sound like a ton of fun, it is time spent with Trey & that makes sitting in the machine shop worth every single second. I learned to be thankful. I learned that loving Trey is me loving God. We are commanded to love and respect our spouses. I learned that men and women are different when it comes to conflict resolution.
THE. DRESS.
Let's be honest. 98% of women out there want to know about the dress. I found THE. DRESS this past weekend at an undisclosed store. After trying on 5 or 6 dresses... I stood in front of my mom, my aunt, my Granny Doris, Caity, and Rachel in a what was one of my favorite dresses, but I wasn't sure if it was THE. DRESS. Someone said, "Trey will cry"... Then, they put a veil on me. I had to bite my lip to try to hold back the overwhelming amount of emotion that hit me. I loved the dress. I loved the way it looked. I loved the little details of it. I knew this was the dress. This is the dress I wanted. This is the dress I will marry my best friend in.
SOMEONE SAID THERE'S A PARTY?
Ah yes. The bridal party! I couldn't be more pleased/ excited about the ladies who will be standing beside me on the most important / memorable day of my life.
I have the friend who planted the seed in my head that Trey would be a great boyfriend. After witnessing the train wreck of December 2010 and a brief Alabama trip, she knew what I needed. I needed a GOOD GUY. She just so happened to have "this friend". I knew her friend from previous group shindigs, but I didn't really think her friend would be into me due to the fact I'm super girly and probably not his type. After a few of her organized double dates, I was convinced. She was right.
I have my childhood pal who has been there for every breakup, broken heart, and clumsy fall. She has always reminded me the rotten ones along the way were not good enough for me. She has offered to beat up a few too. She has made me laugh. She has made me cry. For 17 years we have been friends. We drift together and apart from time to time, but I always know she's there. No background story is required. She knows everything.
I have the friend who is also joining the married club this year. Many double dates, four wheeler trips, lake adventures, and cheers on the side of mountains have been shared with her. I have known her almost as long as I have been dating Trey, and really my wedding day wouldn't be complete without her!
My flower girl is my soon-to-be niece. She personally requested to be the flower girl; however, I had already decided she would be part of the wedding. Her personality and girly-ness go well with the role, not to mention the fact she will be my niece! She has been a huge help with planning the wedding since she already has in mind how she plans to fix her hair, what color her dress should be, and what kind of shoes she would like to wear!
I have one more member of my bridal party, but she hasn't officially been asked, so my blog isn't really the place for her to find out!
So here it is... the first installment of my wedding blog. I will try to keep future blogs shorter! ha.
Until next time...
12.14.2011
Hey. Will You Marry Me?
December 10, 2011. . . I said "Yes."
Several people have asked for the engagement story, so here it is. . .
We had planned to go Christmas shopping on Saturday (Dec 10). We were just going to go to Murfreesboro and knock out all of our shopping together aside from what we were getting for each other. His parents had come over Saturday morning to visit and have lunch, so after they left, I went home to get ready and head back to Trey's to depart for our Christmas shopping adventure. When we got in the truck, he said we needed to get his friends Rob and Brandy (Please forgive me if I have misspelled her name!) a bottle of wine from Arrington since they always get him some wine from a vineyard close to Cookeville. At this point I was just excited I would get to go to Arrington. I figured they would have Christmas decorations up and maybe I could get a glass of wine out of the trip too!
For those who don't know, I love Arrington Vineyards. It is peaceful. It is beautiful. I am a fan of their wine too, but being there is more than just drinking glasses of wine and snacking on crackers. It is beautiful.. just beautiful. Trey and I went to Arrington a few months ago for one of our "month" anniversaries, and I had said then we would come back on our 1 year anniversary.
Back to the story...
As we were headed to Arrington, Trey and I discussed church and other life matters. It was an awesome shopping trip already and we hadn't even bought anything yet. When we turned on Cox Rd. (about 10-12 min from Arrington) I said, "Well we could've ordered it online and had it shipped to them." Trey agreed and said, "Yeah I didn't think of that." We kept on driving though. As we parked I commented, "Oh I bet this place is beautiful at night!" He agreed to that too, but I knew we had too much to do and couldn't hang out at Arrington Vineyards all night so I didn't say anything else about it. It was pretty packed due to the Wine Club, so we ended up going to the downstairs tasting room. We went in and picked up a couple bottles of wine for his friends. As we were standing in line to pay for the bottles, I saw a college friend of mine - Matt Fisher! I hadn't seen Matt in quite a while, so I was rather excited to see that he was there. Matt and his wife are expecting their first child, so I was pretty excited when Matt told me to find him and his wife after we got out of line. We finally made it through the line! We walked out of the downstairs tasting room and walked back outside into the cold to the steps to the upstairs tasting room. As I reached down to unzip the "door" to go onto the deck of the upstairs tasting room, Trey said, "Hey." So I turned around to him standing there with a the most beautiful ring and his tear filled eyes and him saying, "Will you marry me?" I don't know if it was the shock or what, but I didn't say "Yes" for at least 2 minutes. There was a lot of crying, hugging, and kissing and "Are you serious? Oh my God!" I think I even said "Gavin knew?" Obviously I eventually said, "Yes."
The proposal was so sweet and so perfect; however, the fact he had asked Gavin 6 days before if he could marry me makes the proposal 10x more amazing. Gavin had worked so hard to keep a secret all week!
Wow. Wow. Wow. This is really happening!! Trey and I have talked and joked about how things will be when we get married, but now all of those thoughts are a reality. I finally experienced a REAL proposal. I get to marry my best friend and the most amazing man I've ever met in a few short months. To say I am blessed is an understatement. I am beyond blessed. I really, really am. It is such an awesome feeling to finally be at this point!
Now we plan our big day! :)
Several people have asked for the engagement story, so here it is. . .
We had planned to go Christmas shopping on Saturday (Dec 10). We were just going to go to Murfreesboro and knock out all of our shopping together aside from what we were getting for each other. His parents had come over Saturday morning to visit and have lunch, so after they left, I went home to get ready and head back to Trey's to depart for our Christmas shopping adventure. When we got in the truck, he said we needed to get his friends Rob and Brandy (Please forgive me if I have misspelled her name!) a bottle of wine from Arrington since they always get him some wine from a vineyard close to Cookeville. At this point I was just excited I would get to go to Arrington. I figured they would have Christmas decorations up and maybe I could get a glass of wine out of the trip too!
For those who don't know, I love Arrington Vineyards. It is peaceful. It is beautiful. I am a fan of their wine too, but being there is more than just drinking glasses of wine and snacking on crackers. It is beautiful.. just beautiful. Trey and I went to Arrington a few months ago for one of our "month" anniversaries, and I had said then we would come back on our 1 year anniversary.
Back to the story...
As we were headed to Arrington, Trey and I discussed church and other life matters. It was an awesome shopping trip already and we hadn't even bought anything yet. When we turned on Cox Rd. (about 10-12 min from Arrington) I said, "Well we could've ordered it online and had it shipped to them." Trey agreed and said, "Yeah I didn't think of that." We kept on driving though. As we parked I commented, "Oh I bet this place is beautiful at night!" He agreed to that too, but I knew we had too much to do and couldn't hang out at Arrington Vineyards all night so I didn't say anything else about it. It was pretty packed due to the Wine Club, so we ended up going to the downstairs tasting room. We went in and picked up a couple bottles of wine for his friends. As we were standing in line to pay for the bottles, I saw a college friend of mine - Matt Fisher! I hadn't seen Matt in quite a while, so I was rather excited to see that he was there. Matt and his wife are expecting their first child, so I was pretty excited when Matt told me to find him and his wife after we got out of line. We finally made it through the line! We walked out of the downstairs tasting room and walked back outside into the cold to the steps to the upstairs tasting room. As I reached down to unzip the "door" to go onto the deck of the upstairs tasting room, Trey said, "Hey." So I turned around to him standing there with a the most beautiful ring and his tear filled eyes and him saying, "Will you marry me?" I don't know if it was the shock or what, but I didn't say "Yes" for at least 2 minutes. There was a lot of crying, hugging, and kissing and "Are you serious? Oh my God!" I think I even said "Gavin knew?" Obviously I eventually said, "Yes."
The proposal was so sweet and so perfect; however, the fact he had asked Gavin 6 days before if he could marry me makes the proposal 10x more amazing. Gavin had worked so hard to keep a secret all week!
Wow. Wow. Wow. This is really happening!! Trey and I have talked and joked about how things will be when we get married, but now all of those thoughts are a reality. I finally experienced a REAL proposal. I get to marry my best friend and the most amazing man I've ever met in a few short months. To say I am blessed is an understatement. I am beyond blessed. I really, really am. It is such an awesome feeling to finally be at this point!
Now we plan our big day! :)
10.02.2011
On This Day...
Today we celebrated another year of Gavin Chase laughter, fun, crazy faces, and love. I couldn't help but think... "Wow. Eight years ago on this day I still had a baby boy in my belly. THAT baby boy was still in my belly."
October 2, 2003
I don't remember exactly what I did the day before Gavin was born. I just remember I had a doctor appointment at Dr. Stockton's office late in the afternoon. My mom went with me. We left the doctor's office that evening knowing that Dr. Stockton was getting ready to yet again go out of town. We would be getting a call later that evening from the hospital (or one of his nurses) to let us know if an induction would be an option. Much later that evening, that phone call finally came. I was terrified, but after talking with the nurse, my parents and I decided I would go ahead and be induced while Dr. Stockton was still in town. On October 2, 2003... I didn't sleep at all. I was ready to meet the little boy in my belly who didn't even have a name yet.
October 3, 2003
At 7:10pm I fell in love. As soon as little Gavin (who was named 2 hours before I started pushing thanks to help from Rachel Lowe, Eccho Staples, Callie Martin, Lashonda Holt, my daddy, & probably a nurse or two) was born, I cried tears of happiness and told my mom, "He is so cute!". He was so cute and so perfect. My prayers had been answered...I had prayed every night since I found out I was pregnant for God to please let me have a healthy baby. I prayed for forgiveness. I prayed for Him to give me the strength to be a teenage single mom.
So here we are eight years later. Wow. I'm still praying for God to keep my baby healthy. Each night we pray for forgiveness for our shortcomings. Tonight we thanked God for bringing us together eight years ago.
Happy Almost Birthday to Gavin! I love you, little pumpkin!
October 2, 2003
I don't remember exactly what I did the day before Gavin was born. I just remember I had a doctor appointment at Dr. Stockton's office late in the afternoon. My mom went with me. We left the doctor's office that evening knowing that Dr. Stockton was getting ready to yet again go out of town. We would be getting a call later that evening from the hospital (or one of his nurses) to let us know if an induction would be an option. Much later that evening, that phone call finally came. I was terrified, but after talking with the nurse, my parents and I decided I would go ahead and be induced while Dr. Stockton was still in town. On October 2, 2003... I didn't sleep at all. I was ready to meet the little boy in my belly who didn't even have a name yet.
October 3, 2003
At 7:10pm I fell in love. As soon as little Gavin (who was named 2 hours before I started pushing thanks to help from Rachel Lowe, Eccho Staples, Callie Martin, Lashonda Holt, my daddy, & probably a nurse or two) was born, I cried tears of happiness and told my mom, "He is so cute!". He was so cute and so perfect. My prayers had been answered...I had prayed every night since I found out I was pregnant for God to please let me have a healthy baby. I prayed for forgiveness. I prayed for Him to give me the strength to be a teenage single mom.
So here we are eight years later. Wow. I'm still praying for God to keep my baby healthy. Each night we pray for forgiveness for our shortcomings. Tonight we thanked God for bringing us together eight years ago.
Happy Almost Birthday to Gavin! I love you, little pumpkin!
7.21.2011
Glass
"We may shine, we may shatter,
We may be picking up the pieces here on after,
We are fragile, we are human,
We are shaped by the light we let through us,
We break fast, cause we are glass.
We might be oil and water, this could be a big mistake,
We might burn like gasoline and fire,
It's a chance we'll have to take."
-Thompson Square
Once again, I have mistreated and forgotten about my blog. Oh well. I'm back and better than ever...? OK. Maybe not better than ever.
Anyone who Facebook stalks me or follows me on Twitter probably knows I had to jump through hoops, fire, red tape, and other stupid things just so I could venture outside of the state of Tennessee with my little pumpkin pie, Gavin. I didn't get to go WHERE I wanted , I didn't get to stay gone as long as I wanted, but I DID get to leave the state of Tennessee for 2 days with my sweet little fella. We took a mini road trip to the great state of Indiana. I use the word "great" very loosely. There is seriously NOTHING in Indiana except for corn fields, road construction, and Holiday World. Since the first two aren't that exciting, I'm sure it is easy to figure out where Gavin and I went. HOLIDAY WORLD! We had a great time from the moment we woke up Monday morning until the moment I had to take him to his daddy yesterday afternoon. He may not have realized the importance of this mini-vacation, but maybe one day he will.
This was my first real road trip by myself. Granted I took a road trip to Florence a few months ago with Caity and Ashley. That wasn't a big deal. I had 2 other adults in the vehicle with me, helping me navigate the back roads of Tennessee and Alabama. THIS road trip was just me, my GPS, and my little backseat driver who snacked the whole way to Indiana and slept the whole way home. We sang along with whatever Sirus radio station was playing the current country hits. I listened to Gavin mumble through the "fast parts" (as he calls them) of Jason Aldean's new song, "Dirt Road Anthem". We talked about what we planned to do first when we got to Holiday World. We talked about how much fun we were having singing. He reminded me what to do if I got lost in Holiday World. ha. Yes, my 7 year-old was concerned about ME getting lost in Holiday World.
As I was driving out of Santa Claus, Indiana... I almost didn't want to leave. I knew our short little Mommy/ Gavin trip had come to an end and it made me so sad. Yesterday when Gav and I went over to Trey's to give him his souvenirs (since Trey was the main financial supporter of the Holiday World trip, he deserved a key chain and shot glass), Gavin was SO excited to tell Trey all about our trip. Watching Gavin's big brown eyes light up as he told about riding the roller coasters with his hands up, eating a yummy cheeseburger, and playing in the water park totally made me feel like I did something right. Clearly I am not the MOST AWESOME parent because I can't afford to take him to Disney World every year, but I hope one day Gavin will understand WHY I wasn't able to take him to Disney World or on any other long, EXPENSIVE vacation.
*Part II*
The boyfriend. As cheesy and cliche as it may sound, he really is my best friend. In past relationships (even my marriage), there had always been the guy... then there was always a gal pal or two who everything, who was always my go-to person if I ever needed someone to hang out with, or get away, etc. Don't get me wrong. I still have my close friends, but Trey definitely takes the title as best friend. I tell him everything and we do everything together. He has been put to the test. He has dealt with my "leave me alone" mood. He held my hand and gave me a shoulder to cry on as I grieved over the loss of Chris. He made sure my birthday was the best birthday yet. He has listened to me vent, rant, and cry over my situation with Gavin and the ridiculous parenting plan I agreed to. We attend church together when my baseball schedule and his work schedule allow it. Not once has he gotten upset with me. Not ONCE has he yelled, pointed blame, or complained. Our plans always revolve around what the other is doing. He has been amazing through everything. It is so awesome to be absolutely crazy in love with my best friend. It really doesn't get any better than this.
A few weeks ago, Trey and I threw together a cookout for our parents so they could meet. I had this urge to make something. I decided a potato salad sounded good, so I found a recipe for a potato salad. We went to the grocery store the night before our cookout to get our list of cookout items. The day of the cookout, we worked on cleaning his house up and getting the food ready. I started making my potato salad about 2 hours before our parents were supposed to arrive. I started boiling my eggs and dicing the celery and pickles. So far so good. Then.... I tried to peel the shell off of one of the eggs. Fail. The egg broke in my hand. This may sound petty and dumb to some, but to me it was a big deal. I used to get made fun of because I didn't know how to cook certain things... or because I messed something up or didn't put enough of an ingredient in it. I never cook because I've always been told I COULDN'T cook. I was embarrassed and sad when that egg broke in my hand. The ONE thing I wanted to fix for the cookout and I ruined it... As I tried to hold myself together and not cry, Trey came over and patted me on the back and said "It's ok. There's a few more eggs in the fridge. Just put another one in there. It will be ok." He then helped me dice my celery, potatoes, pickles, and eventually my hard boiled eggs. I know this story may seem cheesy, but I've never had a guy do that before. Never.
This is something I have always wished I could have... and now I have it and can't imagine letting it go.
Until next time...
We may be picking up the pieces here on after,
We are fragile, we are human,
We are shaped by the light we let through us,
We break fast, cause we are glass.
We might be oil and water, this could be a big mistake,
We might burn like gasoline and fire,
It's a chance we'll have to take."
-Thompson Square
Once again, I have mistreated and forgotten about my blog. Oh well. I'm back and better than ever...? OK. Maybe not better than ever.
Anyone who Facebook stalks me or follows me on Twitter probably knows I had to jump through hoops, fire, red tape, and other stupid things just so I could venture outside of the state of Tennessee with my little pumpkin pie, Gavin. I didn't get to go WHERE I wanted , I didn't get to stay gone as long as I wanted, but I DID get to leave the state of Tennessee for 2 days with my sweet little fella. We took a mini road trip to the great state of Indiana. I use the word "great" very loosely. There is seriously NOTHING in Indiana except for corn fields, road construction, and Holiday World. Since the first two aren't that exciting, I'm sure it is easy to figure out where Gavin and I went. HOLIDAY WORLD! We had a great time from the moment we woke up Monday morning until the moment I had to take him to his daddy yesterday afternoon. He may not have realized the importance of this mini-vacation, but maybe one day he will.
This was my first real road trip by myself. Granted I took a road trip to Florence a few months ago with Caity and Ashley. That wasn't a big deal. I had 2 other adults in the vehicle with me, helping me navigate the back roads of Tennessee and Alabama. THIS road trip was just me, my GPS, and my little backseat driver who snacked the whole way to Indiana and slept the whole way home. We sang along with whatever Sirus radio station was playing the current country hits. I listened to Gavin mumble through the "fast parts" (as he calls them) of Jason Aldean's new song, "Dirt Road Anthem". We talked about what we planned to do first when we got to Holiday World. We talked about how much fun we were having singing. He reminded me what to do if I got lost in Holiday World. ha. Yes, my 7 year-old was concerned about ME getting lost in Holiday World.
As I was driving out of Santa Claus, Indiana... I almost didn't want to leave. I knew our short little Mommy/ Gavin trip had come to an end and it made me so sad. Yesterday when Gav and I went over to Trey's to give him his souvenirs (since Trey was the main financial supporter of the Holiday World trip, he deserved a key chain and shot glass), Gavin was SO excited to tell Trey all about our trip. Watching Gavin's big brown eyes light up as he told about riding the roller coasters with his hands up, eating a yummy cheeseburger, and playing in the water park totally made me feel like I did something right. Clearly I am not the MOST AWESOME parent because I can't afford to take him to Disney World every year, but I hope one day Gavin will understand WHY I wasn't able to take him to Disney World or on any other long, EXPENSIVE vacation.
*Part II*
The boyfriend. As cheesy and cliche as it may sound, he really is my best friend. In past relationships (even my marriage), there had always been the guy... then there was always a gal pal or two who everything, who was always my go-to person if I ever needed someone to hang out with, or get away, etc. Don't get me wrong. I still have my close friends, but Trey definitely takes the title as best friend. I tell him everything and we do everything together. He has been put to the test. He has dealt with my "leave me alone" mood. He held my hand and gave me a shoulder to cry on as I grieved over the loss of Chris. He made sure my birthday was the best birthday yet. He has listened to me vent, rant, and cry over my situation with Gavin and the ridiculous parenting plan I agreed to. We attend church together when my baseball schedule and his work schedule allow it. Not once has he gotten upset with me. Not ONCE has he yelled, pointed blame, or complained. Our plans always revolve around what the other is doing. He has been amazing through everything. It is so awesome to be absolutely crazy in love with my best friend. It really doesn't get any better than this.
A few weeks ago, Trey and I threw together a cookout for our parents so they could meet. I had this urge to make something. I decided a potato salad sounded good, so I found a recipe for a potato salad. We went to the grocery store the night before our cookout to get our list of cookout items. The day of the cookout, we worked on cleaning his house up and getting the food ready. I started making my potato salad about 2 hours before our parents were supposed to arrive. I started boiling my eggs and dicing the celery and pickles. So far so good. Then.... I tried to peel the shell off of one of the eggs. Fail. The egg broke in my hand. This may sound petty and dumb to some, but to me it was a big deal. I used to get made fun of because I didn't know how to cook certain things... or because I messed something up or didn't put enough of an ingredient in it. I never cook because I've always been told I COULDN'T cook. I was embarrassed and sad when that egg broke in my hand. The ONE thing I wanted to fix for the cookout and I ruined it... As I tried to hold myself together and not cry, Trey came over and patted me on the back and said "It's ok. There's a few more eggs in the fridge. Just put another one in there. It will be ok." He then helped me dice my celery, potatoes, pickles, and eventually my hard boiled eggs. I know this story may seem cheesy, but I've never had a guy do that before. Never.
This is something I have always wished I could have... and now I have it and can't imagine letting it go.
Until next time...
4.28.2011
What Now?
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth -- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up, we will then begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had."
- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Over the last 5 and a half days, I have often asked this question... "Why?" Why my Chris? Why does my heart hurt? Why do I feel so empty? Why did he decide to drive early Saturday morning? Why did that man feel the need to make an example of my loving, caring, free willed cousin?
Why my Chris? It was his time? Maybe so. Maybe he did partake in risky behavior EVERY NOW and THEN. He had lived his life and it was his time. Contrary to what the pastor led us to believe on Tuesday, Chris IS in heaven. He will be waiting for each and every one of his loved ones when our time comes.
Why does my heart hurt? Chris was like a brother to me. From the adventures in the woods as children, birthday parties, Thanksgiving dinners, graduations, decorating Granny Doris' Christmas tree, Christmas dinners, late night trips to Krystals, teaching me to put black olives on my finger tips, evenings on the porch at Casa, rides in the black Jeep with big wheels, country cruisin', nights at Jacks that led to late nights at Starlite, finding him at the Block Party, searching for him at Bonnaroo, crying to him when someone broke my heart, receiving random phone calls at all hours of the night, getting "Where u at?" text messages at the most random times, avoiding dirty girls in Jacks, listening to him talk smack about me not being a fan of a "real football team", calling him when something was wrong with my car... the list goes on. I followed Chris around from the time I could walk until now. He may not have always followed the rules, but he sure was a happy fella the 29 years he was here. My heart hurts because I've lost my big brother. I've lost a part of me... but I find comfort in knowing he is still with me each and every day until we meet again.
Why did he decide to drive early Saturday morning? Who knows! I'm sure even if someone told him he shouldn't drive, he would've probably done it anyway. It has taken me almost 4 days to get over the fact that there was nothing I could've done. I can't get down on myself and wish I had called him back Friday night. Maybe if I had gone out that night, he wouldn't have lost his phone and maybe he wouldn't have felt the need to drive? I can't beat myself up with the what ifs.
Why did that man feel the need to make an example of Chris? Before I go too far into this, let me just say... this is MY blog, which contains MY thoughts. If anyone reading this was at the funeral Tuesday and he or she feels the pastor did a fantastic job, please stop reading now. I WILL offend you...and I DON'T care if I do. I am part of the FAMILY who he kept referencing, and I DID NOT appreciate the bashing of my cousin. Sure, he drank on the weekends. Was it out of control? Not compared to what it may have been in previous years. Did we need to be reminded over and over and over that Chris made a bad decision Saturday morning? No. We got the point. Thirty-five minutes after he said "Chris had a problem with alcohol and driving", that man finally shut his mouth. Unfortunately, during his after school special lecture on drinking and driving and the numerous stabs at Chris' "lifestyle", he failed to mention how awesome Chris was. How he would do anything for anybody no matter what time it was. He always had a smile on his face and a can of dip in his pocket. He loved his family. He loved his friends. He loved Tennessee football. He loved his job. He always managed to make people laugh no matter the circumstances. There is no telling how many times he got me in trouble in church or at family dinners because he would make me laugh uncontrollably. He quoted movies all of the time. He was a happy fella. He was a huge fan of Eastbound and Down. He didn't have a worry in the world. Alcohol was NOT part of his daily life.
I left that funeral feeling like I had been cheated. Aren't funerals supposed to make the family feel comforted? Aren't you supposed to leave there feeling some sort of closure? I walked out of that funeral home feeling hurt, embarrassed, and ANGRY. I was hurt because I felt like that was not the funeral my sweet, loving cousin deserved. I was embarrassed because that so-called spokesman for God kept saying "the family" asked him to speak on the subject. Umm... THE FAMILY did not request for that man to bash Chris in front of his close friends and family. It is that simple. I most defiantly did not feel any sort of closure when I left there. I felt like we should've pushed him off the stage and sent him home on the horse he rode in on. As some know, I made Chris proud on Tuesday. I made sure that man knew how displeased I was with his "sermon" or lack thereof.
Oh well. It is over. There is nothing we can do about it now; however, I do hope that man knows how hurt and upset THE FAMILY was.
What has Chris taught me?
Life is so short. Live each day to the fullest.
Live like there is no tomorrow.
If you love someone, tell them.
Never assume you will have a second chance.
Until next time.....
- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Over the last 5 and a half days, I have often asked this question... "Why?" Why my Chris? Why does my heart hurt? Why do I feel so empty? Why did he decide to drive early Saturday morning? Why did that man feel the need to make an example of my loving, caring, free willed cousin?
Why my Chris? It was his time? Maybe so. Maybe he did partake in risky behavior EVERY NOW and THEN. He had lived his life and it was his time. Contrary to what the pastor led us to believe on Tuesday, Chris IS in heaven. He will be waiting for each and every one of his loved ones when our time comes.
Why does my heart hurt? Chris was like a brother to me. From the adventures in the woods as children, birthday parties, Thanksgiving dinners, graduations, decorating Granny Doris' Christmas tree, Christmas dinners, late night trips to Krystals, teaching me to put black olives on my finger tips, evenings on the porch at Casa, rides in the black Jeep with big wheels, country cruisin', nights at Jacks that led to late nights at Starlite, finding him at the Block Party, searching for him at Bonnaroo, crying to him when someone broke my heart, receiving random phone calls at all hours of the night, getting "Where u at?" text messages at the most random times, avoiding dirty girls in Jacks, listening to him talk smack about me not being a fan of a "real football team", calling him when something was wrong with my car... the list goes on. I followed Chris around from the time I could walk until now. He may not have always followed the rules, but he sure was a happy fella the 29 years he was here. My heart hurts because I've lost my big brother. I've lost a part of me... but I find comfort in knowing he is still with me each and every day until we meet again.
Why did he decide to drive early Saturday morning? Who knows! I'm sure even if someone told him he shouldn't drive, he would've probably done it anyway. It has taken me almost 4 days to get over the fact that there was nothing I could've done. I can't get down on myself and wish I had called him back Friday night. Maybe if I had gone out that night, he wouldn't have lost his phone and maybe he wouldn't have felt the need to drive? I can't beat myself up with the what ifs.
Why did that man feel the need to make an example of Chris? Before I go too far into this, let me just say... this is MY blog, which contains MY thoughts. If anyone reading this was at the funeral Tuesday and he or she feels the pastor did a fantastic job, please stop reading now. I WILL offend you...and I DON'T care if I do. I am part of the FAMILY who he kept referencing, and I DID NOT appreciate the bashing of my cousin. Sure, he drank on the weekends. Was it out of control? Not compared to what it may have been in previous years. Did we need to be reminded over and over and over that Chris made a bad decision Saturday morning? No. We got the point. Thirty-five minutes after he said "Chris had a problem with alcohol and driving", that man finally shut his mouth. Unfortunately, during his after school special lecture on drinking and driving and the numerous stabs at Chris' "lifestyle", he failed to mention how awesome Chris was. How he would do anything for anybody no matter what time it was. He always had a smile on his face and a can of dip in his pocket. He loved his family. He loved his friends. He loved Tennessee football. He loved his job. He always managed to make people laugh no matter the circumstances. There is no telling how many times he got me in trouble in church or at family dinners because he would make me laugh uncontrollably. He quoted movies all of the time. He was a happy fella. He was a huge fan of Eastbound and Down. He didn't have a worry in the world. Alcohol was NOT part of his daily life.
I left that funeral feeling like I had been cheated. Aren't funerals supposed to make the family feel comforted? Aren't you supposed to leave there feeling some sort of closure? I walked out of that funeral home feeling hurt, embarrassed, and ANGRY. I was hurt because I felt like that was not the funeral my sweet, loving cousin deserved. I was embarrassed because that so-called spokesman for God kept saying "the family" asked him to speak on the subject. Umm... THE FAMILY did not request for that man to bash Chris in front of his close friends and family. It is that simple. I most defiantly did not feel any sort of closure when I left there. I felt like we should've pushed him off the stage and sent him home on the horse he rode in on. As some know, I made Chris proud on Tuesday. I made sure that man knew how displeased I was with his "sermon" or lack thereof.
Oh well. It is over. There is nothing we can do about it now; however, I do hope that man knows how hurt and upset THE FAMILY was.
What has Chris taught me?
Life is so short. Live each day to the fullest.
Live like there is no tomorrow.
If you love someone, tell them.
Never assume you will have a second chance.
Until next time.....
4.24.2011
My Broken Heart
"The angels are always near to those who are grieving, to whisper to them that their loved ones are safe in the hand of God."
I told myself I would not blog until the end of the week. Oh well. I've caught myself several times wishing I could just write a book on Chris' wall. I have posted twice on his page, but it doesn't seem to ease my pain at all.
I laid on the couch this morning -his couch that he let me "borrow"- and cried and cried and cried. There is so much I wish I could say to him right now. I know he is listening, but it just isn't the same. I want to hear that laugh. I want to see that smile. I want to give him a hug and tell him how much I love him because I don't feel like he knew just HOW MUCH I really do love him. I want to walk onto the patio at Casa and see that big fella sitting there waiting for me. I want this empty feeling to go away. I want my big brother back. I have so much to say to him. Life will just not be the same without him. This afternoon I stood in the front door of my parents' house waiting for the rest of the family to arrive for dinner, and it just broke my heart as I realized that blue Corolla would not be rolling into the driveway. Chris would not be getting out of his car in a wrinkly shirt. He wouldn't come walking up the sidewalk this time... We are all gathering to eat dinner for him, not with him.
I guess I was in shock yesterday for most of the day. It didn't fully sink in until I got in my car last night and drove back to Shelbyville. It seemed so unreal. When I got the phone call yesterday morning, I felt as if my heart stopped right before it shattered into a million pieces. It just didn't make sense. I couldn't figure out why I couldn't cry. Chris and I were so close. Why couldn't I cry?!? I curled up into a ball and kept telling myself this isn't really happening. Chris can't be gone. This can't be happening. Not now. The tears finally came when I had to say it out loud to my boyfriend. . . "My cousin, Chris, got killed in a car wreck this morning." The tears have flowed since that moment.
I find comfort in knowing I now have 2 angels in heaven looking down on me. Our Papa has been gone for 7 and a half years almost. I have no doubt in my mind that Papa held his hand out early yesterday morning and welcomed Chris home. . . I'm sure Papa gave him a hug. I'm sure they are both sitting up there right now looking down on me losing my mind and talking about how overly dramatic I can be about things.
I also find comfort in knowing my tiny small town has wrapped its arms around us. I am just in awe. The outpouring of love, support, kind words, acts of kindness, etc. They all mean the world to us. My mom and I stopped at Dollar General yesterday morning and were stopped by at least 4 people who told us they were thinking about us. Only in Lynchburg, TN can you walk into a store and have something like that happen to you. Only in a small town.
I'm trying so hard to be strong and not fall apart, but at this point I find it difficult to do so.
I miss you so much, Chris. Life will not be the same without you... ever. I love you so much!!
I told myself I would not blog until the end of the week. Oh well. I've caught myself several times wishing I could just write a book on Chris' wall. I have posted twice on his page, but it doesn't seem to ease my pain at all.
I laid on the couch this morning -his couch that he let me "borrow"- and cried and cried and cried. There is so much I wish I could say to him right now. I know he is listening, but it just isn't the same. I want to hear that laugh. I want to see that smile. I want to give him a hug and tell him how much I love him because I don't feel like he knew just HOW MUCH I really do love him. I want to walk onto the patio at Casa and see that big fella sitting there waiting for me. I want this empty feeling to go away. I want my big brother back. I have so much to say to him. Life will just not be the same without him. This afternoon I stood in the front door of my parents' house waiting for the rest of the family to arrive for dinner, and it just broke my heart as I realized that blue Corolla would not be rolling into the driveway. Chris would not be getting out of his car in a wrinkly shirt. He wouldn't come walking up the sidewalk this time... We are all gathering to eat dinner for him, not with him.
I guess I was in shock yesterday for most of the day. It didn't fully sink in until I got in my car last night and drove back to Shelbyville. It seemed so unreal. When I got the phone call yesterday morning, I felt as if my heart stopped right before it shattered into a million pieces. It just didn't make sense. I couldn't figure out why I couldn't cry. Chris and I were so close. Why couldn't I cry?!? I curled up into a ball and kept telling myself this isn't really happening. Chris can't be gone. This can't be happening. Not now. The tears finally came when I had to say it out loud to my boyfriend. . . "My cousin, Chris, got killed in a car wreck this morning." The tears have flowed since that moment.
I find comfort in knowing I now have 2 angels in heaven looking down on me. Our Papa has been gone for 7 and a half years almost. I have no doubt in my mind that Papa held his hand out early yesterday morning and welcomed Chris home. . . I'm sure Papa gave him a hug. I'm sure they are both sitting up there right now looking down on me losing my mind and talking about how overly dramatic I can be about things.
I also find comfort in knowing my tiny small town has wrapped its arms around us. I am just in awe. The outpouring of love, support, kind words, acts of kindness, etc. They all mean the world to us. My mom and I stopped at Dollar General yesterday morning and were stopped by at least 4 people who told us they were thinking about us. Only in Lynchburg, TN can you walk into a store and have something like that happen to you. Only in a small town.
I'm trying so hard to be strong and not fall apart, but at this point I find it difficult to do so.
I miss you so much, Chris. Life will not be the same without you... ever. I love you so much!!
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