On This Day...

Today we celebrated another year of Gavin Chase laughter, fun, crazy faces, and love. I couldn't help but think... "Wow. Eight years ago on this day I still had a baby boy in my belly. THAT baby boy was still in my belly."

October 2, 2003

I don't remember exactly what I did the day before Gavin was born. I just remember I had a doctor appointment at Dr. Stockton's office late in the afternoon. My mom went with me. We left the doctor's office that evening knowing that Dr. Stockton was getting ready to yet again go out of town. We would be getting a call later that evening from the hospital (or one of his nurses) to let us know if an induction would be an option.  Much later that evening, that phone call finally came. I was terrified, but after talking with the nurse, my parents and I decided I would go ahead and be induced while Dr. Stockton was still in town. On October 2, 2003... I didn't sleep at all. I was ready to meet the little boy in my belly who didn't even have a name yet.


October 3, 2003

At 7:10pm I fell in love. As soon as little Gavin (who was named 2 hours before I started pushing thanks to help from Rachel Lowe, Eccho Staples, Callie Martin, Lashonda Holt, my daddy, & probably a nurse or two) was born, I cried tears of happiness and told my mom, "He is so cute!".  He was so cute and so perfect. My prayers had been answered...I had prayed every night since I found out I was pregnant for God to please let me have a healthy baby. I prayed for forgiveness. I prayed for Him to give me the strength to be a teenage single mom.  


So here we are eight years later. Wow. I'm still praying for God to keep my baby healthy. Each night we pray for forgiveness for our shortcomings. Tonight we thanked God for bringing us together eight years ago.


Happy Almost Birthday to Gavin! I love you, little pumpkin!

Glass

"We may shine, we may shatter,
We may be picking up the pieces here on after,
We are fragile, we are human,
We are shaped by the light we let through us,
We break fast, cause we are glass.

We might be oil and water, this could be a big mistake,
We might burn like gasoline and fire,
It's a chance we'll have to take."
-Thompson Square

Once again, I have mistreated and forgotten about my blog. Oh well. I'm back and better than ever...? OK. Maybe not better than ever.

Anyone who Facebook stalks me or follows me on Twitter probably knows I had to jump through hoops, fire, red tape, and other stupid things just so I could venture outside of the state of Tennessee with my little pumpkin pie, Gavin.  I didn't get to go WHERE I wanted , I didn't get to stay gone as long as I wanted, but I DID get to leave the state of Tennessee for 2 days with my sweet little fella.  We took a mini road trip to the great state of Indiana. I use the word "great" very loosely.  There is seriously NOTHING in Indiana except for corn fields, road construction, and Holiday World.  Since the first two aren't that exciting, I'm sure it is easy to figure out where Gavin and I went. HOLIDAY WORLD! We had a great time from the moment we woke up Monday morning until the moment I had to take him to his daddy yesterday afternoon.  He may not have realized the importance of this mini-vacation, but maybe one day he will. 

This was my first real road trip by myself. Granted I took a road trip to Florence a few months ago with Caity and Ashley. That wasn't a big deal. I had 2 other adults in the vehicle with me, helping me navigate the back roads of Tennessee and Alabama. THIS road trip was just me, my GPS, and my little backseat driver who snacked the whole way to Indiana and slept the whole way home.  We sang along with whatever Sirus radio station was playing the current country hits. I listened to Gavin mumble through the "fast parts" (as he calls them) of Jason Aldean's new song, "Dirt Road Anthem".  We talked about what we planned to do first when we got to Holiday World. We talked about how much fun we were having singing. He reminded me what to do if I got lost in Holiday World. ha. Yes, my 7 year-old was concerned about ME getting lost in Holiday World.

As I was driving out of Santa Claus, Indiana... I almost didn't want to leave.  I knew our short little Mommy/ Gavin trip had come to an end and it made me so sad.  Yesterday when Gav and I went over to Trey's to give him his souvenirs (since Trey was the main financial supporter of the Holiday World trip, he deserved a key chain and shot glass), Gavin was SO excited to tell Trey all about our trip. Watching Gavin's big brown eyes light up as he told about riding the roller coasters with his hands up, eating a yummy cheeseburger, and playing in the water park totally made me feel like I did something right.  Clearly I am not the MOST AWESOME parent because I can't afford to take him to Disney World every year, but I hope one day Gavin will understand WHY I wasn't able to take him to Disney World or on any other long, EXPENSIVE vacation. 

*Part II*
The boyfriend.  As cheesy and cliche as it may sound, he really is my best friend. In past relationships (even my marriage), there had always been the guy... then there was always a gal pal or two who everything, who was always my go-to person if I ever needed someone to hang out with, or  get away, etc.  Don't get me wrong. I still have my close friends, but Trey definitely takes the title as best friend. I tell him everything and we do everything together. He has been put to the test. He has dealt with my "leave me alone" mood. He held my hand and gave me a shoulder to cry on as I grieved over the loss of Chris. He made sure my birthday was the best birthday yet. He has listened to me vent, rant, and cry over my situation with Gavin and the ridiculous parenting plan I agreed to. We attend church together when my baseball schedule and his work schedule allow it.  Not once has he gotten upset with me. Not ONCE has he yelled, pointed blame, or complained. Our plans always revolve around what the other is doing. He has been amazing through everything. It is so awesome to be absolutely crazy in love with my best friend.  It really doesn't get any better than this.

A few weeks ago, Trey and I threw together a cookout for our parents so they could meet. I had this urge to make something. I decided a potato salad sounded good, so I found a recipe for a potato salad. We went to the grocery store the night before our cookout to get our list of cookout items. The day of the cookout, we worked on cleaning his house up and getting the food ready. I started making my potato salad about 2 hours before our parents were supposed to arrive. I started boiling my eggs and dicing the celery and pickles. So far so good. Then.... I tried to peel the shell off of one of the eggs. Fail. The egg broke in my hand. This may sound petty and dumb to some, but to me it was a big deal. I used to get made fun of because I didn't know how to cook certain things... or because I messed something up or didn't put enough of an ingredient in it. I never cook because I've always been told I COULDN'T cook.  I was embarrassed and sad when that egg broke in my hand. The ONE thing I wanted to fix for the cookout and I ruined it... As I tried to hold myself together and not cry, Trey came over and patted me on the back and said "It's ok. There's a few more eggs in the fridge. Just put another one in there. It will be ok."  He then helped me dice my celery, potatoes, pickles, and eventually my hard boiled eggs. I know this story may seem cheesy, but I've never had a guy do that before. Never.

This is something I have always wished I could have... and now I have it and can't imagine letting it go.

Until next time...

What Now?

"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth -- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up, we will then begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had."
- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Over the last 5 and a half days, I have often asked this question... "Why?" Why my Chris? Why does my heart hurt? Why do I feel so empty? Why did he decide to drive early Saturday morning?  Why did that man feel the need to make an example of my loving, caring, free willed cousin? 

Why my Chris?  It was his time? Maybe so. Maybe he did partake in risky behavior EVERY NOW and THEN.  He had lived his life and it was his time. Contrary to what the pastor led us to believe on Tuesday, Chris IS in heaven. He will be waiting for each and every one of his loved ones when our time comes.

Why does my heart hurt? Chris was like a brother to me. From the adventures in the woods as children, birthday parties, Thanksgiving dinners, graduations, decorating Granny Doris' Christmas tree, Christmas dinners, late night trips to Krystals, teaching me to put black olives on my finger tips, evenings on the porch at Casa, rides in the black Jeep with big wheels, country cruisin', nights at Jacks that led to late nights at Starlite, finding him at the Block Party, searching for him at Bonnaroo, crying to him when someone broke my heart, receiving random phone calls at all hours of the night, getting "Where u at?" text messages at the most random times, avoiding dirty girls in Jacks, listening to him talk smack about me not being a fan of a "real football team", calling him when something was wrong with my car... the list goes on. I followed Chris around from the time I could walk until now.  He may not have always followed the rules, but he sure was a happy fella the 29 years he was here.  My heart hurts because I've lost my big brother. I've lost a part of me... but I find comfort in knowing he is still with me each and every day until we meet again.

Why did he decide to drive early Saturday morning? Who knows! I'm sure even if someone told him he shouldn't drive, he would've probably done it anyway. It has taken me almost 4 days to get over the fact that there was nothing I could've done. I can't get down on myself and wish I had called him back Friday night. Maybe if I had gone out that night, he wouldn't have lost his phone and maybe he wouldn't have felt the need to drive? I can't beat myself up with the what ifs. 

Why did that man feel the need to make an example of Chris? Before I go too far into this, let me just say... this is MY blog, which contains MY thoughts. If anyone reading this was at the funeral Tuesday and he or she feels the pastor did a fantastic job, please stop reading now.  I WILL offend you...and I DON'T care if I do.  I am part of the FAMILY who he kept referencing, and I DID NOT appreciate the bashing of my cousin.  Sure, he drank on the weekends. Was it out of control? Not compared to what it may have been in previous years. Did we need to be reminded over and over and over that Chris made a bad decision Saturday morning? No. We got the point. Thirty-five minutes after he said "Chris had a problem with alcohol and driving", that man finally shut his mouth.  Unfortunately, during his after school special lecture on drinking and driving and the numerous stabs at Chris' "lifestyle", he failed to mention how awesome Chris was. How he would do anything for anybody no matter what time it was. He always had a smile on his face and a can of dip in his pocket.  He loved his family. He loved his friends. He loved Tennessee football. He loved his job.  He always managed to make people laugh no matter the circumstances. There is no telling how many times he got me in trouble in church or at family dinners because he would make me laugh uncontrollably. He quoted movies all of the time. He was a happy fella.  He was a huge fan of Eastbound and Down. He didn't have a worry in the world.  Alcohol was NOT part of his daily life.


I left that funeral feeling like I had been cheated. Aren't funerals supposed to make the family feel comforted? Aren't you supposed to leave there feeling some sort of closure? I walked out of that funeral home feeling hurt, embarrassed, and ANGRY.   I was hurt because I felt like that was not the funeral my sweet, loving cousin deserved.  I was embarrassed because that so-called spokesman for God kept saying "the family" asked him to speak on the subject. Umm... THE FAMILY did not request for that man to bash Chris in front of his close friends and family. It is that simple.  I most defiantly did not feel any sort of closure when I left there. I felt like we should've pushed him off the stage and sent him home on the horse he rode in on.  As some know, I made Chris proud on Tuesday. I made sure that man knew how displeased I was with his "sermon" or lack thereof.

Oh well. It is over. There is nothing we can do about it now; however, I do hope that man knows how hurt and upset THE FAMILY was.

What has Chris taught me?

Life is so short. Live each day to the fullest.
Live like there is no tomorrow.
If you love someone, tell them.
Never assume you will have a second chance.


Until next time.....

My Broken Heart

"The angels are always near to those who are grieving, to whisper to them that their loved ones are safe in the hand of God."

I told myself I would not blog until the end of the week. Oh well. I've caught myself several times wishing I could just write a book on Chris' wall. I have posted twice on his page, but it doesn't seem to ease my pain at all.

I laid on the couch this morning -his couch that he let me "borrow"- and cried and cried and cried. There is so much I wish I could say to him right now. I know he is listening, but it just isn't the same. I want to hear that laugh. I want to see that smile. I want to give him a hug and tell him how much I love him because I don't feel like he knew just HOW MUCH I really do love him. I want to walk onto the patio at Casa and see that big fella sitting there waiting for me. I want this empty feeling to go away. I want my big brother back. I have so much to say to him. Life will just not be the same without him. This afternoon I stood in the front door of my parents' house waiting for the rest of the family to arrive for dinner, and it just broke my heart as I realized that blue Corolla would not be rolling into the driveway. Chris would not be getting out of his car in a wrinkly shirt. He wouldn't come walking up the sidewalk this time... We are all gathering to eat dinner for him, not with him.

I guess I was in shock yesterday for most of the day. It didn't fully sink in until I got in my car last night and drove back to Shelbyville. It seemed so unreal. When I got the phone call yesterday morning, I felt as if my heart stopped right before it shattered into a million pieces. It just didn't make sense. I couldn't figure out why I couldn't cry. Chris and I were so close. Why couldn't I cry?!? I curled up into a ball and kept telling myself this isn't really happening. Chris can't be gone. This can't be happening. Not now. The tears finally came when I had to say it out loud to my boyfriend. . . "My cousin, Chris, got killed in a car wreck this morning." The tears have flowed since that moment.

I find comfort in knowing I now have 2 angels in heaven looking down on me.  Our Papa has been gone for 7 and a half years almost. I have no doubt in my mind that Papa held his hand out early yesterday morning and welcomed Chris home. . . I'm sure Papa gave him a hug.  I'm sure they are both sitting up there right now looking down on me losing my mind and talking about how overly dramatic I can be about things.

I also find comfort in knowing my tiny small town has wrapped its arms around us. I am just in awe. The outpouring of love, support, kind words, acts of kindness, etc. They all mean the world to us. My mom and I stopped at Dollar General yesterday morning and were stopped by at least 4 people who told us they were thinking about us.  Only in Lynchburg, TN can you walk into a store and have something like that happen to you. Only in a small town.

I'm trying so hard to be strong and not fall apart, but at this point I find it difficult to do so. 

I miss you so much, Chris. Life will not be the same without you... ever. I love you so much!!

Good Things Come to Those Who Wait..

As corny as it may sound... it is true. Good things do come to those who wait.


I've sat patiently waiting for Gavin to adjust to this mess he is living through. I must say, for a 7 year old, he is a strong little fella. The last 10 months have been anything BUT easy.  We've cried. He has claimed he hates me. I've wondered if I should have "tough'ed it out" a little while longer, he's demanded not to go with me without his daddy... etc.  We are finally at a point where he understands his schedule and is ok with it. Prayers have been answered, and I can now sleep at night knowing I have not totally screwed him up.

Now I have a new battle though. I won't elaborate because I know there are people out there who are waiting for me come unglued in a blog so they can print it off and mail copies to my ex husband.  It doesn't matter how many times I clean up the "friends" list on Facebook, there's always someone out there who feels like Micah needs to know every move I make.  Oddly enough, I could really care less what is on his page. I will admit, I used to log in as a mutual friend and scope out the latest news, but I no longer care. As long as Gavin isn't being harmed, it doesn't matter to me what he does. That's kind of the point of that whole divorce thing, ya know? Separate lives.

Moving along....

Yes. I'm in a relationship. Unlike past endeavors, I didn't rush into this. It wasn't a spur of the moment, omg I'm lonely & need someone kind of thing.  I've known him for several months actually.  We met through some friends a while back. We had hung out on a few occasions with a group, and I will admit, I never really thought anything of it. He was a nice guy. I don't usually go for the nice guy. There seemed to be something there though, maybe? I didn't act upon it because I'm the prissy girl who had her mind made up she knew what her type was. He didn't really fall under that type description.  After a few Mexican meals with friends, texting throughout the day, a few dumb blonde moments, burnt hot dogs, and a trip to Zanies... it was clear we liked each other and there was definatly something there. 

I was still resisting though. I was fresh off a rushed relationship gone bad. I was not ready to jump into anything. I wanted to go on awkward first dates and spill a drink or whatever. (If you don't know what I'm talking about...see my previous blog.) I did the whole *meet someone online thing*. That actually wasn't that bad until I came across that one guy who had me convinced meeting someone online isn't exactly safe OR a good idea.  I gave up on the online thing shortly after my encounter with that guy. Let's just say I learned an important lesson. Unfortunately I had to learn that lesson the hard way.

After a weekend filled with interesting VIP rules at Barefoot Bay, a zoo trip, and him listening to me vent about all of the things that make me mad... it was clear we needed to have a little chat about what we were doing.  The next day, I beat around the bush and apparently confused the heck out of him, but I finally got the point across.  I wanted to know what we were doing! What is going on here?  I asked him what his thoughts were, and he replied with, "Well its kinda like this... I think you should be my girlfriend." I'm not sure why it took me so long to respond to that message. Maybe I needed to wipe the ridiculous grin off of my face first? Or maybe I was slightly in shock that he came right out and said that? Either way... I eventually admitted that I liked his idea. 


So here we are... 4 days into this. I'm myself. I'm happy. I'm having a freakin' blast! I have cuts from walking through a briar patch and a knot on my head from where he drove the 4 wheeler under a tree limb & I didn't duck far enough.  I haven't laughed nearly this much in a long time. I find comfort in knowing I didn't rush myself into this.  I thought long and hard about this. I didn't push for it either... It just happened when I least expected it.

Until next time...

Oh Hi.

I guess I should brush off the dust on this thing, huh?

I haven't blogged in a while. I would like to blame my lack of blogging on being busy, but we all know that isn't the case. I just haven't been in the right mood I guess.

Wow. A lot has changed since my last blog... A LOT!  I came down off of cloud nine and got smacked in the face by reality. That smack in the face lead to me ending my first post-divorce relationship. As with every other relationship, I left a little bit of myself behind, took a little bit of him with me, and learned a lot about myself.  He will make a woman very happy one day. Unfortunately, we were just not at the same point in our lives and it just didn't work.

My relationship with Gavin is AMAZING now. I wish I could bottle up the feeling I have when he is with me.  He is now the most loving little boy... just like he was when he was a little tot.  This may sound cheesy, but I now refuse to go to Wal Mart unless Gavin is with me. I absolutely LOVE going to Wal Mart with him. He pushes the buggy for me and helps me shop. Grocery shopping doesn't seem like a chore when Gavin is with me. He even helps put away the groceries when we get home!  He hasn't quite figured everything out yet. I did have trouble finding my Cliff Bars on Tuesday. He had put them in the canned food cabinet. When I asked him about it, he responded with, "I couldn't reach any higher in the other cabinet."  How precious. He is on Spring Break all next week, and I cannot wait to spend three solid days with him!!!

I have learned the definition of TRUE friends.  I'm not going to elaborate on this one. I'm not a 16 year old who is trying to get my revenge.  I'm a 25 year old adult who hates conflict and confrontation; however, if the right buttons are pushed, I do not sit back and allow others to run over me. I have proven this in the last few weeks. Never trust someone who openly talks about and / or bashes others in front of you because they are probably openly talking about and / or bashing you behind your back. I learned this lesson in high school, but as an adult, I didn't realize girls (yes GIRLS) were still so evil.

I'm still trying to figure out this whole "single" thing .  Some days I feel so excited to not have to be somewhere to see someone. . . but then there is that occasional day when I just wish I had someone to talk to or look forward to seeing after a long, stressful day at work. Most of my friends have someone, and sometimes I feel like I'm crashing their party by being around.  Like I said, I have those days on OCCASION. It isn't an everyday thing. I guess it has only happened twice in the last 3 months. Yes. I was in a relationship for part of that time, but it was a long distance, "I'm busy tonight" relationship.  There was still that one piece of the puzzle missing. 

I'm in no hurry to finish my Kari puzzle.  Heck. Let's just scramble the thing and start over! Isn't that what this is all about anyway? A fresh start? I feel like I need to go on a few awkward first dates with sweaty palms. Maybe even accidentally spill my drink or something? This is only the beginning.

Until next time...

Wow.

O.M.GEEZ.

I'm wide awake. I've been awake for 20 hours straight. Yes. Do the math. I have been awake since 2am this morning. I'm not even sleepy. I honestly had the urge to run this evening after work... alone...through the neighborhoods surrounding my apartment complex. Thank God I didn't.

I like to think I did enough research about this place before I signed my name on that stupid lease, but clearly I did not. In case you haven't figured it out, I don't exactly live in the safest, most friendly area of Shelbyville. Granted there are worse areas, but there are MOST defiantly safer (err...as safe as Shelbyville can get) areas. 

My fear began several months ago when I noticed every morning when I ran this gentleman was always standing beside his mailbox.  He would always wave to me and tell me good morning. At first I saw this as "oh what a friendly little guy"!  Friendly slowly became creepy...  I started changing up my route. I wouldn't run past his house every morning, or I would run a little later or a little earlier than normal.  He was always out there by his mailbox. It almost felt like he was waiting for me or something. I would joke with the guy I was dating at the time and say "if you don't hear from me one day, please check the bushes surrounding my apartment complex. That fella will probably hide me there."  In a way I was joking but deep down it really bothered me... so I quit running in my neighborhood for a while. It was getting colder, so I felt my break from running the streets of Shelbyville was justified.

In the dead of winter, I found myself MISSING running. I missed the sore legs. I missed the feeling of being in the zone and accomplishing goals. I was pissed at myself and even more pissed at the fact I am pretty much forced to live in this apartment complex since the "nicer" complexes are income based. According to their formulas and figures... I make too much money to live in the nicer part of town. Does this make sense to anyone?? 

Moving forward.. a few weeks ago I got up the courage to run in the mornings.  At 5am it isn't quite daylight yet, so I made sure I wore my spiffy, not so sexy reflective runners' vest so the small handful of cars on the road that early could see me.  Morning #1 went great. I squeeze 1.5 miles out in 19 degree weather.  Morning #2 did not go so well. Some sorry individual felt it necessary to throw  his large Sonic cup out the passenger side window of his Dodge Ram pickup. Did I mention he threw it at ME?  I was furious. I was so pissed. I ran home and swore I would write the nastiest letter to the newspaper.

I never wrote that letter by the way...

Mornings #3-6ish I never made it out of the parking lot.  I would wake up before the sun, get dressed, stretch, go outside, and a feeling of fear and uneasiness would come over me within 2 minutes.  I didn't feel safe.