Worry Not

I'm a worrier. Surprise. Surprise, right? 
Last night in my Ladies' Prayer Group, we discussed the topic of worry and how God has called us NOT to worry. After reading through Matthew 6:25-34, I felt a slight sense of guilt. I feel like since becoming a mother almost 13 years ago, I have worried more. As the years have gone by, my worries have evolved and shifted. In the beginning I was worried I would not be a good enough mother to Gavin. As he got older, I worried for his safety. Now I worry about the world all three of my children are growing up in. I worry about if I'm teaching Gavin the things he will need to know when he moves out on his own one day. 

We are called NOT to worry though. So why do I worry about my children so much? Last night, I mentioned Ryker and his lack of fear. Ryker doesn't worry about anything. He will climb on top of an end table or try to jump off of the couch. He runs as fast as he can through all of the toys in the living room with no fear of falling. Ryker does not worry. Ryker is a child... a child who knows no matter what happens, Mommy or Daddy will kiss his boo-boo and "fix it". This is what God wants us to understand! There is no reason for us to worry. He will be there. He has it under control. "Can any one of [us] add a single hour to [our] lives by worrying?' (Matt 6:27). No. The key is to have faith that God is in control of a situation. 

In Matthew 6:34, we are called to "not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." What do we accomplish by worrying about tomorrow? Personally, I accomplish absolutely nothing. It is a waste of my precious time for me to worry about things I have absolutely no control over. I still find myself worrying though.  

It is no surprise I feel stretched very thin from time to time. Between keeping up with the twins, maintaining a household, being a wife, and co-parenting a preteen I wear many hats and have many important jobs. Right now, my heart is so consumed by my worry for Gavin and our relationship. He is at an age where I have to start letting go and allowing him to fail on his own. I cannot hover as much as I have in the past. If I want him to grow into a responsible adult, I have to start letting go. I have tried so hard to just cover him in prayer for the last few months. It might just be a phase, but I honestly feel like I'm losing him. I feel like my time with him is so so precious; however, he is at the age where he can decide what he wants to do (within reason). I worry he will resent me one day. I worry he and I will not have a very close relationship. I worry he will decide he wants to live with his dad permanently.

This week, I am praying for God to just take those worries away. I pray He will help me face the challenges I have ahead of me as I try to co-parent Gavin. I pray He will give me the strength and understanding to accept the things I have no control over. 
Amen. 

Toddler Time & Snow Storm 2016

As many of you already know, Tennessee (and the rest of the East) was hit with a snow storm. I originally thought it would be so much fun to be "snowed in" with all three kiddos, but that thought was short lived. It was very, very short lived. We were not officially "snowed in" until Saturday. Gavin's dad got into town a little earlier on Friday than he had originally expected, so Trey ended up getting out and driving on the yucky, icy mess to take Gavin home. Trey LOVES driving in the snow. Me? Eh. Not so much. Trey did manage to make it home safely so I ended up snowed in with Trey, Ryker, and Averlee sans Gavin. 

On Saturday, I convinced Trey we should take R&A out to play in the snow. I had dreams of Ryker throwing snow balls, rolling in the snow, and giggling at how much fun he was having. I imagined Averlee would enjoy sledding and tossing snow in the air. In reality though...Ryker and Averlee hated the snow. They equally hated being bundled up, wearing gloves, and not being able to walk in the 4 inches of snow. As soon as we put Ryker down, he face planted into a pile of snow. Averlee fell over and couldn't get up, so she joined in on the snow hating too. Basically we spent 15 minutes bundling everyone up. We spent 5 minutes in the snow. We made a huge mess in the laundry room with all of our boots and wet clothes. I have high hopes next year will be better. One can dream, right? 

Toddlers

If there is one thing I wasn't prepared for, it is this : TWO BABIES LEARNING TO WALK AT THE SAME TIME. They don't walk in the same direction. They don't walk the same speed. They defiantly do not want to hold my hand as I lead them away from whatever they are currently trying to destroy play with.  Obviously I knew they would sprout some confidence and take off one day, but I didn't realize I would blink and that day would be here so quickly. It is here though. 

They are also starting to talk. Of course 90% of the time I'm the only person who knows what they are trying to say. The other 10% of the time I think they are talking in their odd twin lingo. Ryker loves to say "ba" for ball. He says "tak-ku" for thank you, and "mik" for milk. Averlee talks about "cat", "bite", and "momma" on the regular. 

We have almost made the full transition to table foods. Almost. I have a lazy day from time to time where I will sneak them some baby food because I can barely even think straight. For the most part, they get their fruits, veggies, dairy, protein, and occasional sweet treats in. It's a win for everyone! 

When I Wasn't Looking

                           

Averlee took her first unassisted steps last night. She stood up, put her hands in the air, grinned ear to ear, and took her wobbly first steps. It was beautiful. It made me tear up. I was so very proud of her! 

I've never been one to make New Year Resolutions, but in an effort to organize my life and manage my anxiety, I decided this might be the year to make a few resolutions. One is to work on my own health and fitness (typical resolution... *blah blah*). The other is to live more in the moment and not let myself get caught up in the stress. 

I wouldn't say I've taken my time at home with the twins for granted, but I will say I've had a hard time shutting off my "working mommy" brain. I began working when I was 17 shortly after I discovered I would become a mom. I was in college and working until Gavin was 4 years old. Then, I began working full time. Those pay checks were so nice, but I was missing out on so much. I missed school functions. I was late for ballgames. I didn't get to help him with homework or stay home with him when he was sick. I felt so much guilt for missing out and not being present as a mother. I was doing what I had to do to pay off my student loans and save for his college though. I was doing my best. 

When Trey and I got married, I quit my great paying job so I could transition into a less demanding work schedule closer to home. No more hour commute. No more business trips out of town. No more meeting clients or co-workers to discuss business over dinner and drinks. It felt like a great move for our family and future kid(s). 

The moment Trey and I decided we wanted to have a child, we also decided it would be best for me to say home with him or her. As you know, it took us longer than we had planned to have a child. This made staying home even more important to me. I didn't want to miss out on all of the firsts! When we found out we were expecting twins, there was no question I would need to stay home! Daycare for two infants would be my entire paycheck! So the decision was easy... I would be a stay at home mom. Easy right? 

I love staying home with my twins and having the freedom to be there for Gavin when he has a school or sports event..... BUT.... For several months I struggled with not feeling like I had a purpose. I felt like a good day was defined by me taking a shower AND washing my hair. I constantly had family telling me I needed to "get away" from my kids and go do something else for a day each week. I felt like I wasn't making a difference. Sure. My kids were happy and healthy, but I always had someone chirping in my ear about things I "should do" or pushing me to leave my kids a few days a week. I felt like I wasn't a good enough stay at home mom. 

It is also important for me to note... I struggled silently with postpartum depression and anxiety for 10 months. I kick myself daily for not reaching out to my doctor for help sooner, but it is what it is. Honestly, it robbed me of a lot of joy. I reached a point where I wanted to completely isolate myself because being around others stressed me out. I'm doing much better now thanks to support from my doctor, friends, my mom, and my husband. 

So for 2016, I'm wiping my slate clean. I'm doing what I need to do to grow my relationship with my husband. I'm working on living in the moment and not worrying about what others around me think I should be doing. I spent so much of the twins first year feeling like I had to prove something. I felt so much pressure from others for me to go against what I was comfortable with. I felt like I had to prove that I COULD do this since I had so many people tell me I wouldn't be able to handle the twins by myself each day. I can. I plan to live in today and handle what is thrown at me... And enjoy each moment. This is MY job. I have 3 kiddos who depend on me, love me, and NEED me. I don't have to prove anything. I'm good enough. I'm doing the best I can. I'm loving my life and enjoying each day. This life is pretty amazing. Hectic and amazing. 

Twin Adventures - 13 Month Installment

Ryker and Averlee are 13 months old today! Do people say that? Or is it safe for me to just say, "They are 1" and leave it at that? Eh. They are 13 months. I must say, this is a FUN age, but it has also been a challenging age!

13 Months Old and dressed for church

Ryker is training for his first baby marathon I believe. He has two speeds. Sleeping and Running. There is nothing in between. He's either knocked out or he's running full speed ahead. He's still eating anything and everything we put in front of him. He has a total of 6 teeth (2 bottom and 4 top). He moved into his own room two nights ago. He loves to play with a ball, his bulldozer, his big brother, and his puppy, Harper. 

Never a dull moment with Ryker. He's quite busy! 

Averlee is still trying to decide if she wants to walk soon or not. I'm completely ok with her crawling for a little while longer since it is easier for me to chase Ryker if I'm carrying her versus chasing them both. I have a feeling she is about to take off though. She is such a picky eater! We still have to give her jar baby food from time to time because she refuses to cooperate when it comes to eating table foods sometimes. Typical girl. She loves to play with her tea pot, tea cups, and baby doll. She has even decided she can tolerate a small bow in her hair from time to time. *Score!* Averlee has 5 teeth (2 bottom and 3 top). 

Group photo...fail. 

As for me... I'm surviving. I've learned to just roll with the punches. There will be a day when I will be caught up on laundry. I will shower daily. My hair will not be in a messy bun. I will be able to read a book. I will have complete conversations with fellow adults. That day will not be today though. or tomorrow. or anytime in the next 4 years. I've learned WHEN to wave my little white flag and call my mom. I've allowed myself to admit when I need a break and it is completely ok for me to say, "I need a minute or 60 to myself". I went through a time where I felt so guilty for wanting some time by myself, but I now have no problem telling my husband he needs to handle things for a little while so I can take a breather. 

This is an adventure for sure. It is challenging. It is exhausting at times. It is rewarding. It is literally a dream come true. 

Holding Hope Close to Your Heart

"Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think." Ephesians 3:20 

Today as I was doing a little reading,  *Yes. I had a moment to read while I was drinking my coffee!* I came across a quote I had highlighted in a book a few years ago. "You are not lost to God. He sees your struggle, He knows your heartache, and He longs to bless the seed of hope He planted in your heart." The author of the book goes on to say, "You are already pregnant with hope. That hope is a gift from the God who loves you and who longs to bless you beyond what you can ask or imagine."  (quote from Pregnant With Hope: Good News For Infertile Couples)

In the middle of our infertility journey, I probably read this quote through squinted, tear-filled eyes. I knew in my mind this was true, but I was having such a hard time holding onto this truth in my heart. It is hard to see outside of the tiny infertility box sometimes. Your vision gets a little cloudy and your heart becomes guarded. You try not to become too hopeful because it hurts. It was hard for me to see beyond the heartache. I even reached a point where I just didn't know HOW to pray anymore. I felt like I had given God everything, but really I was still struggling to stay hopeful month after month. I'm not an expert, but I feel like it is safe to say this is common among the couples who struggle with infertility. Am I right? 

I'm on the other side of this now. In April of 2014, our infertility journey became a pregnancy journey. I now have twins who turned one last week. As I read through my journals and blog posts from our journey, I can still feel the pain in my words. The heartache and loss of hope are too familiar to me. I can look back on it now and see how that time in my life was falling apart so God could mold something much bigger than I had ever imagined. I see that NOW, but two years ago I couldn't see that. I knew what I needed to believe. I knew where I needed to place my hope, but in the middle of our journey, I struggled tremendously with holding hope in my heart. 

If you are struggling with holding hope in your heart, you are not alone. My prayer is that your vision will become clearer, your heart will become open, and you will receive the comfort and strength you need during this trying time in your life. 

Hugs to all of you. 

R&A Are One

Today we celebrate the birth of the two babies I was told I would never have. I am sitting in my kitchen drinking my second cup of coffee as I listen to R&A snore (thanks to some nasty colds) over the baby monitor. Even though they've physically been in my arms every day for the last year, I still cannot believe these two little lives are MINE. I cannot believe that shy, curly-headed, country boy I met five years ago is now my husband, and we are raising these two little humans together. I cannot believe I'm the mother of a middle school aged child. Is this real?! 

This morning, I sang "Happy Birthday" to each of my babies. They ate breakfast together, drank their juice (their very very watered down juice), and I told them the story of the day they were born. Every year I tell Gavin the story of the day he was born, so I guess this is just one of my weird mom traditions? Maybe so. Needless to say, R&A were not thrilled with their birth story. Ha. I have high hopes they will enjoy the story when they are older. 

After we wrapped up the mushy birth story phase of the celebration, I took them out of their high chairs and just watched them play together. I'm so grateful I have been here for them everyday since the day they were born. I've witnessed all of their firsts, kissed their boo-boos, and filled their tummies. I've held them when they were sick. I've rocked them when they couldn't sleep. I've laughed with them to the point of tears. This year has been hard, stressful, and a complete whirlwind. There are parts I would be okay with never revisiting. There are other parts I wish I could relive every single day of my life. With that being said, I'm forever grateful. This is all I ever hoped and dreamed of... and more. 

Happy Birthday, Ryker and Averlee. Mommy loves you! 

If you missed their birth story, you can find Part 1 here. and Part 2 here.

Breathing Through the Chaos

Life Lately

The last few weeks I've said numerous times, "It isn't rainbows, sunshine, and unicorns at my house." Contrary to what some may believe, I do not have it all together. I hired someone to clean my house every other week because I was overwhelmed by the amount of hair balls and dust bunnies in my house. Now, my house is clean for a few hours after my cleaning angel leaves every other week. Before I can even marvel at the sparkling kitchen floor, the cat will throw up or one of the kids will spill something. It never fails. This is life and that's ok. 

I have dabbled in the bandwagon that is running (or trying to run in my case) a business online. It seems everything I learned in college and all of the sales training I had when I actually worked in an office setting are no match for the social media world. Occasionally I'll have some time and a surge of great ideas will flood my mind. I've focused on trying to drive a wedge and set myself apart from others, but let's face it... My sales experience and knowledge of products means nothing when it comes to this stuff. Everyone is selling something these days....EVERYONE. In the last couple of weeks, I've made myself unplug and be less available via social media. I learned it doesn't pay off for me to be so present. I've talked to people, followed up, and invited. I've answered messages and emails within minutes. It doesn't matter though. My heart just isn't in it anymore. It is exhausting scheduling posts, setting up ads (for Facebook to deny by the way), and maintaining a presence just for people to say "oh I didn't know you sold that!". I'm not a pushy sales person. That's not how I was taught to sell. So in the last week or so I have stepped back so I can reevaluate my purpose as far as my business goes. In the end, I feel God will lead me to do something else. I honestly feel the tug from Him each day for me to hang it up. I just can't seem to make myself let go though. I want to help people. I feel like God is wanting to use me in a way where I can do just that, but overwhelming myself with social media posts, accountability groups, [dramatic] competition, and deviating from everything I ever learned about sales just doesn't seem like my calling. at. all. Stay tuned. 

Finally. The twins will be ONE on Thursday. I've been wrapped in this wonderful chaos for almost an entire year. I have survived... somewhat. There have been days where I have cried and convinced myself I cannot do this. There have been days when I felt like superwoman and wanted to take on the world with my twins in tow. I've prayed daily for God to just give me the patience and strength I need to be the mom He wants me to be to my 3 precious children. At the end of the day, I know this is what I've always wanted. I know this is the life I hoped and dreamed of for so long. I am a mother. I am a mother to twins who are into everything, refuse to nap at the same time, and put everything in their mouths except for their food. I have a 12 year old who tries my patience. He stays so busy with sports. It is hard for me keep up sometimes. He won't eat his veggies and drinks way too much sweet tea. I am a mother. I am a mother who doesn't shower everyday. My hair is rarely ever fixed. I've learned it's ok to go out in public without a full face of makeup on. Yoga leggings, Under Armor shirts, and Nikes are my daily uniform. I love it, but at the same time I feel so overwhelmed sometimes. My hands are full just like my heart. I'm exhausted, but I'm so blessed. I feel like I'm so unworthy of this life. 

Last but not least...  
I think I'm ready to be a blogger again. I'm not sure what direction I will go in yet, but I think I need this blog as an outlet and as a place to leave my thoughts. More to come on that later... 

I'll leave you with this picture...