HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO TREY!!

My super awesome husband celebrates his 29th birthday today! So HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO TREY! To celebrate, he traveled to Nashville this evening to give them a blood sample for a genetic screening test. He did not act very thrilled about having to do such on his birthday, but I told him maybe next year he will get a set of twin daughters for his birthday! **See. I'm finding the silver lining in this FOR him!** 

In all seriousness, I'm really excited about our 29th year. It is our last year in our twenties and possibly the year we will welcome Little Baby Bell. We plan to make the most of it! 

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It is Monday. I have looked back at my blog from January 21st several times today. If you missed that blog, you can read it here.  Wow. I was so excited, happy, and HOPEFUL. Today those feelings feel so distant even though it was only a mere six days ago. Maybe it's the hormones? Maybe it's my desire to send my Follistim back to the clinic since it won't be put to use for a while? It just blows my mind how excited and hopeful we were last week, but here we are feeling like every ounce of our hope has been drained from our beings with each phone call from NFC.

**I'm still adjusting to the concept of talking to the nurse more than the doctor. This is totally foreign to me considering I spent 8 months under Dr. Williams' care. Dr. Williams would call me on his way home from the office sometimes just to give me a pep talk!**

It began with a call on Friday from my sweet nurse. She was playing messenger for the doctor. Our new doctor is strongly encouraging us to do a few more genetic blood tests before we start a cycle. Lets back track a little first. Apparently it is common practice for couples to undergo genetic screening prior to beginning a cycle with a fertility clinic. Correct me if I'm wrong. If you are reading this and you have no clue what a genetic screening test is, be thankful. They are stupid. I realize they offer wonderful information but to our bank account and my patience, they are just stupid. A few weeks later Trey and I received our results. I'm a carrier for Cystic Fibrosis. Trey is not. I took a few biology classes in high school. I know how to do a pedigree chart. I sketched one out in my handy dandy infertility notebook. I wasn't alarmed by the results. It was kinda nice to know so I could share it with my family, but I wasn't too alarmed. Trey wasn't a carrier. All is right in the world, right? Umm... Apparently not. A few days later the clinic called and suggested we complete genetic counseling so we can understand our results and decide if we wanted to proceed with fertility treatment. As I said before, I wasn't too alarmed. There was never a part of me that wanted to drop everything and give up on having a baby with Trey after seeing the results. So we did as we were told. We talked to the genetic counselor. She also didn't think the results were alarming. She explained the odds. She explained what Cystic Fibrosis is and how it is typically treated. She explained it all very well and answered any questions we had. We felt GREAT after speaking with the counselor! Go Team Go! About a week later the clinic called again to inform me that we needed to do some more blood work before we proceed. Fast forward to last Friday. On Friday my nurse told me they were still trying to get the pre-certs to insurance for the additional testing. I was confused. She did go ahead and tell me that the doctor is strongly encouraging us to do the further testing, but they clearly cannot force us to do the testing. She advised me that she has seen the tests run anywhere from $1,500- $3,000. She said we need to be comfortable with our decision to proceed with testing. Great. 

Today I received a call from the finance department at NFC. They told me they are sending a letter of medical necessity for the testing to our insurance. She went over our coverage and told me our out of pocket expense would be $1,870. Fabulous [insert sarcasm]. I was super excited last week to find out we could get our meds at 75% off the original price. I guess those savings on the meds can now go towards this test. Sigh. We haven't even begun a cycle yet and we are already looking at spending $2,500 on testing and meds just to get ready for a cycle! 

I have to find the humor in this. Hopefully we will still have money left after this is all over so we can actually clothe and feed our babies. 

Name of the Game: Hurry & Wait.

Welcome to the wonderful world of fertility treatment where we rush to get things all nice and in order only to find out we're out this cycle...and even the next cycle. I'm sure my fellow bloggers out there know the feeling I'm referring to. That feeling of, "Oh this is it! This is the cycle that will change everything!" only to get a call from your nurse saying, "We need to do some further testing before we proceed." or "You have a giant cyst on your ovary. We will have to wait until next cycle." 

I seriously almost emailed the pharmacy today to tell them to go ahead and send the rest of my medicine so I will have everything ready for the beginning of my cycle. It is a good thing I got distracted in the middle of that email though! Just a few minutes ago my nurse called to break the news to me that we are out this cycle because my doctor is strongly  encouraging us to do a few more blood tests to rule out some genetic stuff.  I'm a planner. I like to have everything all nice and ready. I like to have all of my ducks in a row and whatnot. Maybe that is a flaw? Maybe it is called being a perfectionist? Maybe I'm just crazy? Regardless, I have meds in my fridge beside my gallon of milk and an injection pen ready for action. I've never been so ready for AF (aunt flo..a.k.a my period) to show up. Like, it cannot get here fast enough. Now it is just another period though. The next one will be just another period as well. Considering I go anywhere from 27-50 days between cycles, there's a chance I'll have meds chillin beside my milk for the next 6 months. I'm serious. It may be a while. I mean we've waited a year and a half to get pregnant. What's another 6 months, right?

So now we wait...some more.  

We're Totally Kicking Some Knees!

I wish it was acceptable for me to jump up and down or run circles around the block right now. 

GOD. IS. GREAT. 

I should probably preface this with a confession. We have been patients at Nashville Fertility Clinic since November. There. I said it.  We have kept it a secret, but in the past week I had a fall apart and needed some extra prayers sent up on my behalf. As a result, I had to admit what we had been keeping quiet for the past two months. Don't ask questions. I'm not fully ready to discuss every aspect of our treatment with NFC yet. *Key phrase: I'M NOT READY TO DISCUSS IT. PLEASE DON'T ASK...YET.*

Shew. Now that we've addressed that, let's move on to the cause of my sudden desire to jump up and down! Shall we? I didn't make a New Year's Resolution this year; however, I did completely surrender every negative, irrational thought to God. I quit "preparing myself" for things to go wrong. Instead I started looking for the silver lining in every test result, diagnosis, and bump in the road. I'm believing things are about to get better! I had a nice, long chat with God on January 1st. My husband and I were so hesitant about where to go from here. I was more hesitant than him since I'm clearly the weakest link in this crazy journey... so we turned everything over to God. We asked Him to lead us wherever we needed to go. Personally I prayed for God to show me a sign that this was what we needed to do. I laid out all of my worries, all of my hesitations, everything. I laid it all out there. I told God I was scared. I told God I needed some sort of a sign.  

On January 16th, as I started my car, I cried the happiest tears ever. I had peace. I had relief. I had a new attitude. I'm about to kick infertility in the knee. I refuse to let infertility define me or consume my being. God has put his fingerprints on everything. Every phone call I receive, every piece of good news, every sweet call from my nurse.... it is God. He's a sneaky fella sometimes, but I know He is all over this! Piece by piece everything is falling into place. He has taken my three biggest hesitations and worries and shown me, "Yes Kari, in fact you can do this!" AHHHH.... I want to cry as I type those words. Yes. I can do this! 

Ohhhhh infertility isn't going to know what hit it when I get through! I am believing our miracle(s) is/are coming soon! I can just feel it. I know God has this completely under control.  He is putting the pieces to this beautiful puzzle together just the way He sees fit. It's a beautiful thing! 


Stay tuned. . .  

Baby's First Gift

I had the pleasure of attending a baby shower over the weekend honoring a friend and former co-worker. It was so good to see her and celebrate her precious little boy who will arrive sometime next month! This baby shower was probably the easiest for me because my friend is living proof that doctors  can be wrong, and God is capable of working unimaginable miracles. Seeing her precious belly reminded me that our own miracle is coming soon. We are one day closer. I was filled with hope as I watched her open each gift. Attending her baby shower was truly a blessing. 

For Baby Bell   

Earlier in the week as I was shopping for a baby shower gift, I came across the cutest, softest little stuffed dog. I had already picked out a baby shower gift. I was pretty happy with the gift, so I didn't think I needed to pick up the dog too. I walked away and started looking at the non-baby stuff in the store. As I was walking towards the check out counter, I couldn't stop thinking about that little stuffed dog. I decided to give it one more squeeze before I left. I thought to myself, "Maybe they will still sell these here when we finally get pregnant." I walked away again. As I stood in line behind a lady at the checkout, it finally hit me. I need to buy that little dog for Baby Bell! So I did. I bought a baby shower gift and I bought a gift for our own little miracle. 

I put the little dog in a drawer when I got home. I look forward to the day when we finally get to give it to our child. Maybe it will be one day soon. Maybe we won't have to wait much longer. I know there is reason for all of this. I know God is in complete control and has heard every single one of our desperate prayers. I know one day all of this waiting will be worth it. I have to admit the past few months have become harder, but I find peace in knowing God works miracles each and every day. I refuse to let a doctor's diagnosis stop me from pursuing my dream of having a little Baby Bell. 

2013 Reflections

What a year it was... 

• I made new friends. 
• I strengthened relationships with old friends. 
• We celebrated 1 year of marriage. 
• We went on our first cruise! 
• I became a Sunday School teacher to the most precious 4 and 5 year olds. 
• Gavin played his first season of football...and LOVED it! 
• I learned how to trust in God even through pain and tears. 
• I fell even more in love with my amazing husband. 
• We celebrated Harper's 1st birthday (our precious Shi-tzu puppy). 
• I learned the importance of calling my grandparents as much as I can. 
• My Pa went to heaven. 

The Journey Continues

We have taken an officially unofficial break. 

Oh hello my blogger friends. It seems it has been a while since I've posted anything on here. I would like to take a moment to congratulate each of my fertility-challenged blog followers who have finally experienced their BFP (big fat positive) moments. You each have given me an ounce of hope that I too will finally see two lines or "Pregnant" on one of those sticks I pee on every month. 

We have taken a break. I wouldn't say it is a break from trying. It has just been a break from life. It had become so overwhelming answering questions and receiving the "so have you started your period yet?" "how long until you know if you are pregnant?" text messages, phone calls, etc.  Each time I would have to answer those questions, it was just a reminder that I did not have good news to share. It was also creeping me out that people other than me were counting the days of my cycle. That's just weird. Please don't do that. That being said, I'm not going to tell you what day of my cycle I am on. It really does not matter at this point because I don't ovulate regularly, and I didn't really feel like testing this month. I know I should start my cycle sometime between today and February 1st. That's all I know. I have quit trying to figure out when to expect my cycle. It shows up when it wants. 

So what do I mean by this "break"? Well we aren't telling anyone when we go to the doctor or what the doctor says. I started a BBT (basal body temp) chart for this cycle but stopped after about 10 days because my temps were all over the place. Clearly I wasn't doing something right.  I had an OPK left from two cycles ago. I thought, "what the heck?" and gave it a go this month too. When it gave me a smiley face on day 8 of my cycle, it just made me mad. Day 8? Really? There's no way that is possible! So I threw the rest of the kit in the garbage and went along my merry little way. So now we wait patiently. It is funny to say that. I mean, haven't we been waiting patiently this entire time? Yeah. So Patiently.  

The good news is I have been given a new game plan. The bad news is.... I'm 99% sure my new game plan is going to cause me to (a) lose my job (b) go insane or (c) all of the above. So that's that. 

If you have some extra time in your prayers the next few weeks, please pray for my sanity. I have a strong feeling I will in fact have to resort to the new game plan. I'm anxious. I'm nervous. I'm heartbroken. Please pray for a miracle. Please pray for me to be strong. I've begged my husband before to let me quit. I've begged for him to just let this madness be over and we can travel the world and buy pretty things. I didn't mean any of it, but I still begged. He said we would do whatever we need to do. I know he wants children though, and I know I want to be the Mommy to his children. We will continue to press on. 

I'm at a complete loss right now. It makes my heart sad to think of the women who get to roll around in the sheets with their loving husbands and conceive a beautiful biological child after only trying for two or three months. They make it sound so easy. Why is this so hard to us?!? Why?!? It makes me sad.  I know God has an amazing plan for us. I know his plan is way bigger and way greater than anything I can ever imagine, but right now I'm just sad. I feel like I've been through a lot already and it isn't even over yet.