Here We Go... Again.

God's Timing is Right.... 

On Saturday, November 30, 2013 at around 9:37AM I received the phone call nobody is prepared to receive. My brother was in Murfreesboro (30 minutes from me and an hour from our parents) and had received a phone call from our Mom that our Pa had been found in the parking lot of the Co-op in our hometown of Lynchburg ....unresponsive. Immediately my heart broke as I felt the past 28 and a half years of memories with my grandfather flashing before my eyes. I couldn't even make words to tell my husband we had to get to my dad. All I could say was, "I didn't get to tell him bye. I can't let him go without telling him bye. I have to get to him."  I'm sure my husband was just as panicked as I was since I was not clear at first as to who I was rambling about. After throwing on some clothes that I'm not even sure were clean, I decided to call Mom myself because the anticipation of the next phone call was killing me.  As soon as Mom answered the phone, I knew. She had to tell me anyway, but I knew before she even spoke the words. He was gone. He was suddenly called home by Jesus that Saturday morning after he paid for his gas at the Co-op. 

It all makes sense now. Seriously. It does. If we had become pregnant when we felt we should be pregnant, I would have been toting around a newborn during this stress, mourning, and sadness. I would not have been able to run out the door and drive home entirely too fast if I had a newborn in tow. I would not have been able to sit quietly in my Pa's porch swing and bawl my eyes out. God knew exactly what He was doing. God also didn't want me to experience the loss of my Pa while I was pregnant. The stress, mourning, lack of sleep, lack of appetite, and sadness would not have been healthy for our growing Baby Bell. Once again, God knew exactly what he was doing. 

I would be lying if I told you this is easy. It isn't. Our family has endured so much loss in the past 2 years. First my cousin, Chris at the age of 29 in 2011. My aunt Corine who was like a grandmother to us passed away after a short battle with cancer in July of this year. Now Pa has suddenly passed away. That is A LOT to take in. It is a lot to process. Some days I feel like we are all going to make it. Then, I feel the pain in my heart and am reminded just how hard the next few days, weeks, months, and years are going to be. I know with the love and support of my family, close friends, and even some strangers we will make it through this trying time. 

My Broken Heart

I did three things yesterday I never thought I would do.... 

• Screamed at my husband to let me give up. 
• Reflected on how painful the Holiday season has become in the past 3 years.   
• Deleted my Facebook account. 

Maybe one day I will be able to share what drove me to the point of throwing in the towel.... today is not that day though. 


I just want to thank those who gave me words of encouragement throughout our journey. I suppose I should thank those who drove me to insanity and tears over their insensitive, unfiltered comments too. So thanks to everyone. I appreciate the prayers, thoughts, and hugs. 


The. End. 

Trust in the Lord....

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take."  Proverbs 3:5-6

Over the past week, I have had a lot of time to read. There is absolutely nothing worth watching on TV, and I was bound to a chair or couch for almost four days. Reading became my friend. One book I spent some time with was  When Empty Arms Become a Heavy Burden by Sandra Glahn and William Cutrer, M.D. There was a paragraph that really grabbed me by the collar yesterday. Well, it grabbed me by the neck of my hoodie maybe. Read this and ponder on it a minute....

"Tell God how you feel. So often we lick our wounds, calling friends who will help us bash any insensitive brutes who hurt us. Yet the psalmists express their anger, frustration, and pain to God."

The paragraph goes on to discuss how Hannah cried out to the Lord when the other mother she lived with taunted her while Hannah dealt with her own fertility issues. If you aren't familiar with Hannah, I encourage you to read her story in 1 Samuel. Back to my point... God wants us to bring our anger, frustration, and pain to HIM. God offers a remedy for all of our pain. That remedy is prayer. Fervent prayer. "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." (Phil 4:6-7) 

Can you say, "Wow!"? I'm so guilty of harvesting my feelings on the inside, when really all I have to do is lay it all out there for God. Someone once told me  God would not bless us with a child since I had such a negative, angry attitude. I'm not sure what scripture that person was using to back that statement, but from everything I've studied in the past several months... God wants to know when I'm upset. God wants to know when I'm sad at Him. Yes. I said sad. I've been sad he has blessed others and not us. I have felt like He hasn't heard my prayers. *Stay with me here. I have a point.* I have felt like I was being punished. I have felt like maybe I was unworthy. I have felt like nobody understood. I have hit what I thought was THE BOTTOM only to find out I had not quite reached THE ABSOLUTE BOTTOM yet. Ladies and gentlemen, I have sat in my bathroom floor and held so many negative pregnancy tests as I wept. I didn't cry. I wept to the point I felt like I couldn't breath. I wept to the point I felt too weak to even wipe the tears from my face. This has been hard. This has been a very hard, lonely, challenging journey. How can someone expect me to walk around with a permanent smile on my face as I spout stories of rainbows, sunshine, unicorns and marshmallows when that IS NOT what I'm experiencing? Did God instruct me to put on a fake smile and be tough? No. Did God instruct me to be something I'm not? No. God instructed me to trust in Him. Have I done that? Yes. I've often wondered if He could speed up his plan a smidge, but I've still trusted him. God also instructed me to bring my anger, frustration, and pain to him. Have I done that? Yes. I have brought it to Him over and over and over again.

I've told you all of that to tell you this. You might want to have a seat. This is kind of a big deal. I've been praying over this for several days. I can't think of a better way to share my "ah-ha" moment than through this blog. I. Am. At. Peace. The prayer I said before the nurse inserted my IV last Wednesday sealed the deal. I prayed for God to give me the strength I needed to accept the things I am not able to change. I now accept the fact I cannot conceive nor carry a child at this point. I prayed for God to comfort me. I prayed for God to watch over me. I prayed for God to let his will be done in this journey.

If we are on this journey solely for the purpose of sharing God's message with others and giving others encouragement and hope, that is ok. If we are on this journey so we can help others, that's ok too. If we are not able to conceive our own biological piece of heaven, that is God's will. Maybe He has a bigger and better plan for us. Does this make me sad? No. It humbles me. If I do not give birth to a little Trey Bell child, it is because God has something better in store for us. . . something grander than anything I could ever imagine.  

Tomorrow holds a new beginning. Fasten your seatbelts. 

The Doors Have Opened

Well, if you have not been hiding in a cave the past few days, you've probably figured out I have had some excitement. Let me preface this by saying, I am on pain medication. I hope this post makes sense. Ha. 

On Tuesday I was feeling worse than ever and had a lot of pressure on the left side of my pelvis. Due to the news I received last week, I was a little worried. I called my doctor's office in hopes I would get a prescription for nausea and pain meds. Much to my surprise, Dr. W called back and said, "How much notice do you need to give your office if we need to do surgery?" I went into panic mode. Trey was in Kansas on a hunting trip he had planned for almost a year. I felt like I barely had time to think. I told the doctor that I would be ok if I told my boss that I had to have surgery since she knew I was having problems. He said he would check the schedule for the next day and call me back. My heart sunk. I had never had any type of surgery before other than when I had my wisdom teeth removed. My husband was 13 hours away. I sat on the sidewalk outside of the bank and cried... And prayed... And cried some more. I prayed for God to give me the strength I needed to get through the next 24 hours because I was terrified. 

I was so nervous on Wednesday as I went from the lab to the surgi center, back to the lab, and then to pre-op. During an hour and half surgery, Dr. W removed a cyst the size of an orange from my left ovary, 2 smaller cysts from my right ovary, and some--but not all-- of my endometriosis. It is scary to think how big the left cyst would have been if we had waited until the end of the month to remove it. It had grown 2cm in a week already! I'm blessed to have a doctor who did not want me to wait it out any longer! I do not even want to imagine the level of pain and discomfort I would have been in. He also checked my tubes while he had me opened up. I had specifically prayed for my blocked tube numerous times, so when my mom told me that Dr. W saw flow through both tubes--one slower than the other--it was yet another answered prayer! No more blocked tube!!

So here we are. Trey made it home late Wednesday night and has been a wonderful nurse aside from his urge to constantly be up and doing something. I guess that's ok though. I've been forced to get out of this chair on my own a few times while he is outside or in the shop. It took me a while. It wasn't pretty, but I did get out of the chair on my own! 

Our prayers have been answered. I have put off going to Nashville Fertility for several months. Dr. W originally gave us the option of going to Nashville in August; however, I felt like I wasn't ready to leave him yet, so I insisted we try a few more rounds with him and an IUI. He wasn't ready to give up and we weren't either. Now, Dr. W is pretty confident we will not have to go to Nashville. Praise God!!! 

I know everything we have gone through was just preparing us for the blessings God has in store for us. For that I am truly thankful. I know He did not enjoy watching me suffer and cry, but I know He will rejoice with us when we finally hold our precious child... The child we have fought so hard for the past 14 months! God's timing is perfect. He had to bring us through those dark, miserable days to prepare us for our blessing. 

Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:4

Has Anyone Seen A Lost Stork?

Ok. Where is that stinkin' bird? 

 
  Just a heads up, this has been a ROUGH week. If you came to my page expecting rainbows, sunshine, and happiness today... please come back another time. Today is not the day. I'm upset, CRUSHED, hurt, discouraged, anything BUT pregnant. I have chosen to change the name of my blog and make it public in hopes I can help someone else. I have read SO many infertility blogs in the last month. My heart feels it is time I share my story and not sugar coat it. This journey is filled with tears, joys, and heartbreak. I have cried with strangers in the last month as they have so bravely shared their struggles, heartbreaks, and joys. I want to share our journey. I want to help some lonely woman out there who feels like our journey mirrors her journey. I want people to read our journey and better understand how their words, actions, and prayers impact couples who are on a fertility-challenged journey. 

In the past, I have felt as if I needed to be careful how I shared our journey because I knew I would be vulnerable to criticism. I felt like someone may read my words and think, "Gee. That Kari is so ungrateful for the other blessings in her life." I am in fact NOT ungrateful though. The past 14 months I have prayed harder, loved stronger, and smiled bigger. I'm aware I have so many blessings and positive things in my life. For that I am grateful. That being said, I also long to raise a child with my husband. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Please don't make me feel like I'm an awful person for wanting to do so.

I was so full of hope as this week began. I tried so hard not to let myself get my hopes up too high though. TCB (my hubby) and I had discussed when I should take the home pregnancy test. Since our IUI (intrauterine insemination) was just over a week prior, we knew it was only a matter of days before we knew if it had failed or if we would be PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise). Just like the previous 13 months, I had labeled each day on my calendar with the number corresponding to the day of my cycle. On Tuesday morning I was at day 24 of my cycle. I was experiencing quite a bit of lower back pain when I woke up, but I dismissed it. I thought I had probably slept wrong. I continued getting ready for work. I noticed some spotting when I went to the bathroom. My heart immediately broke. Does this mean the IUI failed? Is this implantation bleeding? No. It is too late for implantation bleeding. As the day progressed, my back pain got worse. On my lunch break I climbed in the back of my SUV and tried to take a nap. I could not get comfortable and the pain was getting worse. I just laid there and prayed the longest prayer I've ever prayed. I asked God to take away the pain. I prayed He would give me peace and strength go face the next couple of days as I waited for my period and prepared for whatever the next step was. I thanked Him for loving me....and so on. When I returned to work, it was hard for me to sit still in my chair. The pain was becoming unbearable. I just wanted to lay in the floor in the fetal position and cry. I called my doctor's office and spoke with the nurse. She offered to get me in that day and asked me if I had taken a pregnancy test yet. I told her I had not. I told her I would take a test the next morning. I decided I would take the test the next morning and call her if the pain was worse. She advised me to go to the ER if the pain got worse before the morning. After pushing through the pain for a few more hours, I began to get light-headed and nauseous. Something was wrong. I was scared. My first thought was an ectopic pregnancy. My second thought was my ovarian cysts were back. I called my husband to tell him something was wrong. He left work to come get me and take me to the ER.

When my husband picked me up, I thought we were going to Murfreesboro where my doctor was; however, he said he would take me to the local ER. I had a bad feeling about going to the local ER, but at that point I was in enough pain to not even care. I knew something was wrong and I was terrified. I just wanted someone to "fix" it. The next 2 hours were a nightmare. I explained to the triage nurse that my husband and I had done an IUI in Murfreesboro 11 days prior. I told him about the fertility drugs I had taken this round. He then walked us down the hall to the restroom. I had to pee in a cup so they could test me for kidney stones, an UTI, and pregnancy. I've done this song and dance enough to know that mid-day urine on day 11 after an IUI would not detect pregnancy. I knew I was not in the right place. After laying in a hospital bed curled up in a ball for almost an hour, a doctor finally came in the room and my fight began. The doctor asked me what I had done to my back. He asked a series of questions about if I had lifted anything heavy, etc. I responded with, "It is internal. I don't believe I have done anything to my back muscles." He then said, "Well you aren't pregnant. Your urine was clear for kidney stones and a UTI. If you are bleeding a little, you are probably going to start your period soon." Those words stung. "You are not pregnant." I've been told, "the pregnancy test was negative" before, but never has someone so insensitively told me, "you are not pregnant". I told him, "You don't know that! It is too soon for a positive urine test! You don't know if I am going to start my period!" He told me he couldn't do an x-ray since we weren't sure if I was pregnant or not. He couldn't do an ultrasound because "it wouldn't show anything". He couldn't give me pain meds because it would be bad for the baby if I was pregnant. So what DID he do? He advised me to be on bedrest the remainder of the week and follow up with my doctor. I felt like I had argued enough with him. Clearly he was like other local doctors who are insensitive and unsympathetic to the fertility-challenged. He probably didn't even know what an IUI was.  I was done with him.  I was done with that hospital. I was done with the doctors in that town. Done. Done. Done. My crushed heart and awful back pain left the hospital that night.

I slept awful that night. I woke up early the next morning so I could take my 10 year old to school. When I returned home, I counted down the minutes until Dr. W's office in Murfreesboro opened so I could fill the nurse and Dr. W in on the hell I had experienced the night before. Shortly after leaving a message with the receptionist, the nurse called me back. I explained to her what the ER doctor had said to me. I told her they didn't even do an ultrasound! She scheduled an ultrasound for me and a followup with the nurse practitioner immediately. She said, "I'm so sorry you had to go through that. We will get you in here and get you taken care of."

I went to that appointment alone. My husband had some stuff going on at work and I didn't want him to miss anymore this week because of me. I went to the radiology department first. The radiologist was so bubbly and kind as she escorted me to the room where she would do my ultrasound. She asked a few questions about why I was in, asked me to empty my bladder, and undress from the waist down. I told her I had some issues with cysts in the past few months and Dr. W was probably trying to rule out that as the source of my pain. AS SOON AS she placed the transvaginal ultrasound wand thingie (for lack of a better description) inside me, her mood changed. She was no longer bubbly. She pushed and poked around for a few minutes, then said, "I'm going to show you your ovaries."  She moved the wand around to the left side. She showed me a large black blob on the screen as she clicked and typed away. She then pushed the wand to my right side. My heart sunk. She said, "This is your right ovary." The screen showed 2 black blobs. I responded with, "Wow. My left one is a lot bigger." My heart was breaking. I knew she couldn't tell me anything else. I just laid there on the table as she did her job. I had tears running down my face. My cysts were back. I just knew it. She finished the ultrasound. I got off of the table, dressed, dried my tears, and headed upstairs to OB to see the nurse practitioner for my results.

The wait in the waiting room was the longest 30 minutes of my life. The room was filled with women with pregnant bellies. I sat in the furthest corner away from everyone as I gathered my thoughts. I had spent the past month praying for our IUI and for God to give us a healthy child. It had never even thought to pray for my cysts to not come back. As I was beating myself up over not praying for the right things, a young girl approached the front desk. I tried not to listen to her conversation; however, she caught my attention when she said she was having some cramping. She told one of the receptionists that she had been taking birth control, but stopped and "boom" got pregnant. Hello knife in my heart. I lost it. I cried so hard I could barely catch my breath. I went into the restroom, gathered myself, and dried my tears. It was time to get over it. I hadn't seen the NP yet. I didn't know if I would get good or bad news. I needed to stop beating myself up over it.

My name was finally called, and I was escorted to a room to wait for the NP. When she entered the room, I knew she did not have good news to share with me. She said, "You are in a lot of pain, aren't you? You have a pretty large cyst on your left ovary." She said I have a 5.5cm cyst on my left ovary and 2 smaller 2.5 and 2.3cm cysts on my right ovary. No wonder my belly looked like I was 3 months pregnant with twins. No wonder I was in such awful pain. She also informed me that I have a uterine fibroid. It is small, so they aren't too concerned with it. She ordered we repeat the ultrasound in 4 weeks and put all fertility treatment on hold. . . again. My heart was shattered. Not only had we spent over $1k on an IUI that failed, now I have these huge cysts on my ovaries. The NP advised me that the size of my left cyst could cause my ovary to twist, which would cause me severe, excruciating pain and I would need to get to the ER very quickly. Great. She walked me to check out so I could schedule my followup and sent me on to the lab so they could do a blood pregnancy test. Up to that point, I had only taken Tylenol because I didn't want to harm our baby if it was trying to find a cozy spot in my womb. If the pregnancy test was negative, I could actually take pain meds that would give me some relief.

I threw a fit in the parking lot that day. Up to that point, I had never been upset with God or asked, "Why are you doing this to me??" That day I did. I cried. I screamed. I hit my steering wheel. I begged God to just take away my desire to have a child because I was done. The physical and emotional pain were just too much. My heart was in pieces. I was upset. I was angry. I was disappointed. I felt like I was being punished. I dried my tears, asked God to forgive me for being so selfish, and started my car.

Where do we go from here? Well if you are reading this, I ask you to please remember us on November 25th as we return to the doctor for my follow up. If my cysts are not gone, I will face surgery. If they are gone, we will be back on track to Nashville Fertility in the spring.

Never in a million years would I have imagined we would have to fight SO hard to bring a child into this world. Never. We are blessed to have a doctor who had to fight equally as hard to bring his own children into this world though. He and his staff are so careful with their words. On Friday, Dr. W. called to check on me. He told me not to give up because he isn't giving up on me. He reassured me that Nashville Fertility would take great care of me. He told me if my cysts are not gone at the end of the month, he will remove them and NOT take my ovaries. That was a concern of mine since the cysts were so large this time.  He said he would also check my blocked tube and see if there is anything he can do to "clean that up". Can you say answered prayers? God is good. Even in this dark, miserable time, God is still showing me that it isn't time to pursue another path yet. God has placed Dr. W in our lives to give us the pep talks I need when I feel like I've hit the wall and can't push forward anymore.

If you are reading this and you feel like you've hit a wall in your journey to bring a child into this world, please find comfort in knowing you are not alone. Please don't ever let anyone tell you that you aren't allowed to own your feelings. If you feel like crying, cry. If you want to scream, please do so. Scream a little extra for me while you are at it.  Don't ever let someone's "my neighbor's cousin's wife" story get you discouraged. Every journey is different. Everyone handles grieving differently. Yes. I said grieving. Every month you probably grieve over the child that you had prayed would be in your womb that month, but instead you are greeted by Aunt Flo. It is ok. Just don't allow it to consume you. Keep pushing forward. You are not broken. Keep going.

Until next time... I will be praying for this blog to reach the hearts it needs to reach. Yes. You. I pray this blog touches your heart and gives YOU hope on your darkest, loneliest days. We are all in this together. You are NOT ever alone.

Finding Hope

I've thought about this blog so many times over the past several weeks. A part of me wanted to share the latest news and setbacks, but a part of me just wished to keep it silent.

I've come to the point in our journey where I no longer use the term "infertile". I prefer to use the term "fertility challenged". According to all of the medical professionals and research, after one year of actively trying to conceive without success, the journey to become parents is then referred to as infertility. It is such a yucky word. Fortunately for me, God pointed us in the direction of a doctor who not only is a Fertility Specialist, but he also traveled down the same path as Trey and I. Not once in the seven months that we were under his care did he use the term "infertility". I used the term like crazy until I realized I was allowing the term to define ME and not the situation (...errr journey?) I have been faced with. In an effort to find the root of my frustrations, I turned to a blog my friend Kenzie had directed me to a few months ago. I had read a few of the posts, but had not really dug into the meat of the blog. One day, in pure desperation for God's hand to take away my emotional and physical pain, I turned to the blog again.

This is what I have realized in the last few months while reading this blog and studying... 

People say stupid stuff. They don't say stupid stuff on purpose. They just open their mouths in an effort to "fix" things and stupid stuff comes out. Over the past year I have learned to brush off such comments and keep pressing on. I would be lying if I told you I haven't had my feelings hurt by the stupid stuff some people have said though.  I have cried a few times after reading so-called helpful remedies for infertility that people have directed me towards. Example: "You should eat God's way and pray for God to forgive you for the things you have done to and with your body." This one was a hard one to just brush off. I feel like I have a pretty good grasp on my nutrition and exercise, so this was quite the jab in the stomach. After reading what exactly it means to "eat God's way", I quickly decided I don't have the time nor the resources to raise my own animals, fruits, and veggies. I then considered the source and felt much better about my decision to continue doing what I am doing.  I've seen plenty of pregnant people shopping at Kroger or Food Lion. I'm sure God will understand if I don't choose to boycott grocery shopping at the local Food Lion. In addition to that, how many times do you see pregnant people at Burger King and McDonalds?  You see my point. 

I am not a patient person. I have prayed and prayed and even prayed some more for God to give me patience. I almost feel like each month is a constant countdown. I hate feeling that way! It is so hard to be calm and patient when I have to count my days! On day 1 of my cycle I countdown until day 3 when I start my Clomid or Femara --whichever is prescribed for the month. On day 8 I start using my predictor kits and wait for that "yes +". IF I get a "yes+", then the 2 week wait countdown begins. It is exhausting. I've said all of that to say this. It has been a challenge for me to be patient and calm during the aggressive treatment months since every twinge, pain, day of spotting, predictor kit result, and so on has to be recorded. I know God has to get so frustrated with me sometimes because I will pray for patience, but then I don't pause long enough to accept it. 

Letting go of control is hard. In the past few months I have prayed for God to give me patience, understanding, and hope. I know in order for us to receive the blessings God has in store for us, we have to stop trying to take control of the situation and GIVE IT TO GOD. So many times I have said, "I'm letting go and giving it to God." It sounds really awesome, but in reality I'm not fully giving it all to God. I'm still holding on to bits and pieces of my worry and stress. I'm sure God is thinking, "Kari Elizabeth, I've got this! Trust me!" When I look at it that way, I feel so selfish! God has been so patient with me each time I have made a mistake or gone astray, yet I won't trust Him to take full control. Ouch. I have tears pooling in my eyes as I say those words over and over.... "I won't trust Him." Look at everything He has done and everything He is capable of doing! If I just let go and give him full control, I will feel so much more at peace.

I love my husband more than I ever imagined I would ever love anyone. A friend of mine has said, if you can survive infertility, you can survive anything. It is a true test of your relationship. As cheesy as it sounds, he is my best friend. When I'm having a fall apart, he is the first and only person I want to talk to most of the time. He doesn't have to say a word. He just holds me as I cry. Occasionally he will say, "We will have a baby one day. It just isn't time yet." God knew I needed to have someone who would be strong on my weak days. After one of my procedures, he prayed the most precious prayer over me as I laid on the table. I'm certain I fell even more in love with him that day. As we wait for our perfect little blessing, we are enjoying our random date nights, early morning hunting trips, and vacations. I cannot imagine what my life would be without Trey. He is already a wonderful step-dad and puppy parent. I know he will be a wonderful, Godly father for our children one day.

So what is this amazing blog that has opened my eyes? The link is below. Check it out and read about Caroline and Colby's journey.
http://in-due-time.com/

Caroline also refers to the book Pregnant with Hope in one of her posts. Trey and I have both been reading this book and it has really opened my eyes and my heart to all of God's blessings during this journey.
http://www.amazon.com/Pregnant-Hope-Good-Infertile-Couples/dp/144213738X

Roadblocks, Detours, and Acronyms

"There is a difference between giving up, and knowing when you have had enough." 

As September fast approaches, I am reminded of what I was doing a year ago. A year ago I was planting the thought of a Baby Bell into my husband's mind. I had baby fever, and it was NOT going away. We got a puppy thinking it would cure my baby fever. Wrong. I would see babies in public, babies on Facebook, babies at church. Babies were everywhere and I was ready to make the next step in our marriage. I was ready for our family to grow 2 extra feet. I was ready for a baby. 

One year later... we are still waiting. We are still ready one year later. One long, trying year later I sit here trying to convince myself that it will ok if we do not have a biological child of our own. One year later I log in to Facebook to see pictures of 3 month olds who were just a mere blob on an ultrasound a year ago.  I am facing the reality that I may never feel a baby kick inside me ever again without going to the extremes that I promised myself I would never go to. 

Over the past several months, a few people have commented on how open we have been about our journey. Honestly, if it wasn't for other women sharing their journeys via blogs, books, notes on Facebook, etc... I would have gone crazy long ago. I am not alone. I never want a woman to hear the word "infertility" and think she is alone. I never want a woman to feel like it isn't normal or ok for her to kick and scream as she reads about  the procedures and cost associated with intrauterine insemination or in vitro fertilization. It isn't a journey filled with rainbows, sunshine, and warm, fuzzy feelings. It is a journey filled with pokes, praying, shots, tests, more tests, more praying, transvaginal ultrasounds, HSG tests,  predictor kits, thermometers, tears, screaming, praying, praying, praying and screaming some more. 

The day Nashville Fertility and IVF were laid out as options, I lost it. IVF is expensive. IVF is time consuming. It would require a lot of missed work days. It would involve me handing over $10,000 and hoping I wouldn't be buying tampons in the next 9 months. I'm not a risky person. I don't like to gamble. I don't like to take risks. Ask my husband. I don't just toss $10k around like it is nothing. I save and save and save just in case. I like black and white. I have to see what the end result will be. I like to have everything laid out and planned in front of me. You get the point. IVF involves me taking a risk and praying I'm making the right decision. 

I've often caught myself making bargains or deals with God. I've promised I will do better this time around if He would just give me one more chance. I have said I will be a better mom and not let work get in the way this time around. I have hit my knees in my bathroom floor while holding so many "not pregnant" pregnancy tests while I prayed for patience and strength to get me through the day. I have hidden in the bathroom stalls at work just so I wouldn't have to see a newborn baby or a pregnant woman. I have laid in bed on a heating pad while giant tears streamed down my face as I read my Bible. I have called my mom while she was at work and begged her to come hold me. I have sat in the parking lot at work and thrown my phone across the car after getting bad test results. I. Have. Hit. Bottom. 

On the flip side of all of that... I have attended a handful of baby showers. I have shopped in the baby section. I have celebrated friends' pregnancy announcements and offered a helping hand to friends who were expecting. I have rejoiced at first words, first steps, and first birthday parties. I have listened to Gavin pray sweet, precious prayers over me. I have become closer to God. I have become closer to 5 little 4 year olds at church. I have become a better wife. I have become a better friend. I have learned patience. I have learned to turn things over to God versus trying to carry the weight of the world on my own. 

According to several medical professionals, it is a pure miracle I ever got pregnant with Gavin. God has a HUGE plan for Gavin. He is almost 10, but sometimes acts 30. I'm blessed to have the chance to spend 3 days a week this precious gift. 

I've often asked the question, "Why me?" I know this is not my will. This is God's will. Maybe one day this will all be worth the wait... Or maybe one day God will take my longing for a Trey Bell baby away. Either way, God chose us for this journey and we will glorify Him through the way we handle it. I'm not giving up...